I grew up bouncing form home to home because my mother was young and never learned how to be a responsible adult . The abuse started when I was around 7 the memories are kind of clouded because either I blocked these things out or because of the massive drug and alcohol abuse over the years but here goes.
There was a family friend who would watch me all the time. This man would treat me as if I was his own child from buying me things from clothes to toys. He would give me a bath every night I was at his house and began to pay extra attention to my private areas . I had no idea what was going on ,but did wonder why he would spend so much time cleaning down there.
Over the years it progressed to masturbating me and I would wake up in the middle of the night with him performing oral sex on me . I remember him teaching me about masturbation and ejaculation and were sperm comes from .
This is a part of my story that still haunts me to this day and always will , the fact that I brought other people into this sick world. I will not use names but I ended up giving a family member a bath and I ended up trying to perform oral sex on him he was 8 at the time I think . All I was doing was acting out what was done to me many times before. I believe I was 11 at the time.
Well he told his mother and she had the my first perpetrator talk to me about what I had done . When he “the perpetrator” began to talk to me about what I had done, all I could do is cry and cry and cry some more . Talk about an awkward moment . She had no idea he had been abusing me for 4yrs up until that point.
I also shared the terrible things I had learned with another person I will not name names because they are currently living in their own personal hell . That started when he was like 10 and it lasted until he was 16. This is the hardest thing to admit because the first person I showed these things to, it only happened 1 time and it was isolated . He is doing well in life and we have talked about it as adults and it did not have the same affect as it could have.
The second person I showed these things two is still currently doing drugs and is addicted to alcohol. This is another reason I became addicted to drugs and alcohol to hide from the fact I thought of myself as a pervert but in reality all I was doing is acting out . Doing to others what I thought at the time was normal .
It got to the point were we both knew it was wrong but we continued the acts until it just got weird . We both began to have relationships with females and like I said it got really weird. He still to this day says the things that we did as kids have not effected him . He says we were just kids and he has no problem with it . But his actions speak louder than words . This is very common for abused children to do , this was my normal everyday life .All I was doing was sharing what I had learned and lets face it , it is not like sexual acts do not feel good . I had no concept at the time that it was wrong it was MY NORMAL . I will continue my story now .
I just could not leave that part out because it is essential that even though I hate the fact it happened and I wish I could undo it . The fact is it happen and it happens a lot and with my testimony others who have done the same things can begin to heal from them no matter how terrible they sound to the outside world ,” the world that has not suffered from abuse “ can now begin to see the Full affects of sexual abuse.
I never told anyone about the abuse because I figured all of the attention I was receiving from my first perpetrator would all go away if I told someone. The fact that he would go to jail scared me to. I did not want something bad to happen to someone who “loved me so much “ so I thought . I stopped spending time at his house as I got older and the family moved away from the area he lived in .
After experiencing these things I was easy pray for the next person that came along in my life .
I moved in with my grandmother and she lived a block away from a skating center. This is were I met a disk jockey who worked there. He told me his name was Tony Cisero, later I would find out his real name he had changed his name because he was wanted in Wisconsin for molesting other kids.
I began to hang out with him a lot ,he also gave me attention and made me feel like I was an adult. He would take me to the movies and after a while he started asking me if I could keep secretes and if I was “old enough to keep adult secretes” I fell hook line and sinker I fell into being important enough to be trusted with “adult” “secretes” .
Tony began to tell me that his real name was Mark, but not to tell anyone because the police would take him to jail because , according to him he was like a secrete spy or something working for the government or he was undercover or something like that . I do not remember exactly what it was but it was convincing enough to believe him.
Some of my friends were hanging around his house a lot . One day 2 of my friends at the time were at his house and he was telling a story about how he got a massage one time and he paid extra to have a “penis massaged” it was a little weird at first and asked if I had ever had one . I told him no but to my surprise my other 2 friends chimed in and said it feels really good and that they had had one before .
I was puzzled and curious at the same time. They continued to tell me that it felt good and that I should try it . Tony says it does feel really good and that he had shown my 2 friends how to do it .
I was feeling very uneasy when suddenly one of my friends jumped down on the floor and volunteered himself to have one performed on him because I was hesitating to do it. So the next thing I no my friend pulls his pants down and Tony begins to put lotion on his penis and starts massaging it until orgasm.
At this point I was scared and was still undecided and my other friend jumps down and pulls his pants down and Tony does the same thing so when that was done I said what the hell I guess it is ok . Looking back it was as if my friends just wanted to share their experience so they could justify to themselves that this was ok . After that time I spent a lot of time at Tony’s house . Tony began doing this to me every day and my friends were there also. This progressed into giving me oral sex , he actually paid me 5 dollars to do that the first time.
