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#335389 - 07/06/10 11:06 AM Should be great. Actually feel crap.
traveller Offline

Registered: 10/01/09
Posts: 27
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Gday Guys,

I have a really beautiful, supportive and understanding wife who (for some strange reason) has an undying really strong and obvious love for me.

I also have a fantastic daughter who has just turned 1 and a son who will be born in a few months time.

I have a great business of my own and basically I should be stoked about how great my life is. And I am sometimes.

But in the last two years I have been seemingly trying to destroy everything that's good in my life because I feel as if I don't deserve any of it.

Even as I write all of this, I know it sounds like self-pitying bullshit and I hate myself for thinking it. But the truth is that I feel so empty sometimes and hate myself even more for that since I should be feeling great about my life and my beautiful family.

Then sometimes - actually quite a bit - I feel like they deserve so much better and that I will always be a drag on them or something bad in their life and think they would be much better off without me in their life.

My wife is the reason I breathe, the reason I get out of bed everyday and the most wonderful, amazing thing in my life. My daughter is the second most wonderful. And I want them to be happy and sane and not living with a nutcase who can't get past something that happened more than 25 years ago.

I am getting help now (again) through counselling but it is a really slow process and I want it to go faster and for me to be better quickly. And I just want to feel better. But mostly I want my wife and daughter's life to be better.

Rambling I know. This is the 4th time I have written this post so before I delete it again I'll post it. Thanks to anyone who can bothered reading it.

#335392 - 07/06/10 12:01 PM Re: Should be great. Actually feel crap. [Re: traveller]
happybuddha1 Offline

Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 86
Loc: Michigan
Hey Traveller.....I know your pain......I too have everything that I want, except for the pain/loneliness caused by the abuse.

It is a PROCESS....I know that sounds like blah, blah, blah, but it is true and it took me a long time to realize it...I too wanted it over quickly so I could simply move on....unfortunately, it does not work like that.

all is not lost, just realize that these are just feelings moving through, not what you are, and they will come and go....YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I hope that this helps traveller.

A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..


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