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#340863 - 09/26/10 04:26 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him? [Re: many_mees]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hi, Mike.

For me the answer is simply NO. I say NO because the question has two topics within just one question and alone makes the answer a NO.

I am gay. I knew I was gay when I was a teen when I got aroused by being with other males. I "felt" so much peace by being with them. In itself - not considering the abuse - being gay is being gay. We are males who are sexually and affectionately attracted to males.

I was once "obsessed" with having lots of sex with males because I thought "love" existed in sex. This made the issue of being gay once I "remembered" the abuse very difficult. As I am more centered and the affects of the sexual abuse are decreasing I am STILL attracted to men - I am gay.

I hope you are finding more peace within yourself.


aka DJsport

#340890 - 09/27/10 12:43 AM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him? [Re: Avery46]
blaidd Offline

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Guys this is an old post from 2001, so just pointing that out, even though the question is a common one that survivors ask themselves.

The simple answer to Mike's question is that there is no simple answer. No one has the answer I believe. At this point, science has no idea what makes a person gay, whether it be genetics, a mother's hormones or environment etc.

The majority of gay men are well adjusted and healthy people who have not been sexually abused. So I don't believe there is a direct correlation between child sexual abuse and being gay, even though as survivors we might think there appears to be a link. Obviously some straight survivors struggle with same sex attraction, but that is a different issue.

I'm happy being gay. However, it took me a while to reach that point, because I grew up in a world where being gay was bad. Like a lot of gay men it took a long time to escape that brain washing. I was also terrified of men because of the abuse, so that was a cruel irony in itself because even though I knew I was gay as a teen, I didn't let a man touch me until I was 27.

I finally accepted I was gay when I realised that being gay was not the problem. The problem was the impact of the abuse when I was a child. I know I'm gay because I am physically attracted to men, but most importantly I feel it in my heart on a deep emotional level.

It can be a confusing issue coming to terms with your sexuality, just be true to yourself and in time things will become clearer.

In the end it doesn't matter who you love as long as there is love. smile

Blaidd (pronounced as blaith/blithe) is a welsh word meaning wolf.

#340938 - 09/27/10 05:07 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him? [Re: blaidd]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

This is an old original post. Thanks for pointing that out.

I liked this thread as it spoke to me. I have been out for 20 years after being married for a short time and when the memories surfaced 3 years ago, I became engulfed in shame due to the confusion of the abuse and being gay.

I am pretty ok with myself 3 years later.


aka DJsport

#340957 - 09/27/10 08:40 PM Re: Am I gay because my step father made me have sex with him? [Re: blaidd]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
when you mentioned that some straight survivors struggle with same sex attraction, I would also say that a number of them over-engage in straight sex in reaction to the abuse they experienced as children. On this note, some survivors have an interest in fetishes that don't involve an attraction to either gender so what does this say? In light of this I don't believe that examples of unhealthy behaviour has anything to do with orientation per se. Rather, I would attribute it to compulsive behaviour, much the same as gambling, alcohol, drug and food addiction affects many surviors in the same way. JS

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

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