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#335360 - 07/06/10 12:31 AM i promise (possible a trigger)
woundedowl Offline

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
i am in a bad place all is dark and scary here
i see the faces and i am confused
who am i, what am i, why am i ?
so worthless and disposable how come
i feel so filthy and horrible inside
i am so scared and i don't know how i can rise
from the ashes of suppressing me and all that i am
a life of being different, weaker and smaller
not as tough, oh yeah, my life was quite rough
jamming square peg into round hole ripping
an empty void through through my spirit
as the voices keep telling me who i should be
what i should do, doing my duty
going through the emotions of someone
else's life and i try and gather
the scattered pieces of mine
from all over the ground
but well meaning misunderstanding
tramples over them even more and i invisible
on the floor lie and cry and die and cry and cry
a little each day searching for words to say
that will have meaning in a world
i do not fit into, though i try and try
but if i give my life to the flames
and have not love then i am nothing
but I don't want to be nothing
do i have love real love? Unconditional?
Do you understand me do you understand me?
really? Have you really looked deep inside?
am i worth the effort?i don't feel that?
my headphones are playing a mix
soft and sweet loud and screaming music
blocking out what the substances
are not fixing in the gaping hole called my heart
i cannot imagine or invision the rest of my life
without the deep darkness of misunderstanding
as loneliness and sadness keep me company
while the dogs lick the tears off of my face
as childhood demons sit on the hood of my car
waiting with baited breath, calling me
wanting to know if I want to come out and play
but I stay inside and pray asking?
what did i do, why are you mad at me
why do your better children always
throw me away. i am sorry, so sorry
it's really all my fault, i know, it's all my guilt
i show it's all my guilt with the scars
that i cut on my body one by one for me to feel
and for you to see but no one ever sees my pain
i did it, i caused it, i deserved it, i wanted it!!!!!!
is that what it takes to keep from being faked
by the ones with the promises and quick fixes
can love really transform, transgender, trans-mystify
my shattered confused heart tormented
as this outcast lost boy with tear-stained, bloodstained,
face and cum-stained lips take the blame and
punishment for the sins of my tormentors
at the edge of the abyss of the avenger
as poisonous tentacles fly and spit in my face
and lance my insides with flames of agony
turned to extasy forced again and again and again
suffociations dying word puts screams choaking
gagging whimpers mixed with meloncoly melodies
of the song of the old days covering the sounds
of self destructve obessions and desires
being forced and shoved into the depths of me
with pillow held tight over my face claustrophobic
threats to murder me if silence is broken.
but i am already dead, so ha, you can't kill me
oh please don't kill me i will do it better next time
and i will never tell on you, not ever, please
i promise, i promise, i promise, i promise, i promise.

#335516 - 07/07/10 07:47 PM Re: i promise (possible a trigger) [Re: woundedowl]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
wow Owl I hope u r doing well
the words hit deep and are so real

thanks for sharing this
glad to be your friend

Michael joseph

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#335530 - 07/07/10 09:58 PM Re: i promise (possible a trigger) [Re: michael Joseph]
woundedowl Offline

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
Weird poetry is the way I have expressed most of my feelings over the years. I have another one that I would like to post but am not sure what to do with, it is written to the one who hurt me most. I may put it somewhere on the other side. not sure yet, but thanks, doing ok, owl


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