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#335791 - 07/11/10 06:24 PM why
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
Why, why, why do I do this to myself! I try so hard to be a part of my bio dads family and its so obvious he wants nothing to do with me. I go over and try to help out and all he does is make me feel like shit. No matter what I say or do there's something wrong with it. He thinks its ok to push me around, insult me, bully me and just be generally mean. I try to help his wife with the food and I'm a pussy doing woman's work. I clean his pool and I don't do a good enough job. I show up with beers and its not the kind he likes. I bring lobsters for his bbq and he complains there too small and I paid too much and on and on. I just can't Fuckin win with him. I try so hard to be a good guy and he hates the person I am. What does he want from me? Why do I care? He doesn't know anything about the hell I been thru and worse if he did he wouldn't care and he would blame it all on me. Omg I'm so fuckin torn up and fed up with this! It shouldn't matter to me but it does. This is the kind of shit that makes me want to just get wasted and do stupid shit to make myself forget everything.

#335792 - 07/11/10 07:20 PM Re: why [Re: Zak]
nomansanisland Offline

Registered: 02/03/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
zak...i know how you feel... you dont need validation from him... you always have heavenly father... always... take care bud...patrick

" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

#335793 - 07/11/10 07:29 PM Re: why [Re: Zak]
TheBobcatAgain Offline

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 524
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Zak, my friend,

Your father is the one who should feel like shit, not you. He's clearly never heard the phrase, "It's the thought that counts." He's being overly critical of you, and harsh as well. I don't know why he does that, but I assure you, it's NOT your fault.

You probably feel that it IS your fault, but please listen to me, buddy. There are ways to ENCOURAGE others to do a better job. Being harshly critical doesn't really help anyone; in fact, just the opposite - you're more likely to make more mistakes around someone who is being critical of you! Which STILL doesn't make it your fault!!!

Forgive me for this, buddy, but I feel he is bullying you. Bullying is a form of emotional abuse. And it's starting to be seen as a crime. No one has the right to belittle you or make you feel ashamed of who you are, my friend. NO ONE.

This experiment is one of my staples - if you feel you deserve what he says to you, then would you feel the same way if he were bullying someone else who was trying to please him? Would you bully your son the way he bullies you? If you feel it wouldn't be right for him to do that to someone else, then it's not right that he does it to you.

You are internalizing his criticisms; you are believing his insults. DON'T BELIEVE HIM. You are a GOOD guy, Zak. I know this, not only from reading your posts, but also from what others have said about you in your replies. You are NOT a pussy or a fuck-up or anything like that. If your dad thinks so, then clearly he doesn't know you at all. Don't believe him, buddy. Believe us, okay?

I know it hurts not to be close with your father - trust me, I understand. But it's not worth getting wasted and doing something risky or dangerous. If that is what it takes to be close to your father, then he's not worth it.

You've got choices, buddy. You can stay away from him for awhile; you can tell him that you don't like the way he treats you; you can deflect his insults - the next time he tells you that you did something wrong, you can say, "Oh well, it's the thought that counts," or "Oh well, I tried my best," or "Oh well, nobody's perfect."

In fact, the next time he wants you to do something, tell him you're going to do it your way. And if he says you're not doing it just right, then tell him he can do it himself. You're an adult, you have a busy life, and you've got better things to do with your time than whatever you're doing for him.

I hope this helps you see things a little differently, buddy. Please feel better soon.

By the way, buddy - if you'd like another friend, I'd sure like to be one. I think you're a nice guy. And I assure you that, if we become friends, you will be encouraged and never bullied. That's a promise. smile

Take good care of yourself, buddy. Hang in there. You're a good man, and you are cared about here.

Your friend soon, I hope,


#335794 - 07/11/10 09:04 PM Re: why [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey zak
Thanks for sharing-I think you try way to hard-I've learned that father is a verb-the word son is not. This means that my father was the one who should have been active doing things in our relationship and nurturing, parenting and fathering me. The truth is, he didn't, and I can't make up for that deep loss by trying hard to make our relationship work and especially by making him happy.

