seems like the F&F board is a bit slow so I thought I'd start a thread since I'm trying to function day to day and need to talk
The "unknown" is extremely mind draining. I mean I have known
of my H's csa for 19 yrs but only small bits of details here and there over the years and never my H's "struggles" with his masculinity. To me he appears VERY manly ... even some of his chauvinistic comments have driven me nuts over the years. Sometimes I have felt defeated as a women because I have felt like he thinks of females as "lessors". Now to learn that he has felt a constant need to validate his masculinity really throws me for a loop. It's almost unbelievable because this is not the "vibe" he puts off.
I question why our relationship didn't give him enough validation ... he is clearly the "head of our house" ... I am not an over bearing female ... often very submissive because I have struggled to regain my self esteem after being abused by my first husband and years of verbal abuse from my own parents. I have come a loooong way but I always tried to be extremely respectful to him as the "man of the house"... granted, I'm a "fun mom" too and have let the kids get away with things but I also have a hard time saying no and the kiddos use this against me *sigh*.
I have tried my darnedest to please him in the "bedroom". While I think I'm pretty sexual, I have often felt like a prude around him wondering what the hell was wrong with me. It's a hard sometimes thinking you can please your spouse yet can barely keep up with him. I've thought "why does he never seem to get enough", when we would have an amazing "session" and he'd appear to be craving more and more. Sometimes I would come away feeling so lonely and used because I felt it lacked intimacy and was a bit one-sided ........ I am now learning why
This "new" information is making my head spin. It's almost like he's been stuck in his adolescence in a way. Trying to figure out his sexual identity ..... Drawn to porn, videos, and recently engaging in sexting relationships with an xfriend and co-worker in order to feel "manly" <-------- where do I and our marriage vows fit in???? I have been lonely on and off
for YEARS (not just sexually but emotionally ... companionship wise) and have told myself to be patient and supportive because "he was abused" ...... so have I contributed to this "unknown" monster that it trying to destroy our marriage now? It makes me cry out in such deep pain.
Let's just say my self esteem/confidence has once again slide down the hill and is broken into a 1000 pieces. I don't even trust myself or my judgement at this point.