First of all, it was good meeting you in chat the other day. I meant what I said about there being a lot of great people here who are dedicated to helping you heal.
I understand what you meant about not wanting to ask yourself the question. It can be really hard to ask that first question. It's like opening a door to a room that you are afraid to walk into. I spent 25 years with my door on the handle before I started the process. For me, once I asked that first question, when I opened the door, I realized that my abuse wouldn't have that power over me anymore.
There are a lot things that we hate like you hate blue. There are certain colors, smells, sounds, etc. They remind us of what happened. For me, it's a song that my abuser sang. Every time I here it, I usually change the station or skip the song. Realize that you aren't alone in that.
I'm glad that you had the birds talking and singing to you. I'm glad that they brought you comfort. And now you have found a new group of "birds". We are here for you whenever you need us. We won't abandon you or tell you that we don't want to be with you anymore. We are here for you to listen and remind you that are not alone.
You've taken some strong and important steps by joining MS, Berzerk. Keep taking them. And know that we are walking with you.
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson