I developed an eating disorder a year or two before the assault. It took me a long time to admit that but it did not start after the assault. I ate little - usually one meal a week - and could go two weeks or more without eating. I ran seven miles every day no matter what the weather or my health. I had fainting spells but hid all of this well.
After the assault I debeloped binge eating and then bulimia. I got hooked on laxatives and took things to throw up. But mostly used the laxatives. I spent almost a year with one therapist who got me off them. Except for lapses here and there I do not use them though the thoughts do creep in.
But it is the number. No matter what I weigh that number is on my forehead all the time. Every moment of every day I see it. If I gain a half pound I am depressed and pull back from others. I feel stressed and it is all I can think of. I struggle to distract myself but I see it as I talk to others and do my work. It is there as I try to relax at the house and on weekends. It absolutely drives me nuts at times. And it triggers a self loathing.
The second hospital I was in is world renowned for their ED tract. I was on the edges of it only since it is female oriented. I have found ones that work with males but they are in other states. But one day I would like to give it a try. I think that but not sure either.
I am just tired of this number running my days and a big chunk of my life.
Just had to get this out and look at it from this view.
Broad statements often miss their true mark.