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#334071 - 06/18/10 03:41 PM Re: fathers day stress [Re: Sobernow]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Great Thread/Topic-

Thanks for bringing it up Zak,

and being clear about your choices.

That's the kicker for me, in a community of recovering men who embrace honesty and share their truth, I am confronted with the reality that:


The reality for me is that my father was abusive in many ways, starting with neglectful, and continuing on to being critical, demeaning, modeling addictive behavior, blaming, and having a public image that didn't match with the reality.

I made peace with much of that before he died in 2007, so my father's day is more about me being a father to my kids.

But in a way, I still have what some call the "father wound" and I can choose to find healing.

So my choice today is to look at how I need positive, nurturing, caring, attentive, and loving fathering in my life.

In my 12-step groups, the idea of a higher power is central to help me grow. In my religion, God is seen as a loving, ever-present, strong father figure.

As a man, I need to seek out strong direction and guidance and support in my life. Coming from such a deficit, where the males in my life abused me emotionally and sexually, there is a lot to be done here.

So to Zak, and to myself, and to my brothers here, I commit this weekend to finding ways to father myself that are healthy, loving, and fun.

I will NOT avail myself of abusive people, behaviors, thoughts, and ideas.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#334072 - 06/18/10 03:44 PM Re: fathers day stress [Re: Zak]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Originally Posted By: Zak

it's so hard to want to do something good for myself or even be good to myself when the entire day is filled with bad memories anxiety and stress.

Recovery is also about reclaiming and reframing the past-fill the day by MAKING GOOD MEMORIES and celebrating what IS working for you.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#334106 - 06/18/10 11:18 PM Re: fathers day stress [Re: Zak]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Have you thought about doing volunteer work somewhere? I always found doing something for someone w/o asking for any return focused my mind on that task and the problematic things fade back a bit. I usually ended up washing dishes, setting up tables or serving food. There were several churches and a synagogue where I used to live that let a person just volunteer w/o much fuss about it. I don't know if they want a full background or what anymore I haven't had much luck calling around or showing up in the usual sorts of places around where I am now offering to help. I haven't been able to volunteer in years.

I like the take a ride to the shore and BBQ idea.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#334113 - 06/19/10 12:52 AM Re: fathers day stress [Re: Sobernow]
alan55 Offline

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Zak and all the other guys here...Father's Day is difficult at best for most of us. My Dad wasn't all he could have been to us and I still long for him to tell me I'm a good man and he's proud of what I have done with my life. But he died suddenly the week of Christmas in 1991 and I never heard those words.
I do my best to be a good man and to love my wife and children they best way I know how. I never wanted my children to experience the emotional pain I felt, the shame, hurt, sorrow and sense of loss that somehow never gets resolved in us. I have asked them and they tell me I'm a good father. If that's the only reason for me to be here then I did my work well.

#334121 - 06/19/10 03:44 AM Re: fathers day stress [Re: Sobernow]
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I'm struggling hard with this day and I don't have to worry about family get togethers. Just knowing it is going on, seeing the store displays to sell merchandise of love makes me about want to vomit. Ok, I know there are some good fathers out there but that's as big of a leap as I can make right now. Fortunately today, my partner went to the store and I stayed home. I really didn't need to be in the store today. The anxiety hits so high during these times.


In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!

#334122 - 06/19/10 04:15 AM Re: fathers day stress [Re: MrDon]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my brothers,

I, don't ever remember seeing a dad. But, i had a sister 3 years younger than I (a miracle birth?).

Some times i wished that i had one. Maybe he could have loved & protected me.

Go on out to the sea shore & sit there & listen to the waves come in & out. Massachusetts has some beautiful beaches/sea shore.

Heal, well my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine , forever into eternity."


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#334531 - 06/24/10 12:45 PM Re: fathers day stress [Re: Sobernow]
J1 Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 138
Loc: Missouri
holidays with past abusive parents are the worstI still have an elderly mother that abused me. There are times where we have common events and this makes me physically ill. My adult siblings have awareness of my unique situation, as does my T. In the purest version, I have to dis=engage from being around the surviving parental abuser. as older adults, it is just not a topicso I gave up ever having the serious talk. Christmastime and Thanksgiving are the worst for me. The extended family puts on a show, and I try to plan on having the flu, or being stuck out of town. Ii really do not owe anyone an explanation, and my friends and co-workers give me amazing energy and get me through those times. Just say NO be selfish for once....go riding...

#334535 - 06/24/10 01:14 PM Re: fathers day stress [Re: J1]
Zak Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 57
well its over and i got through it.
thanks for all the replies.

thats the thing, i hate to lie and make shit up, i'm tired of having to do that. i have no idea how say no to them or anyone really.

#334923 - 06/29/10 11:37 PM Re: fathers day stress [Re: Zak]
brother2none Offline

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 269
Loc: Undisclosed
M.buck..I want to tell u your post helped me gain a better perspective on how to deal with the approach of and day of fathers day. Like many others here, this day is among the hardest to live in the moment.

To zak, you absolutely must learn how to say no, starting with saying no to yourself. My no needs work. I wondered if you included yourself in those who you HAVE not said no to.

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