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#329366 - 04/22/10 09:44 PM would like some imput here
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
This is a start to my letter that my T wants me to write to my perp. There is lots more to add but just wanted a few thoughts on how I am going about this.....please be honest

I have some questions. I would like to know if you could have answered them correctly 40 years ago.

If I had ask you….Could what you are doing to me make me have bad dreams? Could it change me from an outgoing happy kid that would get up in front of a group of around 200 kids and parents to sing, to a kid who would take a bad grade rather than read a two page book report in front of a small class of 30 kids ?

If I had ask you…..Is it possible that in just a few years as I get into my teenage years. Will any on this cause me to have feelings and thoughts about men that come into my life. Men like Mr. Dawson my teacher, is there any chance that what you are doing to me will cause these abnormal feelings to start?

Do you think if I had ask you…..If what you’re doing to me will be the reason that a girl I go to Church with will be my first date. That after 3 dates I will ask her to my senior prom and afterward I will never ask her out again. Feeling so abnormal because I never kissed her.

If I had ask you…..Do you think that the porn you’re giving me to keep hid from my parents will be the start of an addiction that I will be living with for the next 40 years.

Do you think it’s possible that these things you have taught me to like will be the start of a life filled with turmoil, confusion, and a lack of self confidence that will grow stronger as I age into my late 40’s. That in my early 20’s it will lead me to make a choice one night that will be the biggest mistake I will ever make. A choice that will strengthen these desires you have instilled In me at this early age.

Could what you’re doing to me start a continued life of short term relationships that I end only after really getting close with no apparent reason given to the other person regardless of how it hurts them.

Edited by wayne9 (04/22/10 09:46 PM)

#329385 - 04/23/10 12:02 AM Re: would like some imput here [Re: wayne9]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160

Great start! you got some key effects of csa in there. I think you have the right therapist. People often think that the effects of csa are not that bad. You have shown just a few that proves there are debilitating effects to csa.

I'm in my 40's too and have many of the same issues as you. I just wish we, and i mean many of us from MS could get together and hang out. There are the weekends of recovery but i simply have no money. My reason for the get together would be just to see how similar we all are because of what was done to us as children.

When i got out of the house at 19, I immediately turned to alcohol. The whole world was way to frightening to me. I've spent most of the last 10 yres sober and i have that in common with people at AA. I just think that if a group of survivors got together we would find that our adult life stories would match up pretty good.

Glad to hear your in therapy and are coming here to MS for support.


My Story

#329494 - 04/23/10 09:50 PM Re: would like some imput here [Re: Gus Bierer]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 645

Way to go! Like Gus said, it's a relief to see others with the same issues.

That being said:

There's no wrong way to do this sort of thing. Just let your heart take to all the places it needs to go.



#329497 - 04/23/10 10:07 PM Re: would like some imput here [Re: DannyT]
alan55 Offline

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
What a concept. It has never occured to me to write him. What you said hit the nail on the head.Gus, I,too, wish we could get together somehow and talk over coffee. Congratulations on 10 years. Never forget your sober date. Safe people,places and things. Always. Just like us in CSA recovery. The 12 Steps can apply to us.
Come and walk the road with us. We'll go for a long walk and talk things over.
-Alan in Seattle

#329499 - 04/23/10 10:13 PM Re: would like some imput here [Re: DannyT]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

That's beautiful, poetic and tragically sad all at the same time.

We all have to find the tone that is right for us in these letters to our perps. You have found a rhythm and a groove here that seems to be working well for you, your thoughts and feelings. Keep working with it.

When you have this one in shape you might try starting or going in a completely different direction as an might like version B better or find yourself convinced of version A...then again maybe version M will be the one you settle on. It's been over 30 years, you can take a little time to get it right. The important thing I think is to allow your mind to explore all possibilities. I love this one as much as I hate what that bastard did you to.

Before I settled on what I wrote to my perp I had tried several different "takes" on it before I landed with the tone I did. I don't mean re-writes or corrections, but totally different takes on what the letter is. For example I knew my perp if I were to have written of any issues I had experienced in my life would view them as confirmation of his bullshit, so I gave him none and deemed him unworthy of even hearing about me.

As a last and rather separate thought...(I don't know your age Danny so please consider yourself part of this if you are)...but
to Wayne and Gus and me, let's hear it for the 40 somethings trying to right the wrongs of 30 some odd years ago!!!!!!! and Gus you are so right my man, I'd love nothing more than to have a weekly hang session with you guys!


the family
the perp

#329524 - 04/24/10 02:19 AM Re: would like some imput here [Re: sono]
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I think you're right on the track with what you write. Keep writing it from the depths and the anger and all the emotion - I see you making that connection. And keep writing... Sometimes I have used writing like this to put the pieces together and connect the emotions to the words. There have been times that as I wrote, I cried so hard and so deep that it took my body and mind to another level of healing.

Thank you for sharing this. I honor your courage in bringing this out. I know just how difficult that is.


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