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#340481 - 09/19/10 05:20 PM The Number
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I developed an eating disorder a year or two before the assault. It took me a long time to admit that but it did not start after the assault. I ate little - usually one meal a week - and could go two weeks or more without eating. I ran seven miles every day no matter what the weather or my health. I had fainting spells but hid all of this well.

After the assault I debeloped binge eating and then bulimia. I got hooked on laxatives and took things to throw up. But mostly used the laxatives. I spent almost a year with one therapist who got me off them. Except for lapses here and there I do not use them though the thoughts do creep in.

But it is the number. No matter what I weigh that number is on my forehead all the time. Every moment of every day I see it. If I gain a half pound I am depressed and pull back from others. I feel stressed and it is all I can think of. I struggle to distract myself but I see it as I talk to others and do my work. It is there as I try to relax at the house and on weekends. It absolutely drives me nuts at times. And it triggers a self loathing.

The second hospital I was in is world renowned for their ED tract. I was on the edges of it only since it is female oriented. I have found ones that work with males but they are in other states. But one day I would like to give it a try. I think that but not sure either.

I am just tired of this number running my days and a big chunk of my life.

Just had to get this out and look at it from this view.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#340489 - 09/19/10 07:54 PM Re: The Number [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007

thanks for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. You have my love and support. Earlybird

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#340495 - 09/19/10 08:40 PM Re: The Number [Re: prisonerID]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

Does this mean you have some unsettled issues from a time prior to the assault?