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#341388 - 10/04/10 07:05 AM Just told wife ... Bad reaction
Theringwrath Offline

Registered: 10/04/10
Posts: 1
I just told my wife of three years that I was abused by to clergy men. One of whom for three years. I teared up a little. Her response was to tell me there is nothing to cry about then silence. Then turned over and went to sleep. Not sure how to proceed now. Any advice?


#341397 - 10/04/10 12:23 PM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: Theringwrath]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
:-( Did she say that in the "it wasn't your fault" tone or the "get over it" tone?

#341416 - 10/04/10 07:29 PM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: hopeandtry]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
Wow...doesn't sound good to me. How is you're relationship outside of this topic?

God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#341422 - 10/04/10 08:42 PM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: catfish86]
GeorgeMartin Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 206
Loc: USA
Well, considering the topic, etc. I would think it was quite understandable her reaction to your disclosure J. Simply put, you told her when she was about to sleep next to you in bed. She was probably wondering, ok I am sleeping next to a man I thought I knew, who I have love for, and perhaps she is thinking too, how can he have kept this "secret" from me all this time? Next, thought, what else is he keeping from me? That would shock a person mentally? Maybe she wanted to sleep on what you said to her in your disclosure before responding to such from you?

So, it would seem to me, looking at it from this angle, that she simply needs time to process this information that has been laid unexpectedly on the table of your mutual relationship with each other as a married couple.

I know when I finally disclosed my csa to my 2nd Adoptive mother, she freaked because I came out with "Jim sexually abused me as a child". She thought immediately that I was talking about her own husband, which I was not. I was speaking of my 1st adoptive father, who abused me that way. But you see, timing, environment, approach etc play a big part in how another human being will be receptive to another's disclosure, imparting of information whether it be about child sexual abuse, abuse of any kind for that matter, politics, sex, and or religious spiritual topics.

I hope that you and she will be alright in light of this new disclosure you are conveying to her (which is a good thing). Make sure it strengthens your relationship, not break it. Also don't forget to bring her into the process of healing and understanding with you. Don't go the road alone in this.

#341429 - 10/05/10 12:43 AM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: GeorgeMartin]
SunnyGirl Offline

Registered: 07/14/10
Posts: 79
I can understand your disappointment in her reaction. What happened to you IS something to cry about -- you were violated in a manner no one should endure. I think it's a good thing that you are able to express your emotions and tried to reach out to your wife to talk to her about it. Don't let this setback shame you into silence.

You might consider raising the subject again when she is not tired and can give her full attention to the discussion. You might want to avoid putting her on the offensive so I would avoid blaming her for not reacting the way you had hoped. Instead, focus on how YOU feel. Let her know that this is a difficult subject for you to talk about, but that it's important to you and to your relationship with her that you discuss it and how it has affected you. You might even ask her if she'd be willing to look at the MS website so she can understand more about sexual abuse and its impacts.

That's just my two cents. Good luck.


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller

"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto

#341441 - 10/05/10 04:27 AM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: SunnyGirl]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

I had a similar conversation with my wife under very similar circumstances, with similar results some years ago. It turned out okay in the end but it took us a while. I tell you that so that you understand that there is hope. Bottom line is that relationships take a lot of work to maintain even under good circumstances. This may add to the load, sure, but keep working at it. Have you considered counseling, individual and couples counseling? If not already going, it might be good to consider it.



"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#341461 - 10/05/10 01:42 PM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: WalkingSouth]
Dogs&Gods Offline

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
Do not drop the subject. Tell her that you know it is difficult for her to talk about but you want a day a time planned so that she can understand what you are going thru.
Believe me women's first thought is OMG I married a gay man. Be prepared for this stay calm.
Your job is to build her up to be a support in your recovery.

Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

#341472 - 10/05/10 03:27 PM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: Dogs&Gods]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
There could be other issues than her thinking you are going to tell her you are gay. She could be so uncomfortable that she just doesn't know what to say (I am like this myself when, say, a person loses a loved one or something). Also, she could be very angry at the abuser. I dealt with this myself and still deal with it. She may be so angry she doesn't want to say anything. Additionally, she may not want to push you to talk. I rarely say anything to my ex about his abuse because I'm scared to death to say the wrong thing. I usually just let him talk about it as it comes to him. Just some things to think about...she may just not know how to react at all.

#346195 - 11/25/10 02:27 AM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: hopeandtry]
jea36 Offline

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 6
This resonates with me. I am a bisexual man. I do not think this has anything to do with abuse. I want to tell my wife about my inappropriate feelings and actions with my mother as it will help answer some questions for her. Also I don't normally keep anything from her. I think it will just make me feel better. But I am terrified of her reaction.

At times she has been very worried that I am actually not attracted to her because I have some touching and intimacy issues. Also, most of my past sexual partners were men. She has even told me before that she thinks I am just gay.

I want to share myself and my past with her but would be heartbroken if I got a poor reaction.

#346276 - 11/26/10 06:48 AM Re: Just told wife ... Bad reaction [Re: jea36]
sLiPpeth Offline

Registered: 11/26/10
Posts: 4
It's difficult to know what another person is thinking in any given moment. Even could be that the subject's "too close" to the other person's own life experience.

i.e. A friend told me about his step-sister making a move on him at a young age.

I feel like a freakn' jerk for the way I responded. Treated it lightly but acknowleged he was heard and the subject dropped pretty quickly, being it reminded me of an experience with a female babysitter when I was eleven.

So yeah, definate empathy for the reaction/response. However, definately think you should explore further with the partner for well..

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