Richard, I am done, the door has closed, you are out of my life forever. You are not my dad. Donít call me son, donít ask how Iím doing, donít try and make small talk. You are done. I have given you plenty of warning and tried to explain how your comments hurt me. Iíve told you how I felt when you say, ďGrant, she didnít do it,ď ďmaybe youíre over reacting,Ē or holding onto the hope that your wife is not a child molester with every breath you take. Then you tell me you care? You tell me you just want me to be happy? And love me? You are full of shit. You donít care or love me at all. You donít even know what any of that is. You are simply a man who is extremely dense and thick in denial.
You failed me your whole life. You are supposed to take this burden off of me, to help me through this fucking hell I am going through. Nope, not only have you left me alone, but you continue to dump your own fears and burdens onto me with your asinine comments about how it didnít happen. But then you do what? In the same breath you tell me you love me and you care, and that you are not doing what you are doing? How is that possible, you are not this sadistic. Nope, you are simply gone, done, poof, dust in the wind. I will no longer father you. I will no longer play this dysfunctional role reversal and care for your feelings. Doing so as left me utterly alone in my life, during my most difficult period.
I can no longer shoulder the burden of both of us. I will break. I simply canít take this anymore. Something has to change and I am choosing myself. I can no longer care for you. It just canít happen anymore. And you leave me with this great parting gift of guilt and loneliness. Itís like, what the fuck am I supposed to do. I just feel so fucking overwhelmed with this shit. Raped by my own mother, raised to father my own father, unable to connect and left completely isolated from everyone, and suffering extreme guilt for choosing me for once. Fuck this. As scary as this unknown void called reality is, I just cant live this way anymore. And I donít even know what to do. I donít know. I don't know. I just don't know.
There is always hope