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#33568 - 07/02/04 02:13 PM back into about 12 different closets
Blank Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/08/03
Posts: 10
Loc: San Francisco Bay Area
My parents are my perps and I'm in college, financially dependent on them. They live a ways away and come to visit once a year. This week is that once this year.

I just went through my apartment hiding all the recovery stuff, all the gay stuff, all the political stuff. Didn't have much of a choice. They can't be reasoned with. I just humor them.

They're like ATMs; you push the right buttons and money comes out. And you avoid incriminating behavior because you're being watched.

"No, mom. I don't have a girlfriend. Hey, look! Is that a car?"

"Nope, no particular reason why I shudder every time you lay your fucking hands on me."

My life is a kind of covert prostitution, and I am not entirely innocent.

After they leave, I am going to spend the subsequent ten days throwing up. While showering. Then, I'm going to get serious about putting together a local group for sexually traumatized males. If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area and want to help, send me a PM.


#33569 - 07/02/04 03:18 PM Re: back into about 12 different closets
survive75 Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi Blank. I'm sorry that this is the situation you find yourself in. Extracting yourself from toxic people that you are still dependent on is a very difficult thing to do. I know that I find it very easy to do, but my best friend and my ex-girlfriend both struggle with it. Despite my self-hatred, I still see myself as a reward to the toxic people in my life. As in, if you are going to be drunk and cruel to me, then I am not going to come around as much. If you are going to criticize me, I will remove myself from your presence. I can't control the things that my family says to me, but I can control if I am around them or not. My friend and my ex, however, never found it as easy to do. Both have said, as you said, that it is sometimes easier to humor them. And it is very easy to justify the money coming in as what they owe you.

You will have to search yourself for the answer. Is the money worth the trauma? Is surviving the visit a means to an end? There are many men here who have to remain in contact with their perps. It is never an easy decision either way - whether you choose to cut them loose or continue to allow them in your life. Wish I had a better reply for you.


"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

#33570 - 07/02/04 04:05 PM Re: back into about 12 different closets
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Maybe I was fortunate when I was in college because my parents never came to visit (I remember two times I think and one was at graduation). The other time was they were on a trip and had to drive through the place. It always hurt me at the time (and this was long before I had put the abuse together) that everyone else got to see their families but I didn't. Of course it made me feel more justified in being a misfit in society.

I do remember when my Dad came the one time and immediately started searching through every cupboard and closet. He was just plain nosy and it drove my roomates nuts! Drove me nuts but you dare didn't say anything to my dad (excuse, sperm donor) because than you would hurt his feelings and you would be a bad kid. My sperm donor always thought college just made people into over educated college idiots - I guess it was his way of elevating his self over me and putting me down but it sure hurt at the time.

So maybe I was fortunate and I can only guess how you feel when they are there. I wasn't dealing with the gay issue at the time, I just didn't date because I was too afraid and scared of anything in that department. Of course my dad would constantly belittle me for this and I always just took it.

Hang in there...


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#33571 - 07/02/04 05:01 PM Re: back into about 12 different closets
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I apologize for the length of this reply. I want to tell the whole story in hopes that it will give hope and will help.

It wasn't easy and it happened gradually over a period of years, but I had to separate myself from my family.

My father's death probably made starting the process easier, I think.

I didn't think of it as a process then. I was just feeling my way through.

I gradually stopped visiting my mother.

I also gradually discarded the oppression of her bigotted and harmful religion. As I was truly getting away from it, I started seeing it for what it is. I felt like I was being rescued from a cult. It felt like I was deprogramming myself, liberating myself from her 'spiritual' beliefs which were all mixed up with the abuse and actually supportive of the abuse.

I think my mother knew I was gay but was fixing her attention on ways to deny it. It seemed that as long as I didn't bring it up maybe it wasn't real for her.

I wrote her a letter telling her a lot of things including that she could choose to accept or not accept--it was her choice (of course), but if she chose to not accept, she would not be included in my life.

Now I understand that I would not include her in my life anyway. I finally understood why I was always uncomfortable around her. Even though she was seeming to (or was actually) to shrink and grow frail, she still seemed powerful and I was hypersensitive around her, even disassociated at times.

She did not respond to the letter directly and by her actions and what she has said has shown that while she does not always actively oppose it she does not respect or even acknowledge my relationships.

(She told me that I shouldn't go to my stepson's wedding because it would embarrass him and his father--my partner. I was part of the wedding party! F*ck her!)

I hardly ever see her (no more than once a year--it has been more than a year since I saw her last and then only briefly) and don't talk to her otherwise anymore.

(I didn't even think of this as a possibility while I was receiving her support. I would've been a homeless, mentally ill man without it.)

My partner and his (my step-) son consequently are not comfortable around my family. (They sensed the palpable tension between us when they were there and instictively wanted to avoid it.)

My stepson was raised in a life-affirming environment in which differences were/are not just accepted but are assumed as natural and no big deal.

We all love one another. I sometimes conciously realize where I am within that circle and it astounds me. How could anyone so hurt and damaged end up in something like that? Its truly marvelous.

Gradually, I have separated myself from my biological family and have instead participated in building my own family made up of our grandson and his parents.

If my mother ever acknowledges and seeks forgiveness for her abuse of me and her facilitation of other abuse (looking the other way, etc.) things might change. I can't imagine now how my anger would lessen.

I've felt a little guilty accepting money but reach an accommodation by thinking of it as just a small part of what I deserve as restitution.

I have been able to build clearer and clearer boundaries over time. I now can often say things like, "that's none of your business," when I am not comfortable with questions and other kinds of prying.

It is, for instance, none of anybody's business what my sexual orientation is and the nature of my relationships.

It is hard to do this with perps and especially with parents who were perps and particularly when accepting 'support' of one kind or another from them.

I post all of this thinking (hoping) that it will give you some hope for the future and what can happen.

I hope that gradually you will be able to separate from them and begin to build a whole different family, a healthy family made up of friends, perhaps a partner, all sorts of people who truly love and support you.

I think of all the guys here as part of that supportive circle around me. I can always come here, write about what's going on, and get responses of simple support and sometimes advice which helps a great deal.

I know I began to feel an increase in emotional strength after I found and began to use this site.

Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#33572 - 07/05/04 04:15 AM Re: back into about 12 different closets
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am so sorry that you are still dependent on them. That is a very hard thing, I can't imagine. I wish that you didn't have to see them at all. But I hope that you can find some support in the week or so following. Please be careful, and try to take care of yourself.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#33573 - 07/05/04 03:09 PM Re: back into about 12 different closets
whendoIcry? Offline

Registered: 07/02/04
Posts: 34
Loc: Metro Boston
I wish you well. How old are you? Is there any way you can chat with the financial aid office at your school and let them know what is up and that you desperately need to become financially independent...these people are using you and controlling you.

I survive, one day at a time...knowing that I now can accept the things that cannot be changed, change the things I can and find the wisdom to know the difference.


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