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#329642 - 04/25/10 04:39 AM mother's boy
Lenz Offline

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco

I am new to the list, and I am thinking about inviting my mother to join MS (simply so that she can be included in this conversation). Is this a bad idea, or a good idea? What do you think? Of course, she may refuse. My impulse is that, if she accepted, we would be able to break through a number of our long-held barriers, and both of us could be better informed about how to move forward. We live in different states, and this approach would be about as easy as email. This way, we could participate as we each liked, and open up for discussion things that we need input on.

In the last 8 years we have put each other through hell I don't mind telling you, and the only reason that we have been able to get anywhere in this conversation has been because of a single agreement we made years ago. Every Sunday we agree to talk. Usually it goes badly. In about 5 minutes one of us is yelling at the other. I really need some help getting this relationship to become nourishing again. She has no idea how carefully I need her to approach my feelings about what happened, or about the ensuing disolution of the rest of our family.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I'll tell you how it goes.


Edited by Lenz (04/25/10 04:47 AM)

#329660 - 04/25/10 01:51 PM Re: mother's boy [Re: Lenz]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Every Sunday we agree to talk. Usually it goes badly. In about 5 minutes one of us is yelling at the other.

If you fight with every conversation, what would be your goals for having her here? Is it to read your posts, provide her side of the story, learn about csa?

I think if you got into public spats on this site, it could be upsetting for others to read these posts. We've had couples registered here and sometimes it got nasty.

I'd say, look at your goals for having her here and if she agrees to them, she could post in this forum or read others' stories if it would help.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#329670 - 04/25/10 03:52 PM Re: mother's boy [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Lenz Offline

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco

The aim would really be to keep our disagreements to ourselves, and put our questions out to others. I doubt that either of us would want our spats to be public, and the thought would be that we would have a reason to treat each other with respect.

I think part of the reason for our fights has been that she has wanted me to take care of this by myself. She can accept what I am saying, but she doesn't want to help.

The difficulty of our phone conversations is that when one of us hangs up, the other one is left with all the feelings. I want to encourage her to learn what kind of support I need without being able to say that this is My Problem alone, and leave me at the other end of the discussion feeling orphaned.

I ran away from home at 15/16/17, and I am 36 today. The 20 years that I haven't been home, have been "orphan years". I have lost my father and brother and two grandparents because the complaint that I am raising against my father's church, and all I have left are these partial conversations that never have the bredth of scope or the patience to become theraputic.

I have nothing to hide from my mother whatsoever. In fact I have more to share. She thinks of herself as being a mental health professional, still young and hip, but her clinical opinions are only used to serve her in her denial of me. She has worked as a coucellor in the past, but she suffers from a terrible case of myopia where it concerns mental health. She has already said how open she would be, and she has already made her opinions about me, and now there is little room for growth for us, or greater understanding.

I have had to devote myself to learning in order to keep even some of that relationship in tact. I hope, if in the better case, she wants to sign on, even for a moment, that she would stop treating me with the kind of disrespect that can only take place behind the lines of families.

Your reservations are duly noted, and play into the kind of acceptance that she and I would both have to make, and commit to.


Edited by Lenz (06/05/10 07:35 AM)

#329700 - 04/25/10 09:44 PM Re: mother's boy [Re: Lenz]
Lenz Offline

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco

I recieved a pat refusal from my mother. She doesn't sign on to 'these things'. End of story. I feel better telling her about it. If she really cares, she wont tell me. She'll troll. I think if she secretly gets information about me, its more rewarding to her. She gets to act like she knows something that I dont know already.

Our conversation was cordial. She's done a few things for me this week, picked up the phone a few times when she otherwise would not have, and she gave me an extra apology, after all these years, for giving me a punching bag for my 13th birthday. (Now she gets it, it was a dumb idea.) The apology means that she is coming to accept that I am a survivor, of this and other things, and that she maybe wasn't the very best parent in the world. This alone is quite a lot of acceptance for one Sunday phone call.

I accept that these are victories.


Edited by Lenz (06/05/10 07:35 AM)

#330661 - 05/02/10 07:26 PM Re: mother's boy [Re: Lenz]
Lenz Offline

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
Sunday May2

"Put it away. Why would you want to be a victim of this?"

Being is not psychological, Mother. It is not a matter of what I want to be. I didn't ask for this. I don't want this. This is a fact. We have to deal with this fact.

Today's phone call was great, I think. We talked for 45 minutes. I asked if we were resolved. She said yes. I asked if she would support me seeking justice. This was a triumph for me. She said yes.

She mentioned MS, and told me that she found this thread, but that she would rather us handle this ourselves. I said she had much more to learn, and that this is good news.

She said that I was wrong that I had lost all my family given what I am raising. It has been my behavior, she said, the way that I raised the issue and the event, and that I have lost her side of the family because of fact that I bring up the story of a lost brother, whose death was misunderstood, and that this was different.

I said I would not be treated like him, I would not be so misunderstood. That was all. End of conversation. I sat at the end of my bed in shock for a half an hour. That's how it feels to be heard. Does this make it a good Sunday? It is only grief I can celebrate, and grief I recieve.

I accept that these are victories.


Edited by Lenz (05/02/10 07:32 PM)

#331762 - 05/23/10 05:48 PM Re: mother's boy [Re: Lenz]
Lenz Offline

Registered: 04/23/10
Posts: 61
Loc: San Francisco
May 23rd, 2010

Today, we began the conversation differently. She said, "Hi". I said, "Hello Mom, I love you." Silence. "That sounds nice, doesn't it? 'Hi Mom, I love you?'

"I love you, too son."

"That's nice. That's new. How are you?"

"How are you?"

"Same question, I see. I am fine, in fact I think you will be proud of me. You may not think you will be proud of me but you will be."

"Why is that?"

"I filed."

"What do you mean, you filed?"

“A boy was raped in Lake County, Florida, inside of the Ocala National Forest, at the Central Baptist Church camp of the Central Baptist Church of Daytona Beach, and this has now been reported to the police.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have filed, even though you have never helped me.”

“Yes, I have.”

“No, mom. You haven't. Remember when you told me that I shouldn’t write my book yet because I had too many anger issues with my dad?”

“I never said that.”

“Come on, Mom. Half of our fights are because you say shit that you then say you did not say.”

“I never said that.”

“Mother, you did! You said that I wasn’t ready to write my book until I had cleared up my anger issues with dad. Well, that was before we started fighting like animals, wasn't it?"

"Its not important.

"Okay. Remember when I was asking you questions about the circumstances of BJs death?”

“Yes. What does this have to do with anything? We’re degenerating.”

“You’re degenerating.”

“I don’t want to talk about BJ. I’ve had enough.”

“Mom, PLEASE!”

“I’m hanging up.”


Edited by Lenz (05/23/10 05:52 PM)

#331767 - 05/23/10 06:24 PM Re: mother's boy [Re: Lenz]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007
Sorry Lenz,
this has got to be tough. As you know you and I have spoken in the past about parents of children that have been sexually abused. If she ever changers her mind and comes to MS let her know she is welcomed to PM me and maybe her I and I can develop a conversation.

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified


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