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#338892 - 08/24/10 09:55 AM What would you do?
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706

Edited by fhorns (08/26/10 01:30 PM)

#338894 - 08/24/10 12:00 PM Re: What would you do? [Re: fhorns]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas

i don't know if you have already tried or not, so please forgive me for asking the question if you have but, have you sat down and tried having a rational discussion with her about the issue of sex? explain to her what it means to you in the form of being close? find out from her what it means to her and so on?

also, i'm not sure about the email you wrote... it comes off as threatening to me, borderline abusive... i'm not saying you are... just that it looks to me like it's threatening, demanding and she may see it that way instead of the way you may really mean it...

have you thought about marriage counseling with regards to this?

just some thoughts i had... hope that things work out for you.


live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#338897 - 08/24/10 01:25 PM Re: What would you do? [Re: fhorns]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
I would not send it. Sit on it for a while.

Have you been to marriage counseling? I never believed in counseling - but when I figured out it wasn't working - I agreed to go (alone at first).

Also, you might want to check out some marriage books at the bookstore. "Love and Respect" is a good workbook -- also any type of intimacy books might help.

I am a 12-steps guy ----> keep your side of the street clean.....
That is all you can really do.

#338898 - 08/24/10 01:49 PM Re: What would you do? [Re: fhorns]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
II don't mean to be judgmental or too "forward" but I tried to read this through the eyes of a spouse, and it made me wonder.... what is your objective in sending her this message? What do you want her to do? What do you expect out of her?

There's a copy of the latest version of the Oxford English Dictionary sitting on my bookshelf and there are twenty thick volumes. There are a LOT of words in our language at our disposal and it's up to you to choose a combination that is going to get your point across without hurting her. I know that you've mentioned in the past that your wife is a survivor of sexual abuse, too. Don't forget that as a husband, you've been entrusted with her heart, and it's your supreme responsibility to get it to Heaven in one piece. Language is a gift that we must use wisely--so choose your words in the way that is going to cause the least amount of pain for her--and will be likely to cause a defensive reaction. This is your marriage, bro.

You mentioned that your marriage is under attack. I know that condition so very well... but let me tell you, your wife is NOT your adversary--you both need to be fighting this battle against the long term effects of CSA and you need each other. You need to make her feel like she can be part of the solution, not that she is part of the problem. I know couples who have gone to marriage counseling, and that has helped them fight the battle with each other, not against each other. If you're not going to counseling, you really need to consider it as an investment in your future together.

I can't speak for all men, but I know I have a tendency to see sex as a way of creating intimacy with my wife. After sex, I felt close to her, I felt victorious. At the same time, there have been seasons in my marriage where sex is not gonna happen (Natural Family Planning, bipolar mood swings, morning sickness, miscarriage, etc etc). Was it frustrating? HELL YEAH. I'm thankful for those times in our marriage, now. We learned how to express our love for each other without sex. That doesn't take away from the fact that sex is great (or WAS great for us) but now that it's not part of our marriage, we are still in love.

I said before that for me, sex = creating intimacy w/ my partner. But after reading a lot about what makes women tick, I discovered that women see sex as an EXPRESSION of intimacy that is already there. So if your wife feels distant from you, or unloved, or triggered by her own abuse, or depressed, sexual intimacy with you probably isn't going to happen until those other deeper emotional needs are addressed. I know, it sucks that men and women are so different sometimes, and it's really inconvenient, but if you want her to see things from your perspective you are going to have to think about hers. You've got to think about why her door is shut and the proactive measures you can take to address that emotional impasse.

You mentioned that you're not OK with sexual "submission." I don't know exactly what you mean by that. All I know is that FEAR and RESENTMENT are two huge mortal enemies of a healthy marriage and you two need to be fighting the battle against them together. I don't know if she knows that you've been "sharing your heart with other women in your sleep" but if she doesn't know, it's not going to be easy for her to take. I can't tell you what to do with your relationship but in my opinion, it might spark a reaction in her that will "submit" to your sexual desires out of fear that you'll act on your temptations toward other women. In that scenario, she is having sex not because she wants to but because she feels like there is no other choice, and that, my friend, is not a position ANYONE should be put in. I encourage you to think about why you want your wife to have sex with you. Do you want to create a feeling of intimacy and togetherness, or to simply satisfy an itch? How often is often enough?

I hope you're discussing these issues with your T. Remember, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's better to work out these feelings with your therapist & discuss an action plan for expressing them in the least hurtful way BEFORE you confront her.

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#338901 - 08/24/10 03:04 PM Re: What would you do? [Re: fhorns]
Pattycakes Offline

Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada
Hi Alfred,

I can tell how hurt and disappointed you are with the whole situation. You are darn mad and I think you are allowed to feel that way. Sex is an important part of relationships and you should adress the issue.

I just don't think this is the right way for now.... I understand that you are suffering greatly. I would too if I didn't have some of my needs met...

Maybe it would be best for now to let her know why you want to have sex with her instead of telling her why you're upset. You can't attract bees with vinegar... or is it flies ? LOL

What I mean to say is you should tell her about the fun part of having sex (making love) rather than presenting things like she owes you sex. Which is more abusive than anything. Physical pleasure must always be consensual and must come from the heart, not from anything else.

Telling her your fantasies about other women is the surest way to make her close that door definitely, I can tell you this much. I would never let my b/f see me naked after he told me he fantasized about other women. EVER. I would dump his sorry *ss right away LOL

In your email, you're saying that she doesn't respect you when she says Not now... maybe a good thing would be to create a mood. Have dinner with her and ask her how she is. You guys should just spend time together without bickering, arguing, blaming eachother,etc. Don't expect her to 'losen' up after just one nice evening. Why don't you ask her out on a date ? Show her how much she's important to you: open doors, pull her chair, hold her by the waist, etc.

You're in a tough place right now, I understand that, but please don't send her that email, I find it very hurtful... Which is a bit puzzling since you seem to be such a kind man...


If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa


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