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#338368 - 08/15/10 06:48 PM Complex confused (trigger)
eddy37 Offline

Registered: 08/12/10
Posts: 5
Loc: europe
Well, after reading the storyís in this section I want to write my confusion here. Maybe someone relays to it and maybe provided some help. I try to keep it short but its complex.

At this moment I encounter so many things were i think about en what they mean for me and if its something i just normally would have done without the abuse. I always thought that i was gay. I never had a coming out the way ďnormal" kids/young adults do or will have this. When I was 17 i thought; ok, I have done this with guys so iím gay. I donít know exactly what age i was when abused but it have to be between 9 and 11 or 12. I met this guy which was 6 year older (15/16). He took me in his life and constantly came around, waited after school ect. He started to call me his little brother and i was his best friend. Of course there was some bedding in my family life. My father was always at work so my mother had to take care for everything. I guess i missed a little male guidance and role model. So this guy somehow noticed my needs for hugs and attention and he gave it to me. I donít know how long it took before anything happened. But he started fooling around like boys do. Somewhere in the line he start "testing" me. Maybe i was born to be gay and liked (way to early) the psychical attention and went along. He also wrote me letters telling me that we will be friends forever. He introduced me with his group of friends and protected me. I practically saw him every day en even so many times we did that sexual thing. He really was my big brotherÖ.
And then he left me for a girl. I didnít know what was happening en felt complete lost. I can remember that i asked him why and that i still tried to see him. He told me i was jealous and wanted the sex-thing every timeÖÖÖÖ.Now i now that was the moment to put the blame on me. I felt nothing and didnít now what to do. It was our secret (he made it that) so i had to keep it a secret. He didnít asked me to keep it a secret but somewhere in the line he put it in my head. Somewhere in my head i knew it was not a good thing so i guess i was embarrassed and felt left alone. At home i was brought up the way that you do things for other people. Donít speak bad about people and donít put your head out so people can see you en can say something about you.
And after i was left by this guy it went wrong. I do not no exactly how it worked but is guess (and a bit feeling) that there was one thing i had to do and thatís finding a new friend that would be my best friend. And we do all those same things. And then we will really be best friend forever. I kept searching for that someone. At the age of 15/16 i belonged with a popular group. I liked one of the guys (the most friendly/cute one). I tried but this went wrong and he told the other boys. I was embarrassed and fear that they will laugh at me. So i went to the ďgay-worldĒ. I went to public places and did things for some money. Now I think that that was my way to also be in control. I could say what i want and not the other. But i think that the others still had control over things. After a little while i stopped this and came in contact with a 11 year older person. I started a relation en left home to go live with him. I think i had someone and that it was ok. But in no-time he cheated on me. I didnít now how to react and he let me believe that this things were normal in the gay world. And so i did go on with it and i assumed it was ok. In that relation i've got a ocb. Everything was dirty so i kept washing my hands forever. Later i didn't get clean after sexual contact with someone. I still have this and even feel itchy after contact with someone now. Six years later I met a guy that was 5 year younger. I left and went to the new guy. This guy had some relation problems with his father. I wanted to help him and thought that is was working. In the 10 years we were together he cheated me and wenn i was angry because of that we get in fights and he did abuse me psychical. At the end he left me and i was in shock. I know i allowed him to do things to me, on the end, that i would never do. That way i hoped he liked me because i let him do it and so he would stay. Didnít workÖ
After that relation i learned some things and at least i started to think that there was something not right in my life and that it has been started by the first time when i was 9. I got a little more self esteem and a little confidence. Then i met a guy, co-worker, that is 10 years younger. It started as friends and after a while i told him that i like guys. This was no problem for him. I helped because he was a trainee. After a few months i left en went working somewhere else. The friendship stays and we saw each other every two weeks. He introduced me at his home and friends. After 6 months he stood before me, had some beers, and told me he felt as much for me as he does for girls and didnít now what to do. I did feel good because someone said this to me. I just kept helping him with his education/school. After a while i started asking what he wanted because he kept acting like he was in love with me. For three years he told me that he had problems with his education and after that he would think about it. But he kept talking like he was in love with me. We slept in one bed and there were 2 times of psychical contact. I asked him if that was ok because i didnít want to do anything that he didnít like or wanted. He said it was ok. Then, after he had his degree, he thought for 2 months and decided he wasnít like that and chooses a girlÖÖÖ,same pain like 25 years ago. He had some girls while he was in education and that made me sad. But he kept saying that i was special, his best friend, and that he will never let me down. Thatís why i stayed. And now he told me he isnít that way but keeps saying that he loves me and iím his best friend. I think he had problems and doesnít wanna leave me for some strange reason.
Now i also see that i had also took some behavior of my abuser. I know that i acted some way so he would sleep in the same bed. I feld something strange with him that i cold not place. Now i now that there is something with him. He had periods of drinking, gambling, and a lot of different girls. But i thought he is an adult and must be able to make adult decisions.

