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#334314 - 06/21/10 03:16 PM Feeling "fragile" and ranting. How about you?
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Feel free to share anything you like that is connected in some way.

I just want to explore these feelings this morning and get some feedback.

I first used this title term a week ago describing the state of the pain I was feeling from my crash. My joints felt made of ceramic with that crackle appearance to it and the edges broken off.

I've noticed this morning that the idea of me going somewhere like another city brings up imagined encounters with people in which I am as vulnerable and unable to act as I ever was. I used to have confidence and certainty about me. I had thought myself grown out of the fears I now know came from the abuse. But here I am horribly disgustingly out of shape and disrespected on sight. All I had worked to build lost or going away slowly.
I know some of this is the local xenophobia for Italians and Latin looking types but it also seems to be that a lot of how well I was treated was based on what I looked like. When I was thin and fit and obviously full of energy I guess people liked me. Now that I am sickly, fat and out of shape because of my disability people have no problem disrespecting me, dismissing me and otherwise making me aware they have no respect for me.

This has all lead to a rebirth of those old insecure feelings, which started before I was triggered to remember the early life abuse though I didn't know it then.
The triggering seems to have made it worse. Now in down moments especially, when I imagine things I might do to improve myself or my situation my subconscious mind throws up undermining images of me being a failure and being disrespected and being afraid of that disrespect because I don't know what to do to correct it or get it back and then I start to feel worse when I remember having had it.
Even if I imagine just going somehwere to do something normal I end up imagining the people who talk to me are asking me questions which seem to indicate I am suspect in some way. I never have an answer. The questions are always about whatever thing is happening in my life that I feel is not going well and always indicate I am doing something wrong to cause this.
Again I am unable to answer in anyway that makes it OK. I am fairly sure this is because I don't know the answer of how to fix my external life.
Having been treated what I thought was normally. I feel even worse for not knowing how I had achieved it the first time which means at some level it wasn't real or deserved unless that deservedness was based on my appearance. Otherwise this means I am facing worse discrimination than I know.
I should mention for information purposes I found out something I never knew back when I was being treated well, and even when I did know it did not know how to use it, that is that I am/was considered to be fairly attractive.

Is this all part of the common PTSD self undermining based on the abuse current and past, or is it true that I only merited the respect I had when I thought I had it, because I was being treated well based on my looks and not being respected at all?

It was the first time in my life that people smiled when they saw me, strangers just as much or more often than friends. Here its like I'm 29 and in Seattle again and eveyone is looking at me like I just took a shit on the sidewalk in front of them or they had a fearful look when looking at me and took pains to try to avoid me. I was just walking along as they were.
I was clean, dressed normally in jeans and button up flannel shirts and T-shirts and had short combed hair. The only common thing is I was out of shape. Then not as badly as now, but out of shape.

I could deal if I understood where these reactions come from. Then I could use a strategy or changfe myself or say fuck you or any of a million things but as it is and as it was I am stuck in ignorance and unable to affect how people rae treating me and how this has undermined me in the present and in my potential future life by making the planning of it near impossible since I cannot imagine success w/o being undermined by these creeping thoughts that try to reinforce the self loathing my abusers and many after them seem to think I deserve.

Edited by kidneythis (06/21/10 03:23 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#334324 - 06/21/10 04:16 PM Re: Feeling "fragile" and ranting. How about you? [Re: kidneythis]
oldguy Offline

Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
Kidney this, I too have an active subconscious. When I'm feeling bad about something it will bring up some past event in my life where I was guilty, stupid or wrong. And that makes me feel worse. In the past year I've taken to carrying a small notebood with me and whenever such a past event shows up I write it down in the notebook. This has reduced considerably the frequency of these memories (some go back to elementary school-like 70 years ago). And when one shows up I look it up in the book and say to myself, been there done that. And forget about it.
What people think about me or say about me is only their opinion, not the truth. Granted it can be very difficult to live with, especially with us who are all dealing with the effects of CSA, shame and guilt and self-loathing. The shame, guilt and self-loathing are not ours but belong to our perpetrators. The solution is recovery from CSA. Granted, again, that it is difficult - but worthwhile. Take care, Oldguy

