Today marks a day that I would rather not have to remember for what it is about. It is a tough day for me and one that there just aren't enough words for. I know that nothing I do or say or think or create will ever replace my Mom or bring her back... and that is tough to deal with.
The past year has been seen some very big ups and some very big downs. The pain clouded so much of the world for a big share of it and as the pain is healing, the sun does shine through. A year ago, I never thought that I could make it through what I have. I didn't see then how it could all just get better or the pain would lessen. I tried to listen to people when they said these things, but the pain was just too great at the time.
At this point in my life I can see that my life truly changed on the day I received the phone call about my mom. Since that point, the path I am on has not been the same. Where this new path will lead me in the future, I can only guess at this time. If anything positive has come out of this so far, it is for the fact that this was such a life changing event for me.
But more importantly I have begun to work through the emotions of what my mom and I experienced together. It is not easy as I always looked up to my mom and now I painfully realize that she was not in a position to be able to rescue me, save me or take me away from the monsters that haunted my daily existance. For she was haunted by the same monsters.
It has been a year since I last spoke to anyone in my family. They wish so badly that I didn't exist and now since my mom is gone, I guess they can assume this more easily. My father, the main monster, always preached to us that we would be a close family no matter what and yet he is the one that drove the wedge between the family. Maybe some day I will be able to view him differently but for now the pain and sorrow and hurt engulfs that part of my life.
There is so much I wished that I could have told my mom and talked to her about and just asked her. However that unexpected moment in time took that away from me forever. The only way I can now communicate with her is through the winds of the universe. For now she lives on in my life as memories.
When I described my mom to a friend of mine the other day which was very passionate and caring for others, very respectful, very creative and intelligent and someone that everyone liked; they said that is exactly how I see you. So in these ways, my mom does continue to live through me and I will cherish that forever in my life. For so much of who I am came from my mom. There is so much of me in her.
I am reposting the Memorial page to my mom and my only hope is that people will take a moment to look at it so you too can see just how wonderful of a lady she was. She was a survivor and she was my mom. http://www.breakingthesilence.net/personalpics/mom/mom1.htm