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#333818 - 06/15/10 05:01 PM DOes this go here?
rbi Offline

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 6
My counselor told me that I should share something very difficult if I really want to get better. And I do. So badly. I don't know if this goes here, I am new and stupid. First let me say that I am straight. I like girls. I have a girlfriend and we fuck all the time. I love it. I spend a lot of time watching porn and I like it. I really like porn with only women. But I sometimes watch gay porn on the computer. As I watch it I see myself as the one who is being fucked or sucking dick. I wonder if that is how I looked during my abuse. I especially think this when it looks a little painful. I wonder if those are the sounds I made. This is not normal behavior. I feel like I am a total fucking sicko. What is wrong with me?

#333819 - 06/15/10 05:07 PM Re: DOes this go here? [Re: rbi]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
when you are abused a lot of things go on inside of you afterward. Many men are confused or have problems for many years afterward.


Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#333820 - 06/15/10 05:11 PM Re: DOes this go here? [Re: rbi]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Welcome rbi,
First off You are not stupid. I'm happy to know your orientation but it isn't necessary for anyone here to know it to get the help you can get here.
If you read around the site you will find that your situation is very common to Victims of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) or Same Sex Abuse (SSA). I think the Sexual Identity Issues forum and the Ask the Sex Doc forum would have a lot of info that might help you with the things you posted.

Welcome brother

Edited by kidneythis (06/15/10 05:12 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#333823 - 06/15/10 06:17 PM Re: DOes this go here? [Re: kidneythis]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
rbi, you are not stupid. If you take time to look around here on MS you will find that most here have alot of the same thoughts that you are having. To me the first thing you need to do is face the fact that you are having some feelings/desires that are probably based on something that happened that you had no control over. Your were a kid, you are not to blame, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Try to accept that and you will be on the right track. I would recommend you seek a Theripist/Pychologist that has experience with CSA victims. I started facing all this 5 months ago. After 40 years of keeping this terrible secret I am facing. Some days are harder than others but I feel its the best thing I have done for myself and the ones close to me. Good luck with your journey


#334054 - 06/18/10 09:28 AM Re: DOes this go here? [Re: wayne9]
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 700
We ALL felt alone, all of us, when we got here. I'm married, and I feel alone/different/unique sometimes, too.

But coming here is a very brave thing you did. Welcome! Your confusion and fear is common when you first come.'re not stupid. You had great courage by speaking up. I hope you find some peace in yourself today.



#334068 - 06/18/10 11:15 AM Re: DOes this go here? [Re: fhorns]
TJ jeff Offline


Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3515
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Welcome to MS rbi - I hope that you find much healing here

you are not alone in your confusion of why you do certain things...

I'm no therapist - but... I'd guess that the reason you are doing those things is that a part of your mind is subconsciously trying to go back to the past to find some understanding of what was done to you - a good therapist that specializes in working with males who where sexualy abused can help you greatly in overcomming the past

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#334176 - 06/19/10 03:23 PM Re: DOes this go here? [Re: TJ jeff]
oldguy Offline

Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
Hi, rbi, I'm Oldguy. I have watched my share of porn and had thoughts and fantasies similar to yours.So if you're a sicko then I'm a sicko. But really the sickos are the perpetrators who abused us. The shame and the blame is theirs, not ours. I'm striving for recovery, to be rid of my abusive fantasies, to be rid of this shame and be whole again. The best revenge is to live well. Take care, Oldguy.

#334191 - 06/19/10 08:52 PM Re: DOes this go here? [Re: oldguy]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my brothers.

Hi, rbi. No my brother you are not stupid, by any stretch of the imagination.

Let me tell you something. I had found my true sexuality 9 months ago. I haden't watched any kind of porn in over 35 years.
However, there was an episode that i got myself into earlier this year. It is posted else where. But while i was watching it, me & Ralph were the males performing those sex acts. I felt the pleasures of it & i was M'ing at the same time. Ralph loved me. And i loved Ralph, for 55+ goddam years.
He was the "mom" & "dad" that i never had.

No, my brother, we are not sicko's. They were.

Heal well my brother, rbi, heal well,


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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