#334331 - 06/21/10 06:14 PM Re: Feeling "fragile" and ranting. How about you? [Re: oldguy]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I wish it was just some old mistake coming back I'd know what to do with that.
I have no self esteem problem nor do I care what others think of me.
What I care about is how people treat me basedon their prejudices.
Right now, I just got off the phone with a doc who was recomended but doesn't treat shoulders. I can't get in to see a doctor because of the way I've been mistreated and blackballed. It all started because some lady just didn't think I was worth the time to be kind to and then she just got all snooty and holier than thou over my pointing out how she was wrong for treating me badly. Almost as if it were deliberate as if she knew I would eventually yell at her and I did then I was dismissed from the practice. Then the next practice did the same thing ot me adding that a PA filed a made up report on me that prevented me from getting into a third pracrtice. The third practice started by denying me an appointment because they disliked my being angry at the report. I was told that was the reason for the denial, it never got past the scheduler. The lady at the front desk was the one who decided she didn't like my look. At the time I was in so much pain I had been having fantasies of chopping my arm off to make it go away. I had the hatchet sitting next to me for months my pain urging me to just do it an get it over with. And still I was treated like shit.
Then I got angry about that and I was dismissed. so the three places I might go for help currently are closed to me and there are no alternatives.
I finally got some guy to order an MRI which showed the reason for my pain which I eventually got on pain meds that don't get one high and when it all stablized I got an injection in the wrist which worked for the pain in my arm. That was finally resolved just a few months ago from my first complaint in May 08. If I had been treated then I would have recovered in a couple months and that would have been it as it is now the thing seems to be chronic as sionce the car crash and me favoring the other arm using this one the pain is creeping back in again. FUCKING SDCUM!!!!!!!@!!!
I had been without pain meds for my disability for several years and been off using pot to treat that pain for several months when the pain in my arm from painting my ceiling got so bad I went into the doctor.
So I was a bit frantic, but all of my condition was medical the arm and everything else, even the imagined drug seeking behavior I saw alluded to but never spoken out loud, and I was rejected at everyturn!
They openly treated me like I was a piece of shit. They do this to a lot of people here. Only a certain type of person (ie unquestionably white) is allowed into the main practices the rest of us have to go to County which is crap. Even if they have good insurance which I do.
All because of some fat cow racist bigoted scumbag didn't approve of me and tormented me until I yelled at her. 4 or 5 years ago! I think the fix was in before that even. WHy else would an apparently normakl person react to a normal stranger like she did? Which I can only guess is the surgeon who disabled me or other medical staff getting me blackballed. Around here thre Docotrs don't get their hands dirty the staff does it rarely does it even get up to nurse level. Operators, and schedulers and clerks are making medically significant decisions of whether or not someone gets care based on some secret Rubrik that if asked for is denied. (Insurance Co.'s) And man are they full of themselves and the illigitimate power they are exercising. They seem to really believe themselves to be something when the fact is they have been chosen for their low level of education. Decent smart people don't treat their fellow man this way and wouldn't do it for pay for sure. Any sensible person knows this is wrong.

I tried to get back into the first place and when I asked the Security guy the name of the owman who dismissed me (I knew it the day she did it and she sent me a letter) he wouldn't tell me. He was as closed mouthed as possible and I felt a criminal the way he treated me.

Its all about having and holding false power over me. Every interaction is about them exerting illigitimate control over personal things they shouldn't even be interested in.

The PA I mentioned trained in his hospital where he teaches from the book he wrote that says not to do what he did to me.

This is in a large nutshell one of the things that was being done to me and undermining me before I got triggered.

Edited by kidneythis (06/21/10 06:42 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#334342 - 06/21/10 07:41 PM Re: Feeling "fragile" and ranting. How about you? [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
That last one dredged up some crap. Todays a black day which sucks besides for the blackness, because the sun is finally out. Now I have to work myself up to faking smiles and happiness so I can be treated well when I go into the Chiro in an hour.

I don't want to go.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.


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