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#341088 - 09/29/10 05:20 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: westsidej]
EvanCan Offline

Registered: 09/09/10
Posts: 170
Originally Posted By: westsidej
Thanks to my fantastic therapist, I now simply accept all sexual thoughts as equal, acknowledge them and then since I am married, let the homosexual images just fade back into my brain.

Jay, this was well-said. Thank you for your post.

Hope Springs 2010 WoR Alumnus
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."

#341089 - 09/29/10 05:22 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: stefalc1]
LucianF Offline

Registered: 09/29/10
Posts: 5
Loc: New York City
I am glad you are seeking out a therapist, stefalc1. Two of the hardest parts about having these confused feelings are the isolation and shame. It has been good for me to unburden myself by talking with a therapist. I have even confided in one close friend, which was incredibly hard to do. But in the end, it was good for me to feel less alone, and know that people will stick by me... even if I feel like I don't deserve it.

Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk.

I may not be better than other people, but at least I'm different. -- Rousseau

#341092 - 09/29/10 05:59 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: LucianF]
Shaun The Sheep Offline

Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Lucian -

Focus on your issues, don't try to self-medicate by offering advice to other people yet. You aren't in a position to. I say that coming from the place where I tried to tune my pain out by offering advice and in the end, it just doesn't work out. You work on you and your marriage first. You weren't doing that before and that's part of the reason you're where you are now.

I'm being blunt and direct but I care - hope things go well with the wife.

#341095 - 09/29/10 06:18 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
LucianF Offline

Registered: 09/29/10
Posts: 5
Loc: New York City
I hear you, Shaun. I will be mindful of the self-medicating path. If I have learned anything about my self in the past few months, it's that I am a first-class avoider.

I may not be better than other people, but at least I'm different. -- Rousseau

#341097 - 09/29/10 06:56 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: LucianF]
Max10 Offline

Registered: 09/28/10
Posts: 69
Loc: Oregon
I'm another newbie to this forum and I too have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. I am different then most men and I don't like it. When I was a young boy my 1st experience with having my junk played with was the pediatrician checking my ballsack for my testicles as they had not dropped when they were supposed to. I recall they dropped when I was around 8 and because of this I'm sterile and do not produce any testosterone. Nobody said a thing when I didn't go thru puberty at the right age and I was ashamed of my ladylike body. Dirty old men seemed to tune into me when I was 10 or 11. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I knew I was unique. In my teen years I assumed I was gay because only men were attracted to me and I really didn't have much sexual urges of anykind. When I was 19 a friend bumped my breast while wrestling and it hurt. Went to a doctor to find out I had breast tissue and no testosterone, had a mastectomy and started on male hormone shots. I had a very hard time dealing with the feelings coursing through my veins and in my mind. (I still do 32 yrs later)I went to therapy for 3 years at UCLA....I don't remember much of it if any. Men continued to have their way with me, I was involved in porn films, made to do many things with fat old men.
In 1983 I moved to Oregon where nobody knew of my past. I wasn't aware of the fact that no matter where you go, there you are. Within a year I had my 1st marriage to a female and 6 months later divorced. Two years passed and got married to future ex-wife #2...though our love was deep we couldn't make it work partly due to my lack of fertile sperm and her desire to have kids and my desire to stay away from having kids! LOL
I have had a few other relationships with women but finally gave up within the last 10 years. Been single and solo since. Been trying to figure me out...I'm very attracted to men but don't have the courage to go further. Not interested in anything more than looking with women. I admire their beauty...'nice ass'...thoughts like that but that's all. I look at the ads on craigslist for m2m hoping I'll meet someone. What a joke.
I've decided it's time to turn off my sexual urges and so yesterday I informed my doctor that I won't be doing the testosterone shots anymore. I want my sexual urges to go away. I'm tired of wacking off looking at porn. I don't want to be bi, gay, or straight. I don't want sexual thoughts anymore. They haven't helped me in any way and if anything they have destroyed my life. I want to live my life simply and continue creating beautiful art and beautiful gardens. Not many men can turn of their hormones....I can and will.
My emotions are getting intense from writing this so i must stop. Wish I had someone to help me thru this time that could hold me while I cry but i don't have anyone I feel safe with at this time.

Have a wonderful matter what!

~ I am not a victim...I am a survivor! ~

#341098 - 09/29/10 07:14 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: EvanCan]
Dogs&Gods Offline

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
LucianF I too wonder about my percentage.

I have never really acted out with a man except for mst'ed in a steam room 6 years ago.

Anyhow my wife found I was looking at ads and had that same tuff talk.

I am in T and love her deeply but still have ssa. I am most likely 20% interested in exploring this side of my personality but I bury it. It is not worth lossing my wife and family.

It is a tough decision but I hope that it is one that I will grow more and more proud of as I get older.

Thanks for your posts.

Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

#341100 - 09/29/10 07:22 PM Re: My sexual identity problems - Possible Trigger [Re: LucianF]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my brothers.

