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#333805 - 06/15/10 05:34 PM New here
rbi Offline

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 6

Is this how you begin? I am Justin. I was molested by my baseball coach while I was growing up. I am currently completing anger management therapy as a conditioning of not losing my scholarship. My counselor told me about this site. She was the first person I ever told about my abuse. I hate that I have to be here. I am ashamed that I decided to join only after reading some of the posts regarding sexual identity issues. I can't believe I just typed that. My abuse has left me angry and confused. Well, I was told I should at least try an anonymous place to share, so I tried. I am actually angrier now then I was before I started typing, is that how it is supposed to go? FUCK!!!!!!!

#333806 - 06/15/10 05:47 PM Re: New here [Re: rbi]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Justin,

Good beginning-I'm sorry you had to make it, but it is the most healthy way to deal with this stuff.

We have held a LOT inside for a long time, and letting it out is strange and overwhelming-believe me. I've been in recovery for addictions (alcohol, sex, money) long before I came to see myself as a survivor of csa.

You are not alone, and others have and are going thru this too. In my case, the csa really messed up my sexuality, my relationships with other males, and my sense of self. Today, these are getting untangled and straightened out, but ONLY because I reach out and ask for help from people who are qualified and safe.

The men here are safe and understand. Men in my 12th step groups, my men's group, and other places can be safe and a great resource too.

Welcome again, It is ok.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#333822 - 06/15/10 10:17 PM Re: New here [Re: Mountainous Buck]
WalkTheWalk Offline

Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 57
Loc: Wisconsin
Hey Justin,

I have been on this site for less than a year. You are among friends here. Fear of telling and facing the story about your abuse is normal. But, there is also a freedom in being able to express your thoughts to men who understand you and know where you have come from.

The pages of this site are filled with wisdom and the members range from those who have recently decided to face their reality to those who have done so and moved on to live happy lives.

May you find this site helpful and your journey to healing successful!

- The pain of our past can have influence in molding a better person than we might have been otherwise.

- Sometimes boys with a thousand nightmares become men with a million blessings.

#333826 - 06/16/10 12:24 AM Re: New here [Re: WalkTheWalk]
christianfather Offline

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 116
Loc: TN
RBI- I hate that you have to be here also. Just know that the healing process is just that a process and just like the grief process which we all have to go through, anger is one of the important steps we all have to take. Just take your time, write what you want and when you want and let the process go where it needs to. If you fight it which is our first instinct, it makes it harder. Just keep trying. You'll get there. We'll all get there in our own time.

#333840 - 06/16/10 02:38 AM Re: New here [Re: christianfather]
alan55 Offline

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
RBI- Welcome to a safe place. We all here understand. The process takes time and you have your own timeline so don't let anyone tell you that you "should be" so far in your recovery. In time, it will be beneficial for you to locate one or two safe men to process this all with. You are worth the work.

#333841 - 06/16/10 02:53 AM Re: New here [Re: alan55]
calv Offline

Registered: 04/27/10
Posts: 45
Loc: seattle
RBI.... I totally get the anger! You have just made a fantastic breakthru !

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” Barbara Bloom

#333893 - 06/16/10 07:54 PM Re: New here [Re: calv]
rewiringed Offline

Registered: 04/28/10
Posts: 34

Welcome to MS. I understand the anger. Keep on working through it, my friend...I'm glad you are letting your feelings out...You've come to a good place. Take care...


#333910 - 06/16/10 10:54 PM Re: New here [Re: rewiringed]
derrick Offline

Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 94
Loc: North Carolina

it seems your in the right place - I encourage you to keep reading posts and learning from others who have been through simliar abuse

I am sorry for what happen to you


Edited by derrick (06/16/10 10:55 PM)
My Story

Alumnai of May 2011 DAHLONEGA (a life changeing event)
Alumnai of October 2010 WOR Hope Springs

#333949 - 06/17/10 02:47 PM Re: New here [Re: derrick]
captainobvious Offline

Registered: 06/17/10
Posts: 18
Loc: Oregon
RBI. I just joined the sight myself and I am just starting to feel angry about what happened. Angry that my parents didn't do better. Your baseball coach should have done better, too, but he didn't and I can't change what my parents did and you can't change what your coach did, but you can have control over your future as you move forward and sharing with other male survivors is a HUGE step forward. I wish I hadn't waited so long, but I have been fooling myself that I am further along in my healing than I really am. Hang in there. Don't let your old baseball coach take away your scholarship because of your anger. Let your therapist help you work through your anger. You CAN do this!

A little bit of nonsense (or play) now and then is relished by the wisest men!


WoR Kempenfelt July 2010, Sequoia March 2011

#334007 - 06/17/10 11:53 PM Re: New here [Re: captainobvious]
scubagar Offline

Registered: 03/28/10
Posts: 23
Hi Justin,

I know that my first place to talk about my abuse was here at MS. Like you, I can remember that after I hit "Submit", that I couldn't believe I actually typed out what had happend and how I was feeling! But I've told a few people since, the first one being a therapist.

I figured after I told someone that I would feel a big sense of relief (which I did, really), but afterward I would find myself very depressed and upset for a couple of days. She said that it was like dirty water being held back by a dam. It's been building up for a long time and now that it's free flowing it's kind of all around you.

However, the water finally and eventually flows clean. I have found that each time I've discussed it with someone, the effect is less and the shame is less. What I couldn't even speak aloud when alone a few months ago, I can now speak of almost (but not really) matter-of-factly.

Just the fact that you've posted here and are dealing with it shows that you are beginning to take control of your situation. That's great!

Edited by scubagar (06/17/10 11:55 PM)

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