I'm pretty sure I have Purely Obsessional OCD, because I think... a lot. I have an obsession with thinking, studying, and trying to come up with definitive answers, or reasons for absolutely everything, including my own happiness. I find the idea of not knowing or understanding extremely disturbing. My degree of self annalysis and the resulting self doubt has crippled me. It's led me to question my own sense of reality, and the realness of my thoughts and emotions. This was the cause of my four month episode of depersonalization.
My question is, is this technique pure o, or is it something else?
When I say obsess over thoughts, I mean spending days reading and studying one thing, in the hope of figuring everything out...everything, as in Life, the Universe and Everything kind of everything. I brood and ruminate until I'm exhausted. I ruminate and brood over my mental health, but for decades I've completely missed the mark, because no answer was definitive enough.
I suppose I'm asking if this could be a definitive answer. I felt utterly humbled and defeated when I read about pure o, and I knew, I just knew, that I had this very broad and general form of it. I could feel it in my bones. So forget I asked, because the doubting stops here. I have pure o. It's awfully humbling and somewhat embarrassing to have to admit, but thatís it.
I haven't been diagnosed for this by a psychologist, but I've been crippled by thoughts of a desolate future, of having hurt or of possibly hurting people or doing something socially awkward in public for a long time. It's made everyday of my life awkward, uncomfortable, and tiring and has, on occasion, led me to a state of total hopelessness.
So I am going to stop obsessing. I'm going to stop obsessing over my unpaid bills, because I'm overwhelming myself to the point where I don't deal with it. I'm going to stop obsessing about the future, because I can't do anything about the future, I can only deal with the present. I'm going to stop worrying about getting a job, because once I start to figure my issues out, I'll find an amazing job, one I'll actually enjoy, and I will eventually have my own business. But that's the future, this is now. I'll move on to the next step when I am ready, and not a moment sooner. I refuse to rushed through this. I don't know if I can stop trying to figure out why we are here, or if I want to. But at least now, maybe I can learn to take a break, and go easy on myself when ever I figure out that I don't have all the answers.
Itís humbling, but also a relief. I feel like I can start to relax, and let things go now. I donít have to understand everything.
Just out of curiosity, has anybody else had experience with this?