I wa jut reminded over July fourth how critical and condemning and judgmental my father was (he died three years ago)-I skipped two family reunions ibecause I didn't feel welcome and needed to avoid him. Amo

My heart hurts for you Zak-I hope you can find some good men in your life and llook to them to father and guide you since the men inyour youth failed you.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#335798 - 07/11/10 10:40 PM Re: why [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
Thanks guys this helps a lot I don't feel so alone with all this crap. Just hurts like hell but ur all right I don't owe him anything I guess. Don't know why I feel like I do .

#335800 - 07/11/10 11:12 PM Re: why [Re: Zak]
Barkabus Offline

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809

I agree with nomansanisland, bobcat and Buck. This is a crappy situation your father has chosen to put you in. He has chosen for whatever reason not to give you the respect, acceptance and love you deserve...and desperately want from him.

The healthiest thing for you may be to put some distance between you and your father. Your father has his own issues he must be willing to face. Until he does he will likely remain toxic to you.

I'm sorry things are this way between you and your father. This is a crappy deal all around.


My Story

#335801 - 07/12/10 12:40 AM Re: why [Re: Barkabus]
Dusty Boy Offline

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
I too had a critical impossible to please father, I was in my early 20's when I had had enough, he started on how not up to standard I was, I cut in and asked if he was proud of the job he did on bringing me up to be so useless. He replied “you're not entirely useless” I said “well you're never satisfied and I have done my best, do you think it is your genes that made me an idiot?” we were interrupted and the discussion ended.
The verbal put downs stopped for a while, and when they started again, I asked in front of the mother which one of them stuffed up in the making of me. If I am that much of a stuff up, I must have been born that way.
We never talked much after that.


#335810 - 07/12/10 02:08 AM Re: why [Re: Dusty Boy]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 146
Loc: Elmira, NY
I have to comment on this post. This is a VERY difficult subject for me. For all of you who either never had a good relationship with your father or never had one, I feel really bad for you. I can relate. My dad was an alcoholic and mean and very critical and insulting most of the time when I was growing up. On top of that, he was the world's most avid sports enthusiast. My two older brothers are, too. And then, there was me, a singer and a musician. Imagine that! And I fit into this equation how? I mean, my dad was mean to all of us, but I just could not ever relate to him.

I get along well with him now, but, I had so much hurt all of my life and I just don't really want him to touch me. So, I can relate to what all of you are saying and feeling. I hate myself for ever saying what I just said, but it is the truth.

Dusty, I just love what you said. How cool is that!

Zak, I don't know if you ever inadvertently emotionally adopted someone else as a father-figure or not, but, if you didn't, you should. It will make your life a little easier because you will have that person as the confidant that you need and deserve. You will definitely be able to move on with your life, but you might not ever be able to change the way that you feel about your dad. He sounds like he is a troubled individual and that is on him. You don't need to make his baggage your own.

I wish you, and all of you the best in your journeys in this life. With what we've been through, we don't need any and all of that, too.

God bless,

#335838 - 07/12/10 12:02 PM Re: why [Re: MusicMan]
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
adopt someone else as a father figure, two people said
that but thats not gonna happen. i already have two so
called fathers, niether one of them ever loved or even
liked me that much, well, one of them did but thats a
different story. two is enough, there's no way i'm ever
letting myself get that close to anyone again. can't have
anymore bad endings. and im sorry to you guys who can
relate to this, it sucks and its sad. guess I will have
to distance myself from him, again, and just deal with it.

#335900 - 07/13/10 08:44 AM Re: why [Re: Zak]
james 1959 Offline

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 287
Zak im here if you would like to talk i see we have been throught a simliar expierance with our parents perhaps we could help each other with this one.I understand how you feel.


Edited by james 1959 (07/13/10 08:45 AM)
We are brothers on a journey,and companions on the road
We are here to help each other share the burden and the Load


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