Here I sit alone here at my house. Complicating what my next step in life will be. Seems that another chapter in my life is beginning to close. Not that all is bad but I am extremely aware of the difficulties that I have in pushing forward into the great unknown of tomorrow. I have always struggle with letting go of what is known, predictable and killing me. Over reaching out to the next step in this great adventured called life. Change comes slow and with great difficulty for me.
As a kid no matter how bad things may have been at home. I could never understand those friends of mine who would periodically run away from home. There may have never been anybody at home emotionally but there was always food and a bed to sleep in. Hey let's be realistic we got to count our blessings no matter meager they maybe in life.
It just amazes me how I can so easily just choose to check out of the difficulties of the problems that I feel I am powerless to control and not even be aware of it. Emotionally present, sometimes I am not even on the same planet as everybody else.I still have my own internal world where nobody can touch me. My drive to be able to not need others so that I can't be hurt.
In so many ways my life has changed and I am feeling so much better about myself. So the first time in my life I am almost completely comfortable in my own skin today. And I am not entirely surprised to find myself where I am at right now. Because I have seen the final writing on the wall of this marriage even before it began. When I first choose to step into this marriage I had just recently step out of the dark world of drug addiction and alcoholism. And was just becoming aware of the struggle that was before me in regards to my childhood abuse (sexual,emotional,verbal and physical)at the hands of my mother and my fourth grade teacher.
Hell most of my life I have chosen to flee any type of close emotional relationships. I chosen to try marriage twice and both times it hasn't worked out for allot of reasons that we have both brought into our marriage. Funny me and my first wife get alone good now days and I know it won't be long till it is the same with my present wife. But I am just not capable of doing this marriage thing with either of them. As my mother in law used said to in regards to marriage after 5 failed marriages. "Her picker for mates was broken". Guess I am in that boat also.
I do have hope that I may come to the point that I may have some kind of loving relationship with a women which can be based on mutual respect,love and trust. To think otherwise is much too bleak a future to comprehend.
This month so far I have worked a total of two days can't even push my way thru this ordeal in my life has I have done in the past. Truly feeling as if I have hit another bottom in my life in regards to relationships that I have chosen to established. I was in N.C. seeing my family earlier this month and became painful aware of how me and my siblings are still living out the same relationships with our spouses. One lacking in any real emotional depth or interaction. Just like the marriage that was model us for as children by our parents. I want more than that.
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun
WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009