My grandmother got evicted from her house and I moved in with Tony were I lived with him over a year. In this time the whole neighborhood spent time at Tony’s house masturbating one another performing oral sex on each other. At one point Tony was using me to recruit others into spending the night so he could molest them in their sleep. He would have me knock on parents doors asking if so and so can come out and play.
I remember one of the parents looked at me right in the face as if he knew what was going on and that there was not a chance in hell he was letting his kid go with me, and at the same time why did he do nothing if he knew it was obvious? He knew what was going on by the way he answered me .
The whole time I was going through this I felt I must be gay or bi sexual because I had been doing this with so many boys . Yet there was attractions to girls the whole time. This was very confusing for me and I would struggle with this fear of others finding out what I had been doing with boys, so I kept my mouth shut.
Tony would manipulate me into so much he would only play certain songs at the skating rink if I agreed to let him give me oral sex when we would get home and when he would finish giving me oral sex he would than put the lotion between my legs and thrust his penis in and out of my legs until he ejaculated he would have a code name for this action he would tell me he would only do this or that for me if I would give him “legs” that is what he called it .
There were porn magazines we were all exposed to and some videos. This was our normal everyday routine and no one stepped in and stopped it . I would hear parents whispering about it ,why did this guy have all these boys at his house and yet no one did anything about it .
I found a girlfriend at the end stage of the abuse I met her ,skating her name was Tonya she was the first girl I ever kissed and I would go skating every night . I had feelings for her so I thought was I was bi sexual I did not no what I was. I had no clue ,I did no that I could never tell her about what was going on because she might think I was gay. I was 13 when I kissed her in the back room of the skating rink . That was a defining moment for me because I knew that I really did like girls and that I wanted to be with a girl I was just confused I will talk more about Tonya later in the story for truly God is amazing and you will see that later.
I ended up moving away back to my grandmothers when I was 13. One day while I was at a friends house my grandmother told me to turn on the news and there was Tony was on the news getting arrested on child molestation charges . One of the boys had told his parents what was going on and the next time I would see Tony now **** ********** was in court.
I got on the stand and they asked me if he had ever touched me or if he had done anything to me . I lied and said he had done nothing to me . They tried for like 10 minutes to get anything out of me and I gave them nothing. I was ashamed and the courtroom was full of people.
I was terrified I looked at him one time while I was in court he had his front tooth missing later I would find out he had been beat up in jail for doing what he had done .I never had any therapy for this after the trial.
I have lived in a more than 26 different homes in my life from living with family members and friends , my car ,motels . I have attended 16 different schools. I was kicked out of the house at the age of 16 and sold drugs to survive. I was very blessed to have parents of friends take me in and give me some sort of stability .
I ended up selling drugs and doing drugs from the age of 16 until 23 . I drank everyday from sun up until sundown for years doing every drug under the sun. I sold drugs so I always had money. When it was all said and done I was selling 10 lbs of marijuana a week. Fueling my drug and alcohol addiction was my denial of the abuse I had suffered and the fact the one of my friends had taken his life because of the abuse from Mark a.k.a Tony this also was to much for me to handle.
I sold drugs had the car with the rims and the speakers I lived a lie and I hid it well I lived behind a mask the whole time. I Was addicted to pornography and masturbation for yrs . I was running around having sex all he time . I tried to kill myself with pills one time my uncle rushed me to the hospital where they pump my stomach. I also tried to drink myself to death on more than one occasion. I drank a couple pints of Hennessey and drank more than 10 bears and was in the hospital because of alcohol poisoning .
I remember the nurse had came in with tears in her eyes yelling at me about a girl who had died the night before because of alcohol poisoning and she was only 16 . She was so upset at my negligence for life . Soon after she left and the doctor came in looking so puzzled flipping through my chart he looked at me in bewilderment he than states and I quote “some one must think highly of you because there is not one logical explanation why I was still alive with the amount of alcohol I had consumed” all I could think of is why am I still alive at all I did not want to be?.
When I got out of the hospital I began drinking and doing drugs the very same day I got out . I went back in the hospital some time later for the same thing alcohol positioning , the doctor took pictures of my stomach witch had been bleeding at the time and told me I was going to die if I did not get help soon. The doctor gave me the picture and I kept it for a long time but it still did not stop me from drinking and doing drugs.
