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#335732 - 07/10/10 08:25 AM Question about pure O
BigV Offline

Registered: 07/20/09
Posts: 86
Loc: Western Canada
I'm pretty sure I have Purely Obsessional OCD, because I think... a lot. I have an obsession with thinking, studying, and trying to come up with definitive answers, or reasons for absolutely everything, including my own happiness. I find the idea of not knowing or understanding extremely disturbing. My degree of self annalysis and the resulting self doubt has crippled me. It's led me to question my own sense of reality, and the realness of my thoughts and emotions. This was the cause of my four month episode of depersonalization.

My question is, is this technique pure o, or is it something else?

When I say obsess over thoughts, I mean spending days reading and studying one thing, in the hope of figuring everything out...everything, as in Life, the Universe and Everything kind of everything. I brood and ruminate until I'm exhausted. I ruminate and brood over my mental health, but for decades I've completely missed the mark, because no answer was definitive enough.

I suppose I'm asking if this could be a definitive answer. I felt utterly humbled and defeated when I read about pure o, and I knew, I just knew, that I had this very broad and general form of it. I could feel it in my bones. So forget I asked, because the doubting stops here. I have pure o. It's awfully humbling and somewhat embarrassing to have to admit, but thatís it. smile

I haven't been diagnosed for this by a psychologist, but I've been crippled by thoughts of a desolate future, of having hurt or of possibly hurting people or doing something socially awkward in public for a long time. It's made everyday of my life awkward, uncomfortable, and tiring and has, on occasion, led me to a state of total hopelessness.

So I am going to stop obsessing. I'm going to stop obsessing over my unpaid bills, because I'm overwhelming myself to the point where I don't deal with it. I'm going to stop obsessing about the future, because I can't do anything about the future, I can only deal with the present. I'm going to stop worrying about getting a job, because once I start to figure my issues out, I'll find an amazing job, one I'll actually enjoy, and I will eventually have my own business. But that's the future, this is now. I'll move on to the next step when I am ready, and not a moment sooner. I refuse to rushed through this. I don't know if I can stop trying to figure out why we are here, or if I want to. But at least now, maybe I can learn to take a break, and go easy on myself when ever I figure out that I don't have all the answers.

Itís humbling, but also a relief. I feel like I can start to relax, and let things go now. I donít have to understand everything.

Just out of curiosity, has anybody else had experience with this?


#336206 - 07/17/10 08:18 AM Re: Question about pure O [Re: BigV]
lgdan84 Offline

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
I have, esp. with the self analysis and also to add, what people think of or see me as. I think of this pretty much every hour of every day. I cant even socialize or converse with someone because im analyzing myself. It's hard to focus on what they are saying or remembering what they had said. Feels like there are two conversations going on at once and having to try and pay attention to both. Life as i know it sucks and it's not at all enjoyable. I wish this suffering to go away but i dont know how to accomplish that.

#336208 - 07/17/10 09:19 AM Re: Question about pure O [Re: lgdan84]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Originally Posted By: BigV
Just out of curiosity, has anybody else had experience with this?


OH YEAH! I think most of us here can relate to this in varying degrees without a doubt. I don't know how much of the posts you read, but you'll find evidence all over the place even if we haven't all discussed this macro look at our issues. We tend to just talk obsessively about them and not so much the fact that we obsess about them, although I have done some of that myself.

In other words, it's kind of normal I think...not fun, but not unusual.


the family
the perp

#336213 - 07/17/10 12:49 PM Re: Question about pure O [Re: sono]
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
Embarrassed? Humbled? You gave good words to this BigV. My wife pointed out I obsess over something, and I will focus my time in reading books or online study about it. I do it,.....

but moreso when I'm not too far away from what you spoke of---depersonalization/dissociation. "I've got to find the answer!!!" EVERYTHING else is secondary. Because I could be AT PEACE if I find the answer!!

With a smile on my face right now, I say, BigV, you're definitely not alone. Thank you for posting this. It feels good to be aware (what a concept) Aaaaahhh. Posting this gave me some peace.



#337429 - 08/02/10 04:42 AM Re: Question about pure O [Re: fhorns]
BigV Offline

Registered: 07/20/09
Posts: 86
Loc: Western Canada
Well, I've been doing better now. I finally got on this idea that I had about doing freelance landscaping, and now I'm actually doing it. Something odd happened today that kind of triggered me. It turns out it was just some kid from a farm with a sick sense of humor and too much time on his hands. I'd rather not go into details, but I felt complelled to call the police, and when they got back to me they reassured me it was just a lame prank. The wierd thing was, is that I was the only person who noticed it. It was at a bus stop, and no one noticed. It's moments like that that I realize that as screwed as I think I am, it's my past life experiences, like trauma and such, that make me a black sheep, I can't afford to not be aware of things that just seem wrong. I've always been the one to point it out when there's an elephant in the room. I guess that's why I started questioning my own thoughts, feelings and experiences so much; in an attempt to stop me from pointing out the obvious, my parents and teachers convinced me it was just my imagination, or that I was crazy. But now I know I'm more sane than the average person, because I don't behave like a zomby.


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