Lately I've done a lot of fantasizing about giving one of my abusers oral sex. (As I write that, part of me gets really nervous about some finding out who I am and that I feel this way.)
I'm trying to cut myself some lack in this regard, but things get more intense. I fantasize, and I want to fantasize more. I used to be repulsed by the mental image of his penis in my face. Now it is as if I am aroused. And I imagine things I don't think ever happened, just for the sensation I get.
This tendency I find sickening.
But more than that, I think about how if I want it now, maybe I wanted it then, too. In fact, in one case, I know I did. (I was maybe 11, He was 16) Another time I remember laughing.
It makes me think that abuser could have thought this was consensual. And he might have been right.
Finally, for as long as I can remember, my sexual fantasies have always been about being humilated. Usually bound, with someone bludgeoning my testicles. I don't know why this is arousing. It does not resemble anything I remember ever going through.
But I wonder today, if I am aroused at abusive things. If so, maybe the abuse was not that, it was instead something I asked for and took part in. Alternatively, maybe I have imagined it.
Anybody know what this is like?
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy