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#334527 - 06/24/10 12:02 PM is it me?
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
hate writing this here, i know there are people who had it worse then me so i feel like i'm complaining, even though people say i'm not.

i would just like to know why they picked me. what could have made the stepfather think i would want to do such things? was i just an easy target? he bullied me all my life and my real dad bullied me for half my life so it made me weak i guess? maybe thats why? not that i let people walk all over me i dont, but i avoid confrontation at all cost, just try to be nice to everyone. did the college roommate see that? see my weakness and think i would be ok with him taking advantage of that? was it something i did or said or didnt do that made them think they could do whatever they wanted and i would be ok with it? i guess it sounds like i am blaming myself, i guess i do blame myself. did i cause it to happen? i don't know.

#334529 - 06/24/10 12:26 PM Re: is it me? [Re: Zak]
J1 Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 138
Loc: Missouri
Welcome…I ended up in MS after years of self damning, wondering why, drowning my mind and being isolated, yet craving affection. No way could you have done anything, or said some words or attracted abusive action. I am not a professional counselor or much more than a survivor. My story is both parents abusing me, incestually, and ongoing abuse as I grew up from various figures. But in some ways all this shaped me to be creative, and later, propelled me in to a very successful business person.

I say that, because the abuse , for better or worse, molds you into a very special person. If we can take that most private, embarrassing,impacting experience, and shed the obvious crap….good things can happen. For me, staying sober, fitness, creative work and often being on my own, except for a loyal dog or 2, brought me a higher peace. A good therapist really helps, and can often sort out many of the issues. There are often other medical effects, from stress, lack of sleep or for me., ADD/Hyperactive. I went to 3 therapists at first until I found one that clicked. It is not that there are " bad professionals", but I decided that the right doc would emerge, and he did. He saved my life, he pushes me to be a survivor and he can laugh at the stupid things I often do. The MS rooms are safe, and do know so many of us have been where you arte…that it really will get better…Peace

#334530 - 06/24/10 12:36 PM Re: is it me? [Re: J1]
J1 Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 138
Loc: Missouri

I also find that I help people and they sometimes take advantage of me. Or I allow myself to tolerate insanity in others, when the simple word NO, might really be the best response. Any form of exercise, like hiking or something organic like Tai-Chi is really constructive. If you have shyness or have insecurity about being able to stand up to others, even physically, I truly find Martial arts to be the best tonic. We build confidence, structure and purpose in these forms. You can be any size, age or condition, and benefit from martial arts. In a few months of diligent practice, you will have an inner strength that will radiate and boost all your energy. There are great teachers all over the world. Go visit a class, at a college or private storefront dojo. The sensei ( teacher) will likely have you observe at first. this is traditional…Listen, learn, find a good energy…you may feel lost or not in tune at first, but never give up…this is natural.

#334536 - 06/24/10 01:16 PM Re: is it me? [Re: J1]
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
thanks for the advice

#334540 - 06/24/10 02:51 PM Re: is it me? [Re: Zak]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
J1, You are so right. At least in my case. I am successful in my business. I live alone and do that pretty good with the exception of letting the alone time get me to thinking about how I have let the CSA effect my life. This kinda drags me down at times. I do help people alot and at times they take advantage of my being so easy. I am very shy. My business is in the automotive repair service industry ( Tires, brakes, etc). I don't like for a customer to ride with me if I need to test drive their car. Don't like being in a car with a stranger at all. I avoid any type confrontation if at all possible. I seem to always let the opposing person get their way. I have let others bully me when I was younger. Walked away when I should have fought at times. That really helps your ego....

#334542 - 06/24/10 03:24 PM Re: is it me? [Re: wayne9]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
i don't do well with 1:1 encounters with people I don't know well ---- never understood why --------- i never have anything to say -- feel awkward --- feel weird ---- especially with men.

I can relate

#334571 - 06/25/10 01:28 AM Re: is it me? [Re: Sobernow]
nltsaved Offline

Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 936
Loc: Kc,Mo
Hello, Zak all i can say is do not apologize for sounding like your complaining .6 yrs is a long time and this stuff confuses the hell out us. trying to become a respectable person growing up is hard enough with out even having been abused , but sense we did grow up with abuse in our lives , things are all out of wack all out of order . trying to put all the pieces together is just plain hard but i think you are up to the challenge !! .
the things that you have been through in your life are extremely different vs some one who has not been through what you have been through. this is heavy stuff we have been subjected to. i do not no your story but if it involves being molested than you can pretty much say you are a "survivor".

read this

survivor 1. a person or thing that survives
or survive
1. To remain alive or in existence.
2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere

3. To remain functional or usable

1. To live longer than; outlive

2. To live, persist, or remain usable through:
3. To cope with (a trauma or setback); persevere after: survived child abuse.

i do not no you but i do no you needed help , you asked for it, because you are here you said and i quote

"All I really know right now is I am tired of being alone with all of this and I need help."

this is a huge step for your life , admitting that you need help is the first and most important thing .

now knowing this
you must set out and accomplish this task ! even if it takes presentence and consistency. these are the keys, that no matter how small the steps
you must be consistent and presentent in your recovery all ways with the out look to over come sooner or later .
this is the right place to start healing. good luck man you are not alone in your walk !

one more thing, to answer you ?

"did i cause it to happen? i don't know"

the only thing you were was the victim


1: one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent
one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions
(2) : one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment
one that is tricked or duped

Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus


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