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#340255 - 09/15/10 05:00 AM When does it get better?
comet Offline

Registered: 08/28/10
Posts: 7
I had a normal life. Maybe even "privileged". I'm in my mid 20's, well into adulthood, but I never had to bear any real "adult responsibilities". I could say I was happy then, and looking back I would say that I was very very happy.

I just want it back = (

I just want to get past this sh%t. I can't live the rest of my life this way...
I need to be care-free again and not worry about stuff.
It's been a month already. I need to get over it. Someone please tell me it's possible.

#340259 - 09/15/10 08:53 AM Re: When does it get better? [Re: comet]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

Lies and false assurances will not do you or any other survivor any good. The recovery road is different for everyone...that includes what it looks like as well as length. My own experiences as well as those of the other survivors with whom I have now been interacting for over a year lead me to say that you are at the point where you begin to realize, this isn't just some "problem" that you consider for a while, devise a resolution and wrap up.

Some of us view recovery not as a specific goal to reach when you say "I'm cured", but a new way of life. Certainly you will reach a point where everything in your life isn't about recovery, but going back in time is unfortunately not possible. As you age your perspective on the abuse will change from what you might begin to see as something akin to what may have been a childlike acceptance on your part to the very adult shock and horror of what was done to you. You mentioned that you have never had any "adult responsibilities" do now...welcome to adulthood and good luck.


the family
the perp

#340261 - 09/15/10 11:26 AM Re: When does it get better? [Re: sono]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007
Hello Comet,

Thank you for sharing your hurts and desire to come to a place of complete healing. I wish I could say that my experience was that there was a final fix but as Kevin (sono) stated you are now in a new reality. There is hope and can be a wonderful future in this new life you are going to exist. I know for me there was no returning to the old Earl. He wasn’t gone but he had a different world view. Some of it really good some of it needed and still does, thirty eight years later, to be excavated.

You said you “just want it back”. Comet you can have the happiness back. You can even have your life back. I know I got mine back but not my old life. To chase that rainbow I fear will always elude you. But this life you, I and the rest of us here now exist is full of beautiful things that can be obtained there is hope everywhere but there is despair as well. We are here to walk with you. Earl

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#340262 - 09/15/10 11:48 AM Re: When does it get better? [Re: earlybird]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma

Let me begin by saying that however you feel is okay. This is your recovery and you are in control of it. Sometimes I think it is a lot like NA and AA - we have to be ready for the next step and sometimes we feel the need to stay just where we are for a bit.

From my own life I can say I spent far too long trying to get my old life back. I was always wishing for time to go backwards. I liked my life, my friends and what my future looked like back then. In the past year I have learned to let a lot of that go and work on my life now. I recall Nate Berkus, the decorator for Oprah, stating that after he lost his partner in the tsunami he did not see any life now. He stated he told Oprah that life would never be normal again. She told him that he would have a new normal.

That really stuck with me when I read the article. I think we can often gain from reading other things than recovery books. There are life experiences of others that can teach us things as well. So after reading that I decided to work on my new normal. I am not finished with it to my satisfaction but I spend less time trying to go backwards and change what I will never be able to.

I agree with Earl - you are there inside of you. You did not lose that young man - he is just buried under some crap. And yes, you are a different person. We all are from what our assaults did to us. We had developed lives and were "on our way". We had put much work already into the lives we wanted. We had our lives interrupted and disrupted. Now we have to get them back on track in the direction that we want them to be going towards.

It is not easy. It is a real bitch to deal with at times. But dealing with it is what we have to do in order to get our new normal. And when you say you are tired of it then that tells me you are ready to move forward. For when we get so sick and tired of the stuff we are dealing with we often can make some great leaps. And tiny steps can be leaps too.

I am so sorry for what was done to you. It did not "happen to you". It was done to you. You did not deserve it - you were a victim. You don't deserve to have to wrestle for this to gain your life back. But you do deserve that life and the hard work it will take to get that life that you want. If you had been in a car wreck you might need physical therapy to gain what you lost back. This is just as important and will require painful work as well.

You have our support in all ways. And by the way, good for you for writing this! Get the crap out of you by writing how you feel here. That is one of the best ways to be able to begin to process it all and begin working on different issues.

The amazing thing about this new forum is it reminds us each day that we are not alone. I come to it every day even if there is nothing new written here to remind me I am not the only man that has been raped. I am sick that there are others. But I take such strength from knowing these other men here. And that includes you.

If you don't have a therapist, and I cannot remember if you do, I encourage you to find one. If you cannot afford one try your local county services. Also, the United Way has begun working with men on sexual assault issues. At least they recognize the need and I applaud them for it.

And you have us. And we understand how it feels and how it is. And we will listen to you.

I am so glad to know you.


Edited by prisonerID (09/15/10 11:59 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#340269 - 09/15/10 03:06 PM Re: When does it get better? [Re: prisonerID]
EvanCan Offline

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
Thank you for your post, Daryl.
This line meant a lot: "From my own life I can say I spent far too long trying to get my old life back" ... and ... "She told him that he would have a new normal."

A "new normal." That's a great goal. One that I had not pondered. Thank you for the inspiration.

Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."

#340275 - 09/15/10 05:20 PM Re: When does it get better? [Re: comet]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma

Part of the beginnings of my recovery - has been allowing myself to "grieve" the loss of things in my life.

I actually wrote out a couple of pages of "things I have lost" - and put down my anger and feelings (imagine that - I have feelings) on the paper -------- it really seemed to give it validity and allowed me to vent in a healthy way. It let me move on. (I took my notes to my T and read it out loud - that helped also). You might find a trusted friend to share it with - when it feels right.

We all want to get past this shit.
Give yourself some time.

#340345 - 09/17/10 05:59 AM Re: When does it get better? [Re: Sobernow]
comet Offline

Registered: 08/28/10
Posts: 7
Hi everyone.

I'd like to thank each of you for your replies. Sorry my reply is late, but I have been sort of busy, or at least trying to keep myself busy, but also... sometimes I force myself to visit this site less frequently and try to do other things, even sacrificing the comfort that I get here.

I think the hardest part of my healing is that I'm not good at changing...if you will. I never really dealt with my emotions before.

But, like others, I did take in a lot, about having a "new reality" or "new normal". That is very comforting, and I cannot wait until my life adjusts accordingly.

Again, thank you for your replies. They mean everything to me.

#341216 - 10/01/10 06:25 AM Re: When does it get better? [Re: comet]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Remember after such things happen to us concerning abuse, we have who we really are inside. The hard part is seperating what happened with who we are.

I am so sorry u were hurt, it is never easy to get over.
Not sure what the answer is comet but I am here if you ever need to talk. I have been hurt as a child and then as an adult.

thanks for your comments and reaching out to us in this forum
it is the start of healing learning to deal with feelings and
comming here

Michael joseph

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat


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