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#342384 - 10/18/10 10:42 AM moving
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I moved 6 times in the last 3 years of my HS years. It was a very tough time for me.

4 of those moves happened after my mom married her 2nd husband. Her 2nd husband (shes had 4) was a bona fide psycho - paranoid schizo. He was a client of my moms.

****triggers****

Although I was not fully penetrated as a little boy - Lonnie (2nd husband - hope it is ok to say first names) made sure I was penetrated. It hurt like hell. The first time he "visited" while my mom was working late at the bar - she had two jobs - all he did was crawl into bed. BUT the next 4 x before he went to the state hospital - my mom took him there - he violently abused me. I was stunned, shocked, scared out of my mind. He told me I liked it. He told me to take it like a man.

How could I tell my mom - he was using me for what I thought he was doing to her. How could I tell my dad I let him this man in my bed?

Did I like it? Why did I not tell? This happened 30 yrs ago.

I would move 4 times to between mom and dads houses out of sheer pain and guilt. My own pain and guilt.

Some wonderful men helped me in chat this morning through the fear.

A

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#342411 - 10/18/10 04:18 PM Re: moving [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
In my fear and belief of what he told me about me - I want to throw it all away. I guess I have always lived in fear. He was very sadistic.

Would you help me with the messages:

1. I am an infected soul like him. I have only been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression - no signs of paranoia like him or schizo. NO judgements on others btw. Why would he say this to me?

2. I was better than nothing as he wanted my sister instead who did NOT live with us - she hated him and stayed as far away from him as possible.

3. I was doomed to be his toy or playmate.

4. I am scum like him and due to be locked up.

A

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#342428 - 10/18/10 07:40 PM Re: moving [Re: Avery46]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Dear Avery,


1. You have a beautiful soul

2. He is an abuser nothing he says is true.

3. You were not doomed, he chose to abuse you.

4. He is scum and should be locked up forever.

5. You are not crazy

6. You are sane

7. You deserve to be happy

8. And you deserve to be loved.


If you hold up a mirror to these messages, you can see the reflection of those messages bounce off away from you and on to the man who hurt you. The messages say far more about him and what a twisted bastard he is than they do about you.

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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#342446 - 10/18/10 09:56 PM Re: moving [Re: blaidd]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Blaidd,

Thanks. You have no idea how your words touched me.

I am crying!!!!

A

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#342546 - 10/20/10 11:38 AM Re: moving [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Oh my....

*****triggers**

He raped me because he loved her and did NOT want to hurt her...

Is this true?

So confused this morning.

A

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#342570 - 10/20/10 06:42 PM Re: moving [Re: Avery46]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Just a thought... Maybe that was one of those twisted messages he gave you in order to justify what he was doing to you and make you compliant. Abusers have a way of messing with our heads, I know mine did.

Try to be gentle and kind with yourself, I understand it must be tough going through this right now.

blaidd.

_________________________
Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

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