I've struggled with fear since I can remember-I realize this is more than just a csa topic, and in a different forum.
It boils down go fear of rejection-in my csa I was rejected for who I was and made to be who THEY wanted me to be-so I've always felt unworthy around other men-especially those who resemble the teenage boys who humiliated, trapped, abused and hurt me -it broke my spirit and sense of safety.
I've come to realize that the shutting down and silence I acted out after my CSA was a more fundamental rejection of myself than just about anything else-if that makes sense. In trying to improve my life,I've seen that that was MY PART.
This hasn't been helped by my desire to have power over other males and to protect females at the same time being angry with those who aren't as messed up as me.
I laugh now when I recall one psychotherapist I saw for several months before my repressed csa memories erupted-he remarked that I seemed to have a "fear of catastrophic destruction" yeah, I guess you could call it that.
I didn't have the ability at nine to stand up for myself and speak my truth-so I've tried to get others to affirm me and NOT reject me. That's a lot to put on others - the expectation that they can heal me with me looking deep at the pain and brokenness inside and discovering that I DO have abilities, capabilities, and what happened to me was wrong and all about my perps. I don't need to take that negative energy on.
Edited by Mountainous Buck (09/08/10 11:20 AM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.
�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner