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#339990 - 09/10/10 08:38 PM the scene of the crime
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
it has been a grueling couple of days, physically and emotionally. I am in a lot of pain and it hurts to breathe, but at the same time I am safe, my family is with me and i know i am not alone.

We went to the hospital where i was assaulted. Had to have tests done yesterday and a consult with a Dr. this morning. It's all over now and I don't have to go back for awhile--thank God. we traveled through corridors I KNOW I went through right after the assault, when they physically examined the damage the perp did to my body. My brain is swimming with memories and when I succumbed to my own exhaustion last night, my brain could only replay the freakshow that happened to me over and over in my nightmares. We are staying with some of our college friends... a husband & wife and their baby girl. I woke up screaming a few times in the night and each time, I woke up the entire household too, just in case this isn't humiliating enough. They don't know what happened to me and they probably never will.

But I owe you guys a huge "thank you." When I first came here to MS, I wasn't planning on ever telling my wife. But a bunch of you guys (along with my therapist) convinced me that if I didn't tell her with my words, I would be telling her with my actions & with my silence--and she would interpret them in a way that would eventually kill our marriage. I am so happy that I listened to all of you who encouraged me to tell her, because I can't imagine traveling down those hospital corridors, hearing the sounds of my crime scene & feeling that tightness throughout my entire body--all this and she wouldn't even know.

Now, she knows. And she reassured me that I was safe, and that we would come through this stronger than before. She took me to the chapel where she prayed every day for me while I was in that hospital. She said that while praying one day, she had the sense that she was carrying a child (even though we both thought it was not going to happen), and she showed me the dr's office in the hospital where she had her first ultrasound. We sat together in that chapel, and I cried more than all the other times in my adult life combined. I felt like such a dumbass crying in front of her, in front of God, and I was disgusted with myself when the cries alternated with episodes of vomiting and coughing and chest pain. But at least this time, I knew I wasn't alone. And thank God our friends were watching our son so he wouldn't have to see his Daddy cry.

And that is what angers me the most about all of this. I was someone's FATHER. At the time my abuse was happening, my son was MICROSCOPIC but even though he was a FETUS he had made his own way into the world, and he was ALIVE inside his mother's womb. No one, not even that SOB who abused me could take that away from me. At the same time, I am seething with anger for what this guy did to me, but even more, what he did to my son. Because my son never got to see his father back when he was whole. Before he was badly broken. In a sense, my perp stole me away from my son before I even had a chance to cut the cord. Still, I believe that life in the womb is sacred & I am grateful that even though my world was overcome with darkness after my sexual abuse, there was still a tiny, microscopic light in my world--so tiny I couldn't even see it at the time.

My brothers, know that I see you all as lights in my darkness, too.

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#340004 - 09/11/10 01:10 AM Re: the scene of the crime [Re: CruxFidelis]
Ischyros Offline

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 78
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
This is one of the bravest and most moving things I've ever read. I just can't imagine what it took to walk down those hospital corridors and face what you faced. CruxF, you are an extraordinary man. Thanks for posting this.

And your son will love you and be proud you are his father, just the way you are. I certainly understand about feeling diminished and broken by abuse, as we all do in our darker moments. But I'm willing to bet that your son won't think of you as broken or diminished. He'll just think of you as the brave father you are.

Thanks again for sharing your bravery with us. Blessings and peace to you my brother.

Proud survivor and WoR alumnus - Sequoia, April 2010

I want to live in the world
Not inside my head
I want to live in the world
I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong...

--Jackson Browne, "Alive In the World"

#340005 - 09/11/10 01:11 AM Re: the scene of the crime [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma

I am proud of you for facing down those memories and hauntings by going back there. You did something amazing by doing so. I am glad that you seem to recognize how huge this was and is.

The way you talk about your son is a joy to listen to. I can hear the love and adoration you have for him. And in this world that is what a son needs - love, support and devotion. That sounds like an amazing daddy to me. Your assailant took from you that night but you are more than what he stole. And over time you can regain what is still there but invisible or unrecognizable to you right now. True, the event added things to your life you never wanted or deserved in the form of nightmares, fears and more. But that man before the assault is still there - maybe parts buried for now. But they are there.

I say celebrate this to the hilt and run with it. Thank you for allowing us to celebrate it with you.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#340015 - 09/11/10 02:42 AM Re: the scene of the crime [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I didn't really think of this as something to celebrate (more like something to dread or run away from) but I guess not running away from my problems is a good thing regardless of whether it hurts or not. But if there was any way I could have gotten out of going to that hospital and seeing those dark places in my life resurface again, I would have gotten out of it somehow.. so I don't even know if it really counts as a step in the right direction if it's a step I made begrudgingly. Ugh, I can't stand how bitter that sounds! I never used to be this bitter! Maybe I need to have a different outlook... your positive spin on things is refreshing for sure.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my life with my son. He is my progeny, my legacy in this life which I hope will carry on to the next somehow. I just wishI didn't have reminders like that hospital on how far I have to go to uncover those buried & hidden parts of myself..

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#340016 - 09/11/10 02:50 AM Re: the scene of the crime [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007

I’d like to echo Ischyros and Daryl words as to your bravery in returning to “the scene of the crime”. I would like to add that your wife also showed great strength in her support of you. You are very fortunate to have a close support system.

Hearing your obvious love for your newly born child is heartwarming. This warm I’m sure your son felt while still in the womb. You are a giant to him, strong and powerful. This is the dad he sees. Earl

Edited by earlybird (09/11/10 02:51 AM)
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#340150 - 09/13/10 02:10 PM Re: the scene of the crime [Re: earlybird]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I am glad you were able to face this.

It shows strength and courage CF.


Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#340152 - 09/13/10 03:11 PM Re: the scene of the crime [Re: CruxFidelis]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma

I am so glad to hear that your wife was around to support you during your trip to the hospital.

It is sad to have to admit our losses -- but it helped me to go thru that phase of recovery.

Even though damage has been done --- everything is not lost -- you can still work on recovery in order to have a very full life with your son. It's only when we fail to put in the effort to get healing - that hopelessness sets in -- and our relationships suffer.

If you are feeling things -- it is a sign you are alive.

#340252 - 09/15/10 03:32 AM Re: the scene of the crime [Re: Sobernow]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA

How does one know the light, but to be a light?

We as survivors so berate ourselves, and yet, there was nothing we could do. So, to resent the past is to allow the perpetrator a place in our minds. You will learn through therapy and from other lights in this display, that we can be a new version of our former selves, and a voice for those who cannot speak currently.

I picture your analogy of lights as the display at a big box store, The section where it is SO bright and warm, this calming feeling as we pass through that section, and examine fixtures, shade and diffusers.

Let it be, for now, Pete, that you stay here, in this section, and bask in the glow and warmth of survivor light, until your own fixture is recovered sufficiently to going us. With this post, and subsequent sharing, your light is getting brighter.


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014


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