Question: I posted this in the Sexuality Forum, but then I saw new forum, so I thought I'd ask.
This has been going on since I was 8, which was 38 years ago - I'm 46. My CSA was from 3-5 y/o. Of course at 8, I did not know what a transvestite was and at that time (1970) there really were no transgendered women. I just wanted to be a girl. My T said that I believed that if I had been a girl, I would not have had a CSA. That my life would have been "better" than it was. But I still have these fantasies today. I don't want to be an actual woman or transgendered. But I view my self as female in *all* my fantasies. They are not even all sexual. Actually, they are only 40 - 50% dealing with sexuality. It's just me, only I'm female. I'm always young (~20's) and beautiful, but female. If I just wanted to be "better & younger", wouldn't I just see myself as a "20 y/o 'manly' stud?" It's confusing to me.
Thanks for posting this. I donít know that it is true that if you had been a girl you would not have had a CSA. We know that those who perpetrate children do it less about the gender of the child and more about the access to a child. So I donít necessarily agree with that statement.
I would want to know more about your sexual abuse to understand the transgendered fantasies. Were you dressed as a girl when you were sexually abused? Were you feminized in other ways? Sometimes these types of things lead to eroticizing the CSA.
The fact that you have thoughts of being female in your fantasies might mean that you have identified with young females for some reason. Do you see women as more powerful? How were the females in your family? Are you identified with them for some reason? These are questions you might ask yourself as being female is more symbolic than anything. Look at it in the same way you would interpret a dream.
I once had a client who had a fantasy of being dressed as female by a woman and then used by male for sexual purposes. His history included a mysandrist mother. Mysandry is the hatred of males. His fantasies were sometimes sexual and sometimes not like yours. He had eroticized and idealized women due to his mother having emasculated him. I would ask you to consider if anything like this exists in your family.