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#336256 - 07/18/10 07:36 AM Re: And what about the perp ? [Re: Mulligan]
givemestrength Offline

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 29

I'm sorry that you are experiencing and having to ask these questions but I'm glad you're here asking them because it shows you are trying to be helpful and understand your (their situation).

As for your consensual/ homosexual comment you may not realise (or perhaps do now) that this statement is actually quite offensive to the male survivors here. However, I think that by asking it and receiving appropriate and informed responses such as walkingsouth's and sono's it's a really good way to start to gain some understanding.

As for your personal experience with the perpetrator and the state of disbelief you find yourself in...that's exactly how he wants you to see him. He is a master in manipulation and the macho "nice guy" facade that he projects is one of the tactics he's used to allow him to get away with what he has for so long (this along with the other perpetrator tactics which others are much more qualified to describe).

I encourage you to take the time to learn more about the effects of csa and the tactics of perpetrators. Know this now-- the truth can be much more painful/shocking/confronting than what we'd like to believe. But it's much better (in my opinion) than remaining ignorant and burying our heads in the sand.

#336258 - 07/18/10 08:52 AM Re: And what about the perp ? [Re: Mulligan]
Gongas Offline

Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 21
Loc: Europe
No, no, no, please don't apologize for being blunt. I do realise I don't know or understand the first thing about this.

You see, I am very glad younger BIL opened up to me with his story, because it made me understood tons of things about him I had never understood. But now there is this huge loose end of someone whom we have always loved and thought the world of, who is my husband's business partner, the godfather of my own children, with their very same blood flowing through his veins, someone who, for better or for words will always be such a huge chunk of our lives. And now I am being told this person is the most despicable creature and I am not sure how to handle this.

I guess I need to have a scrap of hope that he may have changed somewhere along the way, since, after all, he and younger BIL now seem to be quite close (at least the animosity is gone ...).

By the way, sorry about my ignorance, but what do you mean by sexual predator?
You know, this is exactly the word younger BIL used when referring to older BIL ...
I never undesrtood what he meant.

#336259 - 07/18/10 08:54 AM Re: And what about the perp ? [Re: Gongas]
Gongas Offline

Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 21
Loc: Europe
Sorry, this reply was for Mulligan

#336264 - 07/18/10 11:48 AM Re: And what about the perp ? [Re: Gongas]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
This is not going to be easy reading Gongas. I don't want to alrm you unnecessarily but basedon what you have told us this seems warranted to me. I apologize in advance if it hurts too much.

I think you are engaging in false thinking with "the same blood flowing through their veins" as if that had anything to do with the subject. Heredity etc. have nothing to do with the issue, he is a psychopath that is not hereditary. If psychopathy seems to be a familial trait in any family, you will find that it was transmitted culturally, not biologically.

Since you bring them up how safe are your children from this man? How often and for how long does he have them alone away from other adults? Remember you won't see it in him but there are signs to look for in your children.
Here is a link to a National Institute of Health webpage about child abuse;

This sort of long term abuse doesn't just stop when one victim gets away, like experimenting might if that is what it was which you have made clear it isn't, when proper oportunities come along. He has other victims and he is probably lining up new ones all the time.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#336269 - 07/18/10 01:33 PM Re: And what about the perp ? [Re: kidneythis]
Anomalous Offline

Greeter Coordinator

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1857
Hi Gongas,

You asked what is meant by the term "sexual predator."

The definition of predator is:

1. An organism that lives by preying on other organisms.
2. One that victimizes, plunders, or destroys, especially for one's own gain.

A sexual predator uses sexual activity, exploitation and manipulation as their form of predation.

I was going to use lions hunting wildebeast as an example of predation, but lions don't exploit their prey. They don't continue to torment their victims. Lions prey upon wildebeast to eat and survive. Sexual predators frequently torment their victims, sometimes for many years, and they do NOT need to engage in these activities to sustain life.

Sexual predators engage in their behaviors because they have no regard for anyone other than themselves. Those they abuse are frequently not given any more consideration than any other disposable object.

Some may profess to "love" those they have abused. Personally, I think what they "loved" is the satisfaction of their wants and needs, and they don't give a damn about the person (or people) they abused. If they really did "love" them, they would never have harmed them.

Sexual abuse has nothing to do with love or homosexuality. It is about power. It is about fulfilling one's needs to the exclusion of consideration of anyone else. Most child sexual abusers self identify as having a heterosexual preference, regardless of whether their victims were male or female. It isn't the gender of the victim(s) that attracts them (for the most part) but the person's physical development (or the lack thereof), the access they have to that person and the ease with which they can not only manipulate that person but whether or not they will be able to manipulate them into silence so their sick behaviors can continue, either with that person, or others.

Some myths regarding sexual abuse, particularly that of males can be found here:

Here is a page on Prevention and Education:

From the homepage you will also find a link to the bookstore.

I am glad you are here asking questions. Only by being informed can you help others, including yourself. Some of what you may read may alarm you. Some of it may horrify you. Much of it will tear at your heart. Empathize with us, but do not pity us. We are survivors. We have survived horrific events to which no human should ever be exposed. Rejoice in our strength and in our spirit. We are the Phoenixes that will once again rise above the ashes.


Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#336271 - 07/18/10 01:57 PM Re: And what about the perp ? [Re: kidneythis]
Gongas Offline

Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 21
Loc: Europe
Kidneythis, both my children are adults now. They used to be A LOT with older brother in law, whom they positively loved (and still love).
When younger BIL told me this I went straight to my therapist and asked her if there was any way older BIL could have abused my children too.
She made me a few questions about the boys and then seemed to rule out the possibility; still, she said I could very gently try to gauge if that was a topic that bothered them. quite honestly my boys are the most level headed, stable, happy, laid back boys I know, and I see absolutely NOTHING in their everyday reactions and relation with their uncle that could make me even suspect that anything could have gone on at any time in the past.
Incidentally though, my younger BIL did tell me that for some time after BIL married, he (younger BIL) was alert and watched him around nephews and nieces and was ready to report him should he think that older BIL was abusing a child again.
I guess if he never reported his brother it must mean that older brother never abused anyone again; at least not that younger BIL would know ...

thank you for your input and for the link


#336300 - 07/18/10 07:58 PM Re: And what about the perp ? [Re: Gongas]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Sorry to be so negative but; No it doesn't mean he didn't abuse anyone again, it only means your BIL did not report him. We'll go ahead and assume that's because he didn't catch him.

I'm happy for your children being safe and well and I hope they go on to fulfill all their dreams.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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