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#332272 - 05/27/10 09:15 PM I don't know if this is a good Subject location ?
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I've been ruminating lately about self blame between episodes of fury about my medical care. I had an auto accident and well its a pain literally and figuratively.

Anyway, with Jesse James pointing out that he was emotionally and physically abused and that he thinks that lead him to be self destructive and to screw around. The reaction being one of claiming he was using/tryiong to use his abuse as an excuse for poor behavior. Someone said "when your an adult you're responsible for what you do. You can't make excuses."

This has triggered in me a cascade of self destructive reliving of situations real and imagined in which I was unable to see or figure out the right or normal thing to do as a direct result of my abuse and how I was not allowed to say "I didn't know because..." because "thats an excuse!"
It makes me feel like shit because I can't see how that is fair or assuming it is fair how it is I am supposed to figure out something that I don't know how to fighure out or sometimes don't even know its there to be figured out.

Its the fairness that bugs me. I don't mind taking my lumps for my mistakes or chances I take but I don't like how these holes in my psyche and personality inflicted by the abuse are made out to be a personal fault as if I could "just figure it out" and used against me to take advantage of me mostly financially.

If it is correct that we can't point to our abuse as the reason for being who we are, then what do we do with the unavoidable effects that abuse has on our daily life? I didn't hear him making an excuse he was simply telling us that he understood the underlying reason for his behavior. He never sidestepped responsibility as far as I know. (I didn't watch it all this is mainly a convienient example for my point)

Do we all have to avoid explaining our character defects when whe need to apologize? Maybe just say its my fault and deal with the underlying later in private?

It makes me nuts because it has triggered me to try to verbalize and I found that dam spot in my brain that was destroyed and keeps me from finding the words as I always do when something this deep comes up. Its just lucky for me that JJ was recently on tv so I had an example to use. If it hadn't been on I never would have been able to find the words to make an example on my own.
That is the thing they wanted to destroy in me. I had a facility for being able to explain almost anything given enough truthful information about it and this drove them nuts.

It was my ability to do this that made my abusers so insecure and inspired the racist torture and abuse that followed. I'm sure my family played some part in this but I don't knwo exactly what yet I only have memories of things like being asked why my family hated me and being told my famil;y was asking for someone to hurt me by the people who abused me so you can see my conflict. I believe wholeheartedly my family would have done this but they are my abusers so can I believe them?

The damage that most triggers my shame and self destructive coping mechanisms is when my inability to grab words to make an argument in real time is shown to be lacking. The way I was made to hide it was by telling me I'd be locked up forever if any white adults ever found out. Its a horrible existence when the only information you get from the world is from your abusers.

Let me know what you think of the first topic and feel free to comment on anything I said as usual.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#332339 - 05/28/10 02:44 PM Re: I don't know if this is a good Subject location ? [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I need some feedback on this post please or I can't do anything with it. I'd rather not be stuck if I can avoid it.


As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#332348 - 05/28/10 04:07 PM Re: I don't know if this is a good Subject location ? [Re: kidneythis]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas

not sure if this will help or not.. maybe it might even confuse you more, but i'll tell you what i think and have dealt with.

for me, during my life after i was abused at 7 years old up to when i started dealing with it, talking about it, at 36 years of age i couldn't understand or explain why i did the things i did, why my behavior was the way it was and so on.. i just thought that a lot of it was "just my personality"...

it wasn't until i started talking about my issues and letting out that i was abused and getting help for it, along with sites like ms, that i learned that a lot of the things i do, say and behave are really issues stemming from my abuse... and for a little while i would use the "abuse" card to explain why i did the things i did, say the things i said and so on...

fast forward to about a year ago i've finally came to believing that while these issues i have, and currently working on, my behavior, things i say and do are a result from these issues but i recognize it now and try to deal with it at the point of when it happens instead of letting it go and then later say, it was the abuse i suffered and so on... grant it, i've made great strides in getting a grip on my issues ahead of time and not act out on them but every once in a while they still come out..

when that happens, i pick myself back up. dust myself off and try to learn from it by understanding that whatever the situation was that "triggered" the response from me i can now try to deal with it and hopefully move even further in my recovery...

hope this helps...


live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#332410 - 05/29/10 12:03 AM Re: I don't know if this is a good Subject location ? [Re: Obi]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Thank You Obi, it makes sense. I was seeking feedback for what I sounde like and what I said. I was in a state where I was confused and feeling like I wasn't heard and wanted to know what that looked like to others so I could have a basis to compare the next time it occured.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.


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