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#339220 - 08/30/10 05:03 AM New descructive feelings?? Need advice.
Love2Fish Offline

Registered: 08/24/10
Posts: 8
I opened up to my wife a few weeks ago about having endured several abuses at young ages. For over 30 years I was petrified to admit this to anyone because it made me feel shameful, damaged, and like less of a man. She has been incredibly supportive all along.

Now that I have begun the healing process, I KNOW the reasons for the self-hate aren't true, but I can't help but FEEL them--although now to a lesser extent. This has led me to a really intense feeling/fear that my wife is going to get fed up and leave me. There is no rational thinking behind this, but I can't help it. I wonder how long she can put up with being married to a damaged man who cries all the time and has such confused emotions. I wonder when she will tell me that she's met a man that can take care of her and give her what she wants. I still feel like she's not attracted to me. I wonder if the "new me" is going to be less fun and adventurous, which are things she loved about me. I picture my life all alone and it's absolutely hear-wrenching.

My wife is incredible. She adores and supports me. She is totally focused on our family. Yet I can't shake these images/thoughts that break my heart every time I conjur them up. I don't have any idea why I am doing this to myself. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Edited by Love2Fish (08/30/10 05:05 AM)

#339222 - 08/30/10 05:29 AM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: Love2Fish]
Silly Offline

Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 140
Loc: Virginia
I have no suggestions...only validation and letting you know you aren't alone in those fears. I live in fear my wife will one day soon be fed up with me the way I am and I'll be left alone. I know exactly how you feel.



The Round Table, Men's Sexual Abuse Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#339223 - 08/30/10 06:18 AM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: Silly]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Try this web page. Also I find meditation helps too:

"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#339231 - 08/30/10 08:36 AM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: kb8715]
Mulligan Offline

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Wow, first of all I must agree with you on one thing, which is the fact that I love to fish too.

Ok now down to the heart of the matter. You will not be this emotional forever, you are feeling your way through them. Which happens to be the only way. It can get a little old having all of this going on for what seems like forever. I think it is understandable to have a fear of the wife leaving you. I mean here we were lied to as children that we had to be something impossible to be loved. Your wife sounds like a good person and a wonderful proponent of your cause, try letting your gaurd down and bask in the love. I am certain that she will get weary at times, supporting a survivor is no easy task. The best thing you can do is talk to her about these fears, try to work through them so you can focus on your recovery.

And of course we are all here with you. And if I didn't mention it before, I can totally relate to your fears.

Your brother,


Because I never give up the fight!

#339236 - 08/30/10 10:35 AM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: Love2Fish]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
I don't have any suggestions --- but have some of the very same feelings about my wife and my marriage.

If she is not home when I get home from work - I just assume she has probably left me.

When she says she loves me - I don't believe her.

#339247 - 08/30/10 01:29 PM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: Sobernow]
nltsaved Offline

Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 943
Loc: Kc,Mo
be open and honest with ypur wife share your fears with her.
for better or worse right?

sounds like you have a great wife and that , a fear do not let it control you you get to the bottom of the fear .
let it out and than you can can see where that leads you. if you just keep it in your head it will keep you chained to it . take it's power away and seek the anwer to your fear.

ask your wife where she is in your recovery? and where does she plan on being through the process. be open about where you are and where you see you self and your marriage being .

i mean set goals build a road map so to speak . make a game plan and if you fall short of your goals acknoledge it and make new ones , but always staying on the same page.

you are brave for telling your wife and she probley gets why you are the way you are and why you do some of the things you do . this can be a beautifull time in your life to grow together not apart .

my 2 cents

Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were.

Why I hate Religion but love Jesus

#339929 - 09/09/10 07:28 PM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: nltsaved]
Regs Offline

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 153
Loc: Oklahoma
Talk to her. Tell her your fears.

WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

#339989 - 09/10/10 04:25 PM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: Regs]
oldguy Offline

Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
L2F, I remember the terror I had of anyone knowing my secret shame and guilt over my abusive sexual fantasies. I hoped to carry the secret to the grave, but, under duress, I told my wife. It was very uncomfortable for me for a few years but it finally became sort of a background noise in our relationship until my wife came to the realization that she had been abused sexually as a child by members of her family and some guys when she was a teenager. So then with the aid of a T I began to look for the origin of my fantasies and came to the realization that I too had been abused as a child. It was not my shame. It was the perpetrator's. That was a relief. And once the secret was out I could speak more freely about it-in safe places that is. We are not less men for having been abused when we were helpless children. We have faced up to the reality and are doing something about it, ie, recovering. Oldguy

#340003 - 09/10/10 08:33 PM Re: New descructive feelings?? Need advice. [Re: oldguy]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Howdy, my brothers,

My, brother L2F. I'm the last person in this world to try and help you in this battle. I am sure that you will make the right decision.

I, just walked away from mine.

But, i offer you my compassion, understanding & love, in this battle.

Heal well, my brother, L2F, heal well.


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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