I am still w/o a therapist. I finally got my file from the last guy after 8 months and having to file complaints with the state. In that file he has failed to provide his hand written notes and he seems to have cherry picked what to write down. He deleted completely from his account of my first visit what I told him about the alcohol school and how it triggered my memories. I was sent to him for my physical pain, he treats a lot of injured athletes and is a runner.
During that first visit I asked if he treated traumas and child abuse he said yes, then I told him of my journey over the previous two and a half years seeking help and how that effort was thwarted over and over as I spoke to and saw therpists and psychologists and a psychiatrist. He seemed to be genuine and made some effort to establish a connection with me. It all turned out to be a self serving.

Oh hum I didn't even read the file the guy before him sent as I expected it to be all bullshit too. I was half hoping against hope that this guy was at least honest enough to write down what I said.

I am still confused and hurt a lot of the time and only get away from it by distractions. That has been my whole life. I'd like to be able to be still and not think of abuse or be in pain. Exercise helps to distract.

I had an epiphany or maybe a new perception about something to do with my abuse as I sat on the edge of my bed at 4am today and I got up and came here to write it down and then I was reading and posting to the forums and by the time I stopped and wanted to tell what it was it was gone. What is that? I suspect I didn't really want it out there or that the memory damage that I've hidden and worked around all my life simply dropped it off the radar.

I'm getting more relaxed with myself and the depth of the damage. I have always been in denial about it because I thought based on how people treated me when they knew of it, that the damage meant "I" was defective.
The intensity of the pain and drive to get justice is in ebb, it has become more bearable and less driving for now.

I've forgotten a couple other things I wanted to say here from the time I started. And so it goes.....

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.