My father was like this. Everything was balck and white there were no shades of gray in anything. I often felt it as my fault he was like this. "if only I could just act right or make him proud" but that never worked. It never worked because that was never why he treated me that way. It had nothing to do with me at all, anyone present in my place would have been treated the same.
As I have aged I came to realize that he was just a man like me and like me he had weaknesses. I came to realize he was insecure as i opvercame the traits I adopted from him not knowing they were negative I learned he was not the man he wanted me to think he was.
The fact is my dad was a weak, insecure, probably psychopathic in behavior if not actually, and just plain very messed up who had created this self image which required the world around him to be static. Once that static is broken he found he couldn't make this construction fit. So any possibility of this was immediatly reacted to with fear based anger and accusations about me or whomever being defective and less than to keep the false image going for himself. If it's someone else's fault then nothing changed in him. All of this is an unconscious process, learned intuitively as they grew not consciously as you might think.
You are not defective. The feelings you describe are the after effect of the abuse not the reality of who you are and what you are.
You are worthy and far from pathetic.
Edited by kidneythis (07/28/10 11:37 AM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.