I carried this with me for so long and I was so tired of living this life with all the pain in my life . I went on vacation with my sister her husband and one of my best friends who took me in when I was homeless. I had plenty of money from selling drugs and had rented a cabin on the lake were I proceed to buy and endless supply of beer . I found myself alone floating down the river watching the sunset. I had a inner tube tied to my foot with a cooler of ice cold beer in the middle of it and beer in hand . I remember looking around at the landscape the trees , the color of the sky was orange and red very beautiful and peaceful.
I had this peace come over me and I started thinking man I wish I could feel this peace everyday ?. I asked myself why can’t I feel this peace ? This led to my conversation with God. I began to pour my soul out to God as if he was right in front of my face. Having a out loud conversation with him. I ask God if you are real than please help me I can no longer live my life like this . If you are real than help me otherwise when I get back to Kansas city I am going to really take my life . I had reached the end of my rope . I had failed attempts at killing myself but this time would be different I vowed !!. I told him if he really is God and can help me than please help me . I would be willing to try things his way if he was real because trying them my way did not work for me. So that was my intent , I was going to try this whole Jesus God thing out and if it did not work I really had made up my mind to kill myself.
After that day I went back to Kansas city and like 3 or 4 days later my cousin called me out of the blue stating he was thinking about going to church that upcoming Sunday . It was a church I had went to when I was a kid. He said I was really thinking about going and he did not want to go alone.
I had this feeling come over me as if things were going to be ok. I looked up and asked did you hear me God ? I went to church that Sunday and I did not no expect anything to really happen . I did like the service and thought maybe God did here me and maybe I should really give it a shot.
I went to every bible study every service their was . I was really feeling it and for the first 2 yrs I still sold drugs I still was having sex and drinking . But I could tell there was something to this whole God thing . It was September 29th 2001 I was filthy drunk stayed up all night long drinking when I felt the spirit tell me go to church and get baptized . I remember distinctly dismissing this prompting and I even argued with what I thought was myself . I am not going to get baptized I am drunk. I drove myself home went to sleep and slept for 2 hrs and woke up went to church and got baptized smelling like a brewery.
I came up out of the water feeling the presence of God all around me all through me I can not put into words what I felt that day . All I no is that day a miracle happened because that was the last day I had a drink of alcohol. God took the desire I struggled with for so long away from me . I stopped drinking that day . It truly was a miracle. I knew with out a shadow of a doubt that God really does exist .
I listen to someone’s testimony at church who had been molested and she talked about it as if it was no big deal . I knew at that point in my life that healing is possible but I was along way from that but it was inspirational to say the least . I thought one day that will be me and I can honestly say this has come true for me at the age of 31.
I got my very own place for the first time In my life I had a place to call home. I was 23rs old I lived breathed, ate, slept God for a couple of years. I lived in a duplex and one day I was watching the people next door move in . I looked and there was Tonya the first girl I had ever kissed . My first girlfriend I had at the age of 13. I looked up at the sky at that very moment I knew deep down inside that I was going to marry her , it was an a very real moment . I looked up and asked God are you kidding me ?
I introduced myself to her she had told me she always wondered what had happen to me and even tried looking me up over the years but never found me . Needless to say I marred her in 2005 she knew all about the abuse I suffered. She went on to tell me the whole skating rink knew what was going on but no one wanted to get involved.
I told her everything there was to no about me and she excepted me for who I was .
She has 3 kids herself only one was living with her at the time we were married . We would have to fight in court for the other .
We had my first daughter Heaven Lee Tice June 30th of 2006. When she was born she was born with down syndrome and we did not even find out until the day of her birth. We leaned on Christ the whole time, later we found out she would have to have heart surgery to place a wall in her heart. She was 6 months old at the time of the surgery . She pulled through and is 4 now doing great . After the birth of our first we had a son June 20th 2007 . We also ended up getting custody of my wife’s other 2 kids . After we got custody I realized to many familiar behaviors. So I asked them had anyone done something to them sexually? The tears began to fall and both had been molested by their uncle . Yea I no this sounds nuts but it is all true.
We went to court for that ,got the kids counseling and they have the opportunity to talk to some one that really understands what they are going through “me“. God placed this all together and we are all doing just fine now. It has taken a long time to reach the point of not living in fear of what others will think about my abuse but I simply do not care enough to care what others think . I figure they have not walked in my shoes so they would and could not understand what I went through. All I can say Is God is good and has brought healing in to my life and made it possible to sit here and type this with absolute peace. Yes I still have triggers and have some issues but I am living life and I am not controlled by my past .
Edited by ModTeam (08/29/10 04:48 AM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added