i dont know if i should post this here or not, it's not really a story but i can't talk much about my feelings without giving some back ground i guess.
and i'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me bitch about my father, especially when i know i should be focusing on other things, but i can't help it, i blame him for everything that happened, should i be blaming him? i don't know. i'm obsessed with blaming him and i spend too much time and energy hating him and at the same time i want him to accept me into his life, i know, blah blah blah, keep saying the same things and going no where.
ok. if he didn't leave me and my mother the shit with the stepfather would have never happened, i wouldnt have been so desperate for a father and i wouldn't have bought into his lies when he said this was what all new daddys did with their new sons. what a load of crap, i can't believe i believed him, he said it would make us become REAL dad and son, but what does a seven year old know, not much i guess, and by the time i did figure out it was wrong it was too late. but i blame my father those seven years of nightmares, blackouts, panic attacks, headaches, nosebleeds, no friends, bedwetting, constant fear, not fitting in anywhere, stomache aches, physical pain, thoughts of suicide. ugh, i have to be crazy for putting this here. i also blame my father for, how do i say this without saying it, i can't say the words here, he pretty much decided for me what college i'd go too, what degree program i'd take, i had no choice, i HAD to get out of that house and he offered to pay for my school if i went where he said, so i did. freshman year i got a dorm but had to share with a senior because they didn't have the space, this guy had it out for me from day one and i have no idea why. maybe if I was an asshole jock doing beer funnels everynight he would have liked me better, but that wasnt me, i was creative/quiet. so the friday before the semester ended for the summer i guess him and a couple of his asshole jock friends decided it would be fun for them to have their way with me, i never saw it coming and i should have, i was set to shower change and head out with some friends, walked into my dorm room and that was it, they attacked me and kept me there all weekend doing shit i wont EVER ever ever talk about. they left on monday and the janitor found me. i dont think they intended on killing me but they almost did. so the reason why i'm even bringing this up, believe me i never want to talk about this with anyone, but it was my fathers reaction after the fact. they had to call him since he was paying my tuition and was listed as the emergency contact. as far as he knew i was jumped, beat up and robbed, i never gave him any other info., i refused the hospital to report anything or test for anything, i refused to file a police report, i said i didnt know the guys, but i did, i am stupid I know.
he came to the hospital to see me, barges in the room and starts scraming at me, "how fucking stupid can you be to let this happen, ive never known such an idiot in all my life, you deserved this for not paying attention, can't believe i have such a pussy for a son, did you just hand them your money and ask for a beating?!?!" my mother shows up and he starts in on her "can't believe i let you raise him, if you werent such a stupid whore" and he went on and on. he literally shook me by the shoulders and screamed in my face, to the point where i cried in front of him which just angered him even more, "oh so now you're crying like a pussy, i bet you cried when you handed over your money too" and he yelled and yelled and the nurse had to call hospital security to have him physically removed. is it wrong that i blame him for this? should i have been paying more attention? maybe he was right, maybe i was stupid for letting it happen, i don't remember alot of it but i remember i didnt fight back, should i have? could I have? i don't know and don't even wanna think about it. i have nightmares of my father walking in the room and screaming at me. he didnt care how bad i was hurt, he only cared that i was not man enough to protect myself. ok, i'm really ashamed of this, writing this here, but someone told me i wont get better if i dont work at it and if i keep going the way im going im not gonna last very long.
so. im hitting submit.