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#336183 - 07/16/10 09:07 PM .
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57

#336187 - 07/16/10 11:21 PM Re: have to say [Re: Zak]
TheBobcatAgain Offline

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 524
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
My buddy Zak,

It doesn't sound lame at all. In fact, it's inspiring to those survivors who still feel dead inside. You are showing them that things can change, and that they can feel better. I'm really happy for you and proud that you felt comfortable enough to post this. I think that's a good sign of progress, my good friend. smile

I understand that you can't change overnight, but I'm sure glad that you are going to try to be less self-destructive. You have value here, partly because we see in your life the hopeless despair that we have felt, and we hate to see anyone suffer the way we did. We will stand by you 100% as you build your self-esteem and confidence in yourself. We will help you, buddy - not just because you are a good man and deserve help and friends, but because someday you will help someone just as we have helped you, just as someone helped us once.


Your buddy,


#336188 - 07/17/10 01:12 AM Re: have to say [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my brother,

No, nothing wrong with your feelings.
You are progressing, one little step at a time.

There is, no magic elixir, that we can drink, no magic pills.
We have to rebuild our very soul, mind & body. Alcohol was my self destructive, behavior.

But, my brother, Zak, like you have noted, you feel good being here.
We will help in your fears & we will feel your tears.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunlight, forever into eternity."

My, fraternal brother, ZAK, heal well. Heal well.


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#336226 - 07/17/10 09:17 PM Re: have to say [Re: petercorbett]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986

I'm really glad you shared this. I too have destructive habits that I need to look at and challenge. I make progress, then sometimes I slip. But mostly I see that I have been doing these things for a long time as a means to cope or disconnect. Changes doesn't happen overnight, but it can happen. Thanks for the reminder.


#336307 - 07/19/10 01:26 AM Re: have to say [Re: Zak]
caesar14 Offline

Registered: 04/13/10
Posts: 70
Loc: Patterson, North Carolina

I was new here a few months ago and felt the same way you do now. You aren't sounding lame at all to me, or anyone else here. When I first signed up and read some posts, I realized I was NOT alone for the first time in my life. stay with us and let us help you find the end of your rainbow. Best wishes in your recovery.

Your new Brother,

"The innocence you spoiled has found a way to live"
Things I have to say (triggers)

#336330 - 07/19/10 11:16 AM Re: have to say [Re: Zak]
happybuddha1 Offline

Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 86
Loc: Michigan
Hey Zak.....I think that we have all done things to disconnect and get out of our pain. You are not alone. I still do stupid, dangerous sucks, but gets better with work. Once we realize that the self-destructive things don't work and get fed up, some healing can begin.

Hang in there....people on here, myself included, really do care.

A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

#336331 - 07/19/10 11:40 AM Re: have to say [Re: happybuddha1]
J1 Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 138
Loc: Missouri

When I first ventured into this site, it was too painful for me to post or participate for a few months. Eventually some force brought me back and it was a gradual process to observe, read and eventually post some things. About a year later some unique blend of place, sounds, words and smells, at a public venue, thrust me into a total meltdown…something I had never been faced with. With a best friend at my side and a very astute Therapist/MD., I got through that night…

Many of us get to that crunch point…and reflecting back to my situation, just getting through the night was a major challenge. By the next morning my Doc, prescribed some anti-anxiety medication and my journey from victim, to survivor, to warrior and now purely being, began. The hurdles will be there, but you are destined to jump over them…the jolting thoughts of why, how and now what, will dance around our minds…

Like your hard drive, hitting the delete button will only make certain data drop away…it will still be on that hard drive, even in fragments or in disarray. Blend whats in your mind and past, into a pillar of strength and power. grasp small things that you can totally manage and control…like cooking…for yourself…no one else needs to tell you to follow a recipe is your choice in so many ways. If you need to vent or scream or ask why or what..the crew in here will always have some experience with anything that might be on your mind.


#336332 - 07/19/10 12:12 PM Re: have to say [Re: J1]
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
thx everyone for the nice words and encouragement
felt good about this on friday but as usual the
weekend was too much.
too much drinnking & drugging
too much anonymous empty sex
too many lies, too much fear over shit i shouldnt
be afraid of.
i dunno, i can talk i guess but can't act, feel stuck.
saw my mother on sunday, took her to lunch and too the
beach, had a nice time being fake, being nervous as hell
she'd bring up something about her husband, pretending like
im having a great life, scared she'd see thru me.
so me and her got drunk and she started talking about her
retirement, how they hardly ever fight anymore, how he
hardly ever hits her anymore, all the struggles they had to make it, blah blah fucking blah.
i didnt say a word.
i wanted to grab her and yell at her
for not being there, but i didnt say a word in fact i agreed
with her, yea he's a nice guy.
im so digusted with myself
if nothing was my fault then why do i hate myself so much?
right before it started they said the next three days are
gonna change ur life forever. like it was a joke.
it wasnt a joke, it changed me
i dunno what im trying to say
and sorry again. i been told im not supposed to compare but
i dont feel like im worth anything, not worth time or
attention from anyone, my problems are stupid and small and
i should just be thankful that im alive, have a job.
dunno just really really really at my wits end
i wish i could vent scream and get it all out of me but i
cant find the strength to even get mad

#336333 - 07/19/10 12:23 PM Re: have to say [Re: Zak]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas

you are NOT stupid!
you are NOT small!

you are WORTH the time!
you are WORTH the attention!

you've been doing great so far... taking one step at a time... you have so many friends here, brothers here, who understand and support you! don't believe the lies that you aren't worth it! you are worth it! you're my fellow brother in survival. i still got your hand and i'm NOT letting go....

you can do it! we're all proud of you here! keep taking those steps like you've been doing... you're going to make it, zak!


live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#336335 - 07/19/10 12:53 PM Re: have to say [Re: Obi]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758

The power of your love for your mom vs working on your issues is a huge conflict.

I hope you can work through it and become "unstuck".

"Hardly ever hits her anymore" Yikes

Were here for you. YOU Zak are worth it. Plenty worth our time.




#336344 - 07/19/10 03:59 PM Re: have to say [Re: Zak]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Zak my brother,

It hurts to read about your weekend:

Probably because I spent a LOT of years drinking, pursuing anonymous empty sex, and in vain attempts trying to connect with my family of origin who were unable to provide me with what I really needed.

All that behavior made my problems WORSE and just re-activated the abuse for me: I would end up feeling fake, lost, hopeless, disgusting, un-lovable, broken, un-fixable and wanting to die.

I eventually had to get help for my drinking and sexual-acting out. Reaching out for help and learning to trust and work with others who suffer from the same insane urges has been a LIFESAVER for me.

Stopping the false, harmful ways I unleased my grief and emotions has stopped a lot of the ongoing damage in my life. Today, this allows me to be free from guilt and shame, and to rebuild my life-one decision at a time. I even know how to feel my emotions, be intimate with men and the love of my life, and have a healthy sexuality.

It hasn't been easy, but I NEVER want to go back to the compulsive escaping that always boomeranged back to weaken and destroy me.

There is hope-but it involves choosing to get help and continuing to seek out that help, all the while staying away from the damaging behavior of the past.

I wish you success in every possible way-you DO have hope, Zak.

Edited by Mountainous Buck (07/19/10 04:00 PM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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