Hey Zak my brother,
It hurts to read about your weekend:
Probably because I spent a LOT of years drinking, pursuing anonymous empty sex, and in vain attempts trying to connect with my family of origin who were unable to provide me with what I really needed.
All that behavior made my problems WORSE and just re-activated the abuse for me: I would end up feeling fake, lost, hopeless, disgusting, un-lovable, broken, un-fixable and wanting to die.
I eventually had to get help for my drinking and sexual-acting out. Reaching out for help and learning to trust and work with others who suffer from the same insane urges has been a LIFESAVER for me.
Stopping the false, harmful ways I unleased my grief and emotions has stopped a lot of the ongoing damage in my life. Today, this allows me to be free from guilt and shame, and to rebuild my life-one decision at a time. I even know how to feel my emotions, be intimate with men and the love of my life, and have a healthy sexuality.
It hasn't been easy, but I NEVER want to go back to the compulsive escaping that always boomeranged back to weaken and destroy me.
There is hope-but it involves choosing to get help and continuing to seek out that help, all the while staying away from the damaging behavior of the past.
I wish you success in every possible way-you DO have hope, Zak.
Edited by Mountainous Buck (07/19/10 12:00 PM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.
�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner