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#335178 - 07/03/10 06:48 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: Derdlecar]
dodgers62 Offline

Registered: 07/02/10
Posts: 15
Loc: san diego c.a.
I was sexually abused by my older brother at age 8 and 9 and rather than come home i would defecate and wet my pants and my father would take a belt to my ass for it like i was doing these things on purpose sexual abuse or not something would say something is wrong here my therapist says its common my behavior not his

#335236 - 07/04/10 02:07 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: jhp]
nevragan Offline

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I do blame my parents. If I had a healthy house to grow up in I most likely wouldn't have been abused. My dad was mentally, verbally and physically abusive most of the time. When he was nice he wanted something. Mom was covert in her abuse of me. She was weak in her ways of protecting me from dad. All she was interested in was protecting her own butt. Neither protected me, they just had their ways with me with no regrets. After I told my parents I was raped, their comments were "I thought something had happened but wasn't sure". I had forever changed in the ways I acted but that wasn't a clue to them that something had happened to me. My parents are self centered and all about themselves. Since I told my parents that I was raped, I no longer talk to my dad. He said it was my fault and that I got what I asked for. Anyways, I don't think it's unfair to ask that your parents realise something is going on with you. They should be aware of what is going on with their kids. That is their job as a parent. Just my two cents.


#335239 - 07/04/10 02:20 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: nevragan]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Holy crap I had forgotten the situation.
The first night I was "home" with my family after the years of torture and abuse. I was 12 and my brother started to assault me he was spooning me and grabbing my penis. I screamed at him to stop and jumped out of bed screaming for mom and dad. I had no idea what was happening in fact I didn't know what sex was for another three or four years.
The apartment was a studio with a folding divider between the bedroom where my parents slept and the hideabed we were on. My other brother was on a cot. My father got up came into the room with mom behind him looking at the floor and yelled at me for making such a comotion and ordered me to get back in bed and shut the hell up.
My brother raped me five minutes later. He is four years older than I. The other brother also eventually raped me. Today the older one won't talk to me and the one aged between us claims I abused him! He is 2 years older, was 6' 150lb and I was 5' 75lb.

There was no point in telling anyone after that, dad and mom had as much as told me and them it was OK. yes I do blame them. Wow I never worked that out before. In later years I once told dad what he did and he denied the situation ever happened.

Edited by kidneythis (07/04/10 02:21 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#335271 - 07/04/10 05:27 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: kidneythis]
dodgers62 Offline

Registered: 07/02/10
Posts: 15
Loc: san diego c.a.
as chaotic as my house was i can understand my parents not knowing something was going on but but when your little boy is wetting and defecating in his pants, and at 8 years old not coming home until way after dark,thats a red flag that something is wrong

#335276 - 07/04/10 05:45 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: dodgers62]
BuryingJack Offline

Registered: 04/02/10
Posts: 101
I don't know where to start - you have all dealt with so much more than I did. My parents weren't very good at picking up on the signs - but they thought they tried. They did everything else well.

I'm not a parent. I'm not ready yet. But I know that I will never, ever let anyone hurt my children. I will also devote my life to helping those around me protect their children. If there's anything we can do now....we can do that.


#335297 - 07/04/10 10:33 PM Re: blame your parents? [Re: BuryingJack]
J1 Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 138
Loc: Missouri
Both of my parents sexually managed me from a young age. I really cannot recall exact ages or much more than general scenes and always running and hiding…the smells and sounds….the mind does certain things to shield me I am sure. Years of therapy, hard core drug addiction, avoiding intimacy, being in dangerous careers, flirting with death too many times to recall…..leave me alone on this holiday,. But today I am sober, fit and strong. My creative success has empowered me to start and run very successful businesses. I am fiercely independent, stand up for what I believe in, and recently renewed my martial arts and close quarters combat training, to enhance my personal energy. Blaming anyone, for me NOW, is pointless. Wanting to kill the abusers and run amok, was me….the essential point now, is embrace being a survivor, fully know i cannot change the past, and accept that my uniqueness leaves me on my own more often than not….but I am ok with that…now…I have a great dog…spend more time making healthy meals, and shrug off my so called friends when they no-show or do things that make me uneasy…A great therapist saved my life…this forum made me feel less isolated. I am stronger today and want to spread that feeling…you new guys…trust me…this will sort out…look forward, be organic, never, ever give up. Peace/Out/Jeff

#335313 - 07/05/10 02:28 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: J1]
jhp Offline

Registered: 06/28/10
Posts: 15
Loc: South Africa
thankyou for all the replies
J1 - I envy your strength and clear perspective

#335315 - 07/05/10 03:02 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: jhp]
Alchemist Offline

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 9
Loc: Florida
I struggle with this topic. My best friend, the first and one of the only people who I ever told about the abuse, actually told me I should put part of the blame on my parents.

But I can't seem to go there, at all. Not because there weren't times I can think of that they should have known and could have done something....but because I think of myself as "such a good liar" that there is no way they could have known. Is that weird?

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-Carl Sagan

#335320 - 07/05/10 09:44 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: Alchemist]
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1851
Loc: Northern Ohio
My father was my perp.

I have thought about it too. How did she not know?
But I know.....
1) She loved me. She was an angel in my life. I loved her.
2) She didn’t even know such things happened within families.
3) She thought I was just shy. I was.
4) Dad was a master of secretes. He was cunning & manipulative.
5) I never thought to tell. Thought he was allowed to do these things. He was like God, & u don’t question God when ur 8.

#335402 - 07/06/10 10:33 AM Re: blame your parents? [Re: Alchemist]
jhp Offline

Registered: 06/28/10
Posts: 15
Loc: South Africa
Originally Posted By: Alchemist
because I think of myself as "such a good liar" that there is no way they could have known. Is that weird?

My current psychologist says that this is a defence mechanism - and we use it because the fact that our parents could have known, or should have known, and failed, is extremely painful - too painful for us to acknowledge. So we find a reason to excuse their having failed us. I don't know...

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