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#337585 - 08/04/10 02:20 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: fhorns
I've never had thoughts about this, haven't fantasized either, but a lot was said that (embarrassingly) made sense to me. I'm here because I had a very short row with my wife last night, and I posted it in the "Survivors of Female Abuse" forum. I got a response from Irishmoose where he heard from his wife something mine had said too: "go marry a man then". I've been fearful of this forum because I feared I would be gay (or wonder "if") if I ever entered.

I just read your other post and responded to it. I did discuss this idea of validation. And no I don't think wives can do it. To me, guys can't do it either. Maybe it's because I'm a musician. I get "validated" when the music comes out OK. But I think that's how life is.
Originally Posted By: fhorns

I'm writing also because something Wounded said resonated with me: "It is like I want to put myself in places where I may be abused (validated) again." My post last night was a declaration that I needed to be VALIDATED as a man, like a man, by a man.

You never got validated as a boy. Neither did I. Neither did most of us. Maybe that's what I'm doing now. I'm responding to your thoughts and your emotions and in doing so I'm validating them.
Originally Posted By: fhorns

Could I be getting my old abuse messages confused with my needs for male validation? Or am I (maybe) seeking what "normal" validation was to me, which was in a abusive relationship? This is a little scary to me, but I've got to ask this.

YES YES YES That is what you are doing. You said it. Write this out and put it up on your mirror or somewhere where you can see it every morning.
Originally Posted By: fhorns

I don't think I'm alone. I hope I'm not. I'll take any suggestions regarding re-posting this elsewhere (or not). But this subject, actually talking about it, is FREEING. Shame has had its hold on me for too long. This is liberating.

No you're definitely not alone. There are lots of us here who are in the same boat.

Yes get all the old dirty laundry out and we'll wash it and hang it out to dry.

Sorry if this was abrasive.



#337741 - 08/06/10 02:59 AM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: 02151964]
Giacomo Offline

Registered: 04/18/10
Posts: 4
I have appreciated the total candor and honesty in this train of thought. I too "hate" the same sex attraction, and have addressed it in therapy for a long time. It really came to the forefront only 3 months ago when the childhood sexual abuse became apparent through flashbacks. It's been 3 difficult months, but the CSA has opened the proverbial Pandora's Box for me. The same sex attraction has eased a bit. Before the flashbacks, with years of therapy, I had really come to term myself bisexual. I knew that some of the attraction came from childhood (weak father, domineering mother, etc.). But it was the abuse that really was the crystalzing moment. The time of life was horrible, as related to the other events going on in family at that time. Sadly, I have come to realize that a lot of my behavoir was taught to me. Rather some of the ways I react to triggers, are mimicking the ways that the FAMILY MEMBERS reacted to the abuse. I looked and learned. So, yes, a lot of my confusion and programmed attractions are related to shame and reactions that were there all those many, many years ago. Sorry if this is rambling, but felt that it would help to ventilate a bit. My point, initially, was to say THANKS to all who have posted on this topic. Of late, life has been HARD, even DAMNED HARD, because with thearphy of late I have been digging deeper into my past than ever before in my life. I am on meds now given by psychiatrist to help me cope (effexor). It works fairly well, but of late the emotionaly intensity of unpacking the past has hurt a lot. But, I find somewhat bitter sweet as well, buecause while hurting, it is also liberating. It has exhausted me so much of late that I have to sleep more, and find more recreation. I have made several steps forward, with great joy over the past several months. I am now realizing that sometimes the journey is filled with a few steps back as well. Thanks for letting me ventilate. Thanks for this topic of discussion.

#337757 - 08/06/10 01:02 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: Giacomo]
Justafarmer Offline

Registered: 08/03/10
Posts: 27
Loc: CO
Yep, I too hate the same sex attraction part of my life. After a lot of thinking I have come to realize the very first sexual experience is imprinted on the inner soul of our being.

Ssa is like a tatoo that can never be erased. A tatoo hidden under the shirt is unseen, but it is real none the less. It can fade and not be the strong presence in our lives that it once was, but at this point in my life I am not sure it will ever fade completely.

DO any of you other guys try to or have fantasies of recreating the the abuse over and over; in action or in masturbation fantasies? Or being the one in control? I have realize I am trying to recreate the past to hide the pain of the past.

#337759 - 08/06/10 01:19 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: Justafarmer]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

Originally Posted By: justafarmer

DO any of you other guys try to or have fantasies of recreating the the abuse over and over; in action or in masturbation fantasies? Or being the one in control? I have realize I am trying to recreate the past to hide the pain of the past.

This is one of the most common things we have all experienced post-abuse in the many discussions I've had with other male survivors. I think it does take great control to not go there either intentionally or in the form of unwanted intruding thoughts. There is a therapy trick I heard about some years ago which does seem to help with lots of time and sticktoitiveness. One develops a simple blocking device like a stop sign or simply no or one that has a few more words but really has helped me with various things is "I don't have to do that" and simply put it right in the front most part of your mind when the thoughts intrude or suddenly flash in there.

There are so many reasons why the mind goes to something we hate when it has to do with abuse and it coming up in the moments you describe. Another survivor and I hit upon the realization that for complex reasons we both had retained the perp lies in our heads that finally after abusive, neglectful families, our abusers were the ones who really cared for us, showed us love and would protect us from harm. Not quite right as it turns out, but in distressed times it seems we both would go there in our ms fantasies for reasons which now seem obvious while we thought we were sick for going to that place.

This is difficult shit man! Good luck and all the best.

the family
the perp

#337768 - 08/06/10 04:38 PM Re: hate being attracted to guys when I know I am not [Re: sono]
Justafarmer Offline

Registered: 08/03/10
Posts: 27
Loc: CO
Thanks, sono,

I know all the information from what I have read, talking to others, and what I know is the truth. BUT, i have to hear and need to hear it from another man. Thank you.

I like the idea of the stop sign. I can relate to that. Though I live in the country and run a lot of stop signs as there is no traffic for miles around. May have to re-orientate the thinking for that to work.

You are right this is difficult shit. Thanks


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