So now i have a problem. I donít know who i am anymore. I know that after my abuse i was only chasing something that isnít there. And if its there its probably not good. In the relations i had people cheating an sometimes beating me. People have used me for my body or my help for different things. I have no self esteem and donít trust anyone. And if i trust someone itís the wrong person to give my trust. Because of the bad communication at my home and to learn not to talk too loud or to much because people may think something about you. I often feel embarrassed for no reason and will do anything so people like me. I have always forget myself and can only react to younger people (20-30). I trust them more for some reason. Im to scared to talk to guys i like but if there's one with a ďproblemĒ i seem to find them en connect. And than again i do everything. The only guys iím attracted to are younger guys. I think there beautiful, have nice bodys. But sometimes i think i only like them because they are ďfreeĒ. Most of the time it are popular guys, sport guys and have a lot of friends. I think it's something i always wanted to be when i was younger. If i can connect i mix something up and wanna have sexual contact with them. Because of my shame and the abuse i have not tried enough in relations. I'm to scared to be alone so i stay. I never can defend myself. If someone says "i love you" he can do whatever he wants. I will accept everything because i'm nothing. The guy i have a relation with is somehow always the better one and i look up to him. Just like i did when i was a little boy. I only act the same way as the guy and do the things he does so i'm good and interesting to.

The last guy confused me because he likes girls. I donít know what happened but i started too look to girls to. Why do i do this? Because he is great and can get lots of girls? (he uses them to) So if i do like girls too i will be so also ďgreatĒ like him. Does he like me more if i also like girls? Or is this because i had never take the time to look to other things? Did i forgot something because of my obsessive behavior after i was left as a young boy? Everything to find another real best friend. Never felt anything for a ďnormalĒ guy. At least one that is my age or older. And if i meet a older/same age guy i will still have sexual contact with this guy because i think i have to. If i donít he will not like me and i will have again a friend less (and i have so few friends already) How can i find this out? I donít know how to talk or interact with girls. Iím ashamed to connect. And if i connect i will behave strange so they will leave me. Sometimes i think that despite my abuse i would also have liked girls anyway but i donít know for sure. Someone took the moment away from me.
I donít now if i have to find it out now. Iím still not mad at the abuser for what he sexual did to me. Only that he left me. But maybe i put that away. I cant remember all the things that happened and donít now if i have to know that first so i can be angry to him. (why cant i be mad?)

I hope someone understands me and can tell me what to do.

Edited by eddy37 (08/15/10 10:38 PM)

#338374 - 08/15/10 10:41 PM Re: Complex confused (trigger) [Re: eddy37]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brother.

I just want you to know that someone has heard your cries.
I don't know what to say to you. I don't have any answers for you.

Complex isn't the word for it.

I am sure that one of our fraternal brothers, would try and give you some answers.

We have a safe place GBTQ session tonight,
It starts at 9pm Eastern time US. So that puts you 6 hours ahead of us. Central European time. For England/Ireland then it's 5 hours ahead.

If you can be up at that time, then log on to the chat room, you will need an invite, when that appears then click on it.

If i see your name then i'll give the moderator a heads up and invite you in.

Heal well, my fraternal brother eddie37,heal well.


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#338557 - 08/18/10 04:35 PM Re: Complex confused (trigger) [Re: petercorbett]
Shaun The Sheep Offline

Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Just wanted to throw my hat in and say 'Wow - I'm so sorry that you're going through this.' I wholeheartedly recommend getting some therapy and learning to filter out your sexuality from your abuse. Your sexuality and your abuse have become mixed for you - not uncommon - your journey sounds heartbreaking and I hope some good things are around the corner for you.

Cheers - join the conversation - get some help.



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