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#335745 - 07/10/10 03:21 PM Dealing with the destruction
overwhelmed Offline

Registered: 07/01/10
Posts: 3
I have crossed the line and now approaching 16 years of being together, my wife and I are so far apart. I do not beat her, have not been unfaithful, no drugs or alcohol but I just have not listened to her, verbally harrassed and lied to her, have not included her in my life and these caused me to cross the line. I long for a close relationship, not meaning only sexual, just close but I will go to my grave never to experience those special moments again. I have apologize so many times and asked for forgiveness but the response is silence. My wife is a kind and forgiving person and an extrodinary person. This is not said to be that I have the most perfect woman in the world, but simply it's a fact. My wife is still young enough, very pretty, healthy, likes to have fun (but not with me), that I often wish she could give me another chance. I believe that I am becoming the man whom she has always wantedand would treat her properly till the day I die. I have expressed to her years ago that my neighbor had hurt me and that I do have issues with being open and having a healthy relationship. I never sought help for it though. I would get to being close with her with my feelings and thoughts and then would back off. This cycle has continued from the day we met. I have struggled to get control of it on my own from the very beginning. She has tolerated so much! I understand but, yet I do not understand

#335769 - 07/11/10 02:54 AM Re: Dealing with the destruction [Re: overwhelmed]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Overwhelmed, sorry that you had the need to find this place, but I am glad that you did. When you are ready you can tell your story in the (survivors stories) forum on here.

About your wife, part of getting close is opening up and being venerable. You may want to let her know that what happened to you years ago has come back to haunt you. It is easier to work on it with the help of a therapist also. Also do not be surprised to find out that your wife also has problems. For some reason damaged people tend to pair up with other damaged people.

Again welcome to this place let your healing begin.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#335843 - 07/12/10 12:41 PM Re: Dealing with the destruction [Re: overwhelmed]
happybuddha1 Offline

Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 86
Loc: Michigan
Hey overwhelmed....I can certainly relate....what I need to do is open up to my wife, but am so afraid that she will close up and abandon me....being abandonded has been part of my past.

I guess the choice is to either open up or feel like shit and have a half-assed, lonely relationship the rest of my life.

This abuse has a huge are not alone here and I believe that there is life after....just sucks along the way....hang in there, buddy

A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

#335863 - 07/12/10 08:23 PM Re: Dealing with the destruction [Re: happybuddha1]
overwhelmed Offline

Registered: 07/01/10
Posts: 3
I never realized how much it affects the emotional openess of oneself. I always thought I was doing the right thing by supporting my family financially and protecting them as much from the outside world. I never came to me that I never fully emotionally bonded with my wife. At times I would get extremely close then only to pull back a month or so later. I has come to me since our seperation that I had issues that still linger from from my childhood. I found this site while trying to understand my actions and stumbled on the distorted thinking site where it talked about male survivors and what it does to ones life. I was astonished to find in my reading on distorted thinking that survivors have chaotic relationships where they get close to there spouse and then pull back. It was like having a wrecking ball slam your perseption of yourself and your life. I had been living this way and dragging my wife along the way through this shit. I am embarrassed of myself that I did not see it sooner.

#335872 - 07/12/10 10:54 PM Re: Dealing with the destruction [Re: overwhelmed]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
I realize I have the same issues with emotional intimacy. I can get close, then pull away. I live a pretty shut-out life in a lot of ways. I am trying to open up and make things better though. It really does have the effect of shutting one's self down. Not a good things, but I suppose in the awareness there is a chance to challenge what is going on.


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