Great topic. Well for me, it was always there just under the conscious level all my life, until August of 2008, when all hell broke loose on this CSA stuff.

I had absolutely no upbringing from some one to teach me those vital skills of emotions & social feelings.
I had for the most part nothing to do with girls/females until i was about 27 yrs old. With the exception for one, i never had any emotions for girls/females.
I got one pregnant & I married her, she gave me two sons. Here i am at 33 years old, and i am an instant husband/father. We brought up our boys together. I did the best that i knew how.

But, there was never any emotional connection between myself & my wife. But i had tons of emotions for my boys, always telling them that i love them. When they hurt, I did too. When they cried, i did too. When they came to me i helped them with their fears.
Now, i was married for 36 years (now separated). When all this stuff came out & i had a therapist he invited my wife to come with me. She & i went. I let her do all the talking. And did i get an ear full.
Long story short.. Pete was a great father to his boys & grandsons. He always told them that he loved them &gave them kisses. But, doctor, he almost never said those things to me. When i almost died from cancer, he showed no remorse for me. He never helped me in my pain, both physical & mentally.

I loved my perpetrator, for 55+ years. I was his between 8-14 years old. I was my "mom's" between 5-10 years old.

I was for the most part in a male dominated environment, from 10 years old onward to today.
My wife said something to me, after i told her about my CSA, she had kept telling me that we just can't keep living like this (me and my violent flashbacks), i agreed. Then she said this to me. "So, you want to leave me and go marry a man."
Well, i was taken aback on that. I had never gave her any indication that would have caused her remark.
But, now I finally realise that she had seen something in me for those 36 years, that i didn't.
I love males. I told her about a homosexual affair that i had at 18 years old. I liked it. Just as much as i loved those forbidden pleasures that Ralph had given me. And how much i enjoyed more homosexual affairs within the last 2 years.

I, was never meant to have been married in the first place. I never had any emotional connections towards a female, with the possible exception for about 5 that i have met in my life.

It took me 69 1/2 years to find my true sexuality. Gay..That's where my emotions and my sexuality come together in my heart & soul. I love men. I didn't know me until now.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As He is Me.

To, my brothers here still struggling with their sexuality, i offer you my compassion, understanding & love. For you, in your struggle.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

Pete.. Irishmoose.

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#341149 - 09/30/10 10:43 AM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: EvanCan]
stefalc1 Offline

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
that makes a lot of sense Evan. think that will help some of us work stuff out.

#341384 - 10/04/10 04:53 AM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: stefalc1]
cpt. confusion Offline

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
timing on you all sharing what you have in this thread could not be more apt for me- today was one of the worst days in my life. Lucian, i thought you were writing my story for me. I too have had many years of dealing with sexual confusion-frustration, and also acted on it against my marital commitment. well, she found out about it today by finding a couple texts that werent deleted from my phone, and our roller coaster ride of a relationship is plummeting. oddly enough I was already planning to start back up in therapy this week, and boy is the timing of that perfect.

I too found another man that I could talk to, and experiment with-without intentions of it ever going anywhere- and a few months into it I began to realize I enjoyed it more than I anticipated. I havent been in therapy for about 3 years, and because of this affair I knew it was time to get back and figure out what the hell was goin on. I figured I would have to tell my wife at some point, but didnt want it to be like this... she hasnt left me (yet) and is struggling to cope and work through this with me as she's agreed to take this day by day... I just dont know where its going to lead, and have been open with her about that.

I've always thought that my SSA was purely physical-an extension of my abuse and its always been like a compulsion... my experience with this other guy however has really put my sexuality in question, as for the first time in my life I got a glimpse at what things could be like beyond the physical/sexual side of being with another man. I'm scared because of it-but at the same time i see it as an opportunity to truly examine my life, my choices, where I've been and the path I need to be on-and use that reflection as a steering point to guide the rest of my life.

sorry for the length, i didnt intend to hijack your thread, but in the end, noone here is alone-and its hard for me to understand how something like sexual abuse can spur so many commonalities in the paths that we all lead... I've been absent form here for so long, yet one hour back on this site and I'm left to wonder why i've been away so long... thanks for sharing. and for reading.


"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
-Carlos Castaneda

*WoR Alum
Sequoia I-March '11
Alta II, September '11

#341479 - 10/05/10 05:19 PM Re: My sexual identity problems [Re: cpt. confusion]
Shaun The Sheep Offline

Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
You can see the common components of every story - seems like the SSA begins and ends with this idea of intimacy through sex and CSA survivors have a warped idea of what constitutes intimacy. The need is there, is very real to us and we're trying to fill that need. Sadly, there's no healthy way to do so and so it's back to understanding what's going on from an emotional perspective and filling that need.

Irritating because it feels so real, and yet it doesn't work for us.

I appreciate the bravery you showed to share with us, CC - thanks for doing that.

Hopefully, you're on track with the therapist and that you're also working things out with your wife.

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