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#340591 - 09/22/10 03:10 AM I was numb ***Triggers***
Nospim Offline

Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 4
I have other things to do, being a full time student at Uni I have deadlines to meet, this afternoon, something else has taken precident. I have never put this to print or even had a full understanding of what took place. This afternoon I had to wirte and feel that this is the right thing for me to do at the moment, knowing that this support group exists, I have, with tears, written the following, some of which is new to my mind, but all of which is so, so, clear to my understanding.

This is a healing catharsis for me.

Thankyou, brothers in suffering, for this web site.

Jimmy was wonderful. I loved being with Jimmy. He was fun. It was exciting being with Jimmy. I had spent countless hours being with him and I idolized him. He was at least twice my age. I was 8 years old. I loved Jimmy. He was the only person that loved me. My parents, well, they did not love me, but we never talked about that, it was an unspoken agreement that we had. In fact, they did not like me at all. Anything that I did or anything that I said was met with harsh, cruel criticism and rebuke, laughing at me or simply ignoring me.

Jimmy on the other hand was completely different. He enjoyed my company and I enjoyed his. I idolized Jimmy, he was my hero and he was everything to me. I spent countless hours with him, going with him to his work on the farm, not even my dad would take me to work or spend any time with me. My grandmother loved me but she would infrequently visit and then she died. There was no one else but Jimmy.

One day, after dinner, it was a bright and sunny evening, Jimmy was especially happy. We were in his bedroom sitting on his bed and he was newly excited. It was always fun being with Jimmy and today promised something new. We had known each other for what I thought was an eternity to my young perception, and I trusted him implicitly, even more than my mother, in fact she had told me that I should have a friend, and Jimmy was my first friend ever. Whatever was going to happen this afternoon would be more of what I expected from my wonderful, perfect and magical friend, Jimmy.

Eventually, he exposed his erect penis to me and had me put my mouth on it and move my mouth up and down over it. He instructed me to keep my teeth from rubbing on it. He held my head and rubbed my ears while speaking in a low and strange voice to me. My mind was confused, but he was very happy. His breathing was very deep and fast and he keep telling me that what was happening was very good, so I kept on doing what he asked. I donít know what happened but suddenly I gagged and choked. I was suffocating and I panicked and then I vomited all over him and on the floor and soiled my pants. I didnít know what was happening to me because of my panic and at the same time was so embarrassed and felt so much shame. I just wanted to disappear and become nothing. Jimmy however, true to form, was very compassionate and caring toward me. No one else had ever been so kind to me. He put his hand on my shoulder, his arm around me, and expressed concern for me. I had just vomited and he was kind enough to care about my feelings. He helped me clean myself up as he spoke kind words me. I felt grateful to him.

Jimmy eventually took me to the shower. I had never been in a shower before, only hearing about them from my parents because they were new and we only had a bath at our house. He told me to take off my clothes put me in the shower, I was naked, and the cleansing water flooded me from head to toe. Jimmy stood outside the shower and stripped until he was naked also and then got under the flooding,warm water with me. He washed me, rubbing me all over with soap, except for my backside, which I didnít let him go near because I had soiled myself and was feeling so shameful about it. It was strange but at the same time nice being there with him under the warm water, he had been so kind to me when I felt ashamed. Then he washed himself, and kept washing his penis and testicles. His penis changed, becoming like what it was in his bedroom. He kept cleaning it for a long time until, nothing happened and then he stopped washing and let the flooding water wash all the soap off his naked body for a long time. I was confused, I loved Jimmy but felt that what had just happened was not right, and I was cold because I was not under the running flood of hot water, I was numb.

Jimmy dried himself and then dried me down and we dressed. We were fresh and clean.

Then he took me home, across the paddocks in the warm sun. He told me that what we had just done was our secret to keep between ourselves and that I mustnít tell my parents. When we got home my parents were happy to see him and everything was just as it had always been except that I was numb.

Jimmy took me to the bush, he was happy as usual. There he took all his clothes off and become naked. He played games with me, boys games of hide and seek and he was so happy just as always except that he was naked. He asked me to take my clothes off but I keep my underpants on. He shat on a tree stump and then made me put my mouth on his penis. I did not gag this time. I was numb.

Jimmy never came back after the weekend, and my dadís friend showed me a newspaper and told me he was dead. He had been killed in a car accident. I was numb.

For the next 15 years I suffered severe asthma attacks most evenings. Sometimes I would panic, thinking I would suffocate to death. My parents took no notice.

Edited by Nospim (09/22/10 08:30 PM)

#340609 - 09/22/10 11:43 AM Re: I was numb [Re: Nospim]
brokenleg Offline

Registered: 01/05/10
Posts: 65
Thanks for sharing.
From my point of view, the world is so strange.
I am at a loss who I have to trust. Ppl ,who seemed kind and nice, had betrayed me in a way. I have great faith in " what goes around comes around"

#340612 - 09/22/10 11:56 AM Re: I was numb [Re: brokenleg]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey my fraternal brother-I am sad you were hurt and broken-but hopeful you see the truth and have found amsafe place here at MS.

Take time for healing-that is the stngest message we send ourselves . Even if it is a few hours a week-take time to take care of YOU. I hope you can find some face to face support too-other men who are safe encouraging and helpful are had to track down-I've found them in 12 step meetings, survivor mtgs and a world wide organization called the mankind project-find them and learn from healthy men who are also broken hurt and abused.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ÔŅĹIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#340659 - 09/23/10 01:07 AM Re: I was numb [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Nospim Offline

Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 4
Thanks BL and MB, yes I do take time for my healing, and have come a loooong way already.

This place is great and everyone who has the guts to be here deserves a medal! laugh

Funny thing, though, as soon as I posted this, I found myself changing my profile so that I would be more anonomous, ie, I am not from the US but took of my country which was originally entered.

Secrets!!!!! I still dont want people to know who I am and what happened!!! This is echos of my mother, she knew what happened, wouldnt face it, taught me denial and died before her time because of a cancerous guilt.

I refrain from making friends because I dont want them to get to know me and then find out what goes on inside my mind!

Having said all that, I am reasonably functional and dont suffer the same long depressions and inactivity that I used to. They are usually only one or two days now, and almost each time they hit me, I am able to identify the specific triggers and make some reconciliations in my mind and emotions. These are skills I have learnt by a very good counciler a number of years ago, and basically result in making friends with your own mind, thoughts, emotions and feelings, not awfullizing or denying them any longer but allowing them to be there, they are mine after all, and then nurturing the little child that was hurt. By doing this, the thoughts etc, don't go away, they are in my mind afterall, but, like the little child who misbehaves to get attention, they reduce in their intense domination and don't have the same overpowering way to derail me. I found it better not to try to deny or push them away, but welcome them and cherish my mind, coaching it to help me rather than fight against me. It takes time to do, and often we might feel that the thoughts will overwhelm and consume us, but our mind is powerful and should be our alli (spelling?? on our side).

It can be done!

I know I have a way to go yet, but I also rely on the tools I have learnt to use because I know they work.

I am still very private and quite isolated socially, my choice, but I do have one or two very good friends who I can open up to that are safe.

I know I am past the worst and coming to terms growing up in the parts of my life which for 30 years were frozen, hence I am now at University.

I believe when the student is ready the teacher will appear.

Enroling at Uni was an unexpected open door which I know is something I can achieve, and along the way am learning how to get on, how to grow up!! things normaly learnt during teenage years and early 20's.

Thanks again for your support, this place is great.

Edited by Nospim (09/23/10 01:44 AM)


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