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#340681 - 09/23/10 01:45 PM Disturbing reaction to minimal provocation
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Since I recalled I was was pretty on edge. In fact I was before it. I got angry easily and had many reaction issues. Over the last year I have slowly stablized and I don't react badly anymore. Until yesterday. I have a dr app this morning two hours away. I have this app because of the local bullshit that denies me a dr here. This will be my first regular dr in three or more years and I have to do this to get a Psych appointment referal or I won't get in. SO its rather important to me. So I reserve a rental car on tue. with pick up for this morning.
Last night I get a call at 4pm telling me they can't pick me up until 9am an hour and 15 minutes beyond what I had been given. He had no sympathy at all. And when I noticed he had waited to end of business and started to go at him and called him MFer he cancelled me as if it were him punishing me.
The thing that disturbs me is how angry I got and what I did. I tried to type in a search for a rental car after calling nearly all of the agencies in my phone book only to find the whole town had had a run on rentals and no one had any cars.
I couldn't get my fingers to hit the correct keys and I was wound up hurrying and i kept getting weird searches. I couldn't even cancel the dam appointment at that time of day!

I got so pissed that I punched my keyboard several times which broke my computer.
I have felt sick and not myself ever since. I have lost my sense of self assurance and security which had come to me over the last year. I feel ashamed and like I never made any progress at all. Like it was all a sham somehow.

I couldn't think of what might have triggered me opr thrown me off baslance. Then it came to me in bed last night. I am going to have a meeting to get a legal opinion on my chances for getting my records soon. It will mean dealing with all the two faced language and technicalties bureaucrats love to pretend are meaningful when the contradictory truth is self evident.

Thats all I got I can't imagine what else it might be except the resentment of having to drive two hours to see a doctor I should be able to see here and to get a referal to another doctor because the ones in that field here are untrustworthy as personal experience has proved.

6 of one half a dozen of the other. The thing that is bugging me is how I lost it and broke my computer which I spent a lot of money on to repair from a similar break for the same punching it reason two years ago. I was so proud of myself for having overcome that trait. I had no idea how, so I had assumed it was the removal of deliberately negative stimuli which did it. Now I'm so ashamed of myself.

I found a car and am going to make it but I'm even upset by this as I don't like renting from these guys who are renting out their used cars for sale and they put more responsibility on the rentor than a normal agency. The car is uncomfortable and does not have cruise control which is a pain in the butt on a long drive as well.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#340682 - 09/23/10 01:58 PM Re: Disturbing reaction to minimal provocation [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I just had another thing come to me. The feeling of powerlessness that I felt or was triggered when the car rental guy presented me with that unchanging situation was like how powerless I felt as a child in that Shelter when I would be tormented by the other kids organized in a group. One would accuse me then all would agree and no one was fair. There was nothign I could do about it. then the adults who orchestrated it would step in and punish me for this thing they knew I didn't do.
Eventually the kids would do it on their own with the same results.
It was meant to do exactly what it did. It was intentional.

Maybe thats the source of this anger and frustrated impatience?

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.


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