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#337100 - 07/28/10 03:35 PM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
My father was like this. Everything was balck and white there were no shades of gray in anything. I often felt it as my fault he was like this. "if only I could just act right or make him proud" but that never worked. It never worked because that was never why he treated me that way. It had nothing to do with me at all, anyone present in my place would have been treated the same.

As I have aged I came to realize that he was just a man like me and like me he had weaknesses. I came to realize he was insecure as i opvercame the traits I adopted from him not knowing they were negative I learned he was not the man he wanted me to think he was.
The fact is my dad was a weak, insecure, probably psychopathic in behavior if not actually, and just plain very messed up who had created this self image which required the world around him to be static. Once that static is broken he found he couldn't make this construction fit. So any possibility of this was immediatly reacted to with fear based anger and accusations about me or whomever being defective and less than to keep the false image going for himself. If it's someone else's fault then nothing changed in him. All of this is an unconscious process, learned intuitively as they grew not consciously as you might think.

You are not defective. The feelings you describe are the after effect of the abuse not the reality of who you are and what you are.

You are worthy and far from pathetic.

Edited by kidneythis (07/28/10 03:37 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#337101 - 07/28/10 03:36 PM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
Mulligan Offline

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
I think the reason we love you so much is the fact that you can articulate with words so nicely how we all feel. But please Zak, quit lying to yourself. You are not pathetic, none of this is your fault, and someday you will see that your dad is a jerk and that you don't need him. You can't change him either. Oh by the way, my therapist warned me about confrontations and about being prepared for this type of response(his denial and not taking responsibility in his role in your abuse). So it doesn't sound to out of the ordinary. Maybe he will come around Zak!
Your loving brother,

Because I never give up the fight!

#337104 - 07/28/10 04:08 PM Re: i should have listened [Re: Zak]
LW1527 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Eventually you will have enough self worth to pull away from toxic realtionships and wanting his approval. I know this 60 y/o man whose dad died last week. After the funeral, the guy stood at his dad's grave and said, "Now I don't have to work for your approval any more." And a great weight was lifted from this man. Don't wait until you're 60. Be healthy. Keep away from toxic people.

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