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#341567 - 10/06/10 11:19 PM Support for my Husband
shiloh Offline

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 1
My husband recently told me that he was abused by a male babysitter at 4 or 5 and again by female cousins at 9 or 10.

We are gong through a difficult time right now, he recently had an affair after a long depression and we are working things out. After he told me about the affair, he told me about this abuse. Not as an excuse for his actions, but it has been coming up for him. The abuse also led to seeking sexual attention and other sexual issues in his teenage years which has caused him a lot of guilt and humiliation which brought him close to suicide right before the affair. He is currently in therapy and doing EMDR for general issues (because he doesn't feel much about the abuse currently).

I want to be there for him. Im don't know anything about male sexual abuse and Im not sure where to start. So far he says that he doesn't feel anything about it, mostly just guilty for his own sexual acting out. He suffers from depression, ADD and has just been feeling terribly stuck. I also was abused as a kid and have been working through that for many years, so I understand the shame and confusion.

I would appreciate any help, advice, links and book suggestions.

Thank you smile

#341570 - 10/07/10 12:47 AM Re: Support for my Husband [Re: shiloh]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Hi Shiloh:
Welcome to MS. Many of the survivors here have gone through similar experiences as your husband. You will find this place to be filled with caring and understanding people, both survivors and those who care about them.

Since he is doing EMDR in therapy, he should tell the therapist about the abuse. That may be the trauma that can be reduced through this technique. There are a lot of threads here that are not currently on the boards of particular topics so do a search. If, for example, you wanted to know more of others' experiences with EMDR, do that topic on search and you will see several years worth of shared experiences. Ditto for any other topic you can think of. There is a lot of wisdom and experience here.

As for books, check out the MS bookstore. There are many books for survivors and partners that will be helpful for you and him.

Welcome to MS.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#341594 - 10/07/10 11:30 AM Re: Support for my Husband [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Marley Offline

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54
Shiloh, I don't know how much help I can be but if you want to talk about it with me I am happy to do so. I have used EMDR for a while and like your husband I don't feel much about my own abuse related issues either. Just a general feeling of badness and not much else right now.

I've also been diagnosed with depression, ADD and OCD among other things. The EMDR has helped in many different ways for me but I think it's probably different for everyone.

I am sorry to hear you were also abused as a child.


#341753 - 10/08/10 11:04 PM Re: Support for my Husband [Re: Marley]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
I was sexually abused as a child, including a kidnapping. I have been going through trauma therapy. It is amazing the amount of damage done. I have corrected a number of things both big and small. I was diagnosed adhd. When I 1st saw a trauma specialist, her first comment was... yeah, all my clients have that diag when they start. I am now weening off straterra and improving my concentration while I am doing it. A lot of circuits in your brain are fried. Many trauma therapies are designed to build new circuits and disconnect some of the dysfunctional ones. It is important he tell his t about it. Even the "gentle fondling" was traumatic and I was shocked at how much so it was when we focused on it.

God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.


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