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#328048 - 04/11/10 06:48 PM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: Charlie24]
sportinrucks Offline

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 443
Loc: Louisiana
Dude, that already happened. Especially with this one girl that I really liked. But, there's like 4 billion other girls, right?
I'm not going to feel bummed out about it anymore because I am no longer a victim!

#328049 - 04/11/10 07:06 PM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: sportinrucks]
Charlie24 Offline

Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Originally Posted By: sportinrucks
Dude, that already happened. Especially with this one girl that I really liked. But, there's like 4 billion other girls, right?
I'm not going to feel bummed out about it anymore because I am no longer a victim!

That is awesome sport. Way to be. Love the attitude.


#328107 - 04/12/10 04:00 PM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: kidneythis]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
I like the way you said that, it makes sense.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#328127 - 04/12/10 07:05 PM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: sportinrucks]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Not playing the victim role can be hard to get out of too and also has its benefits. For the longest time it allowed me to cut off what was done to me so I could pretend that it didn't matter or affect me negatively. It also permitted me to throw myself into responsbility as a way of avoiding my own pain, for example. Now I am at a crossroads where I am learning how to accept sympathy, and yes, attention, in a constructive way, namely thru therapy. I fear sympathy and attention since in the past its been easier to survive by being calloused and going unnoticed so when I'm with my therapist he makes a special effort to make it safe enough for me feel like the hurt child who deserves comfort and care, which allows me to put away the hard core adult stance I take in the real world, if only for an hour. JS

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#328135 - 04/12/10 08:33 PM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: jls]
WalkTheWalk Offline

Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 57
Loc: Wisconsin
I understand the benefits of victimhood too, but to me it really comes down to the power thing again. That is, who has it?

In my head, playing victim gives the power back to my perp, whether he appreciates the position or not. In my head, I have given power back to him if I make an excuse to say "I can't do something.

I have heard those "I can't" and "You can't" words all of my life.

I want the power in my court! I want to be the master of my life and saying "I CAN" puts me in a healing position and shifts the power back to me.

- The pain of our past can have influence in molding a better person than we might have been otherwise.

- Sometimes boys with a thousand nightmares become men with a million blessings.

#328399 - 04/14/10 05:58 PM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: WalkTheWalk]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Same here. Something happened in therapy the last few months that led me to realize this. I'm not sure what made things change but today when I'm feeling anxious or down I am able to pull myself up by saying I am in charge of my life, and that I have power over its direction. Not so long ago I was only half there, feeling powerless and left in charge I mean. JS

#328427 - 04/15/10 12:40 AM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: jls]
just me Offline

Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 198
Thank you fellow MSers..this post has been brewing for a while...I hope it makes sense.

My experience is a little backwards...or maybe I'm just not there yet. (and since no one knows -outside of a T- I haven't had the luxury of reaping the benefits crazy )

Like jls (7:05 post) I'm an overachiever, always trying to be better and never allowing myself to feel like a victim...but not in a good way. I had a right to let my myself feel like a victim...but I never allowed it. The misuse of power by an adult just made me feel like less inside, but I never blamed anyone but me! (wow I can't believe I just wrote that).

So I don't know if I'm alone but since I discovered's been wonderful and terrible. Wonderful that the weight is lifted somewhat from my shoulders...I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault BUT at the same time the realization has brought me much disappointment and sadness especially here on MS. Maybe the realization is that the facade of my overachieving is broken, if I was a victim...then I must be damaged, less than the lofty goals I have been chasing. Each time I find external success somehow the hole inside gets bigger and deeper.

So how do I go from denial, to thriver without feeling broken.

It's a trip that I need a better map for.

My Story

#335082 - 07/02/10 09:47 AM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: just me]
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 700
I thought I'd bump this post up. Because playing the victim has been my norm for years, some conscious, some not. In reading this, I saw this angle, then that.

I also brought it up since I'm fearing playing "the card" in days to come. I've enrolled at my local community college for nursing pre-reqs. I've got about 5 courses before I can even apply to the nursing program. But my habit/thinking is that.....if I fail, I should be pitied. That's embarrassing to write.. but it's been my MO. If I just could evoke some pity from someone, I may receive.... love.

Someone wrote above about people's sympathy being very short-lived. My reaction, after people started ignoring me, has been then to mutilate myself inside. "I'm just a f***-up! Failure! Welfare child" Depressing.

Can anyone relate or counter my thinking here: an often-returned reply is the sentiment "get over it". That is a 180 degree turn from "we'll carry you". What the hell do I do with that? How do I "get over it"? I know I just...won't! I'm wondering about other's thinking on this.

Any guy's responses here are welcome (and I'm really curious about the college students' experiences too)

Thank you for sharing your stories here. Truly.


#335099 - 07/02/10 01:03 PM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: fhorns]
brokenleg Offline

Registered: 01/05/10
Posts: 65
Sometimes, Terrible thoughts come to my mind and I control them hardly.
When I have a small chat with my parents about my past, they always change the subject. Or give short answer "Get over it"

So I totally agree with fhorns.
In my opinion "Get Over it" isn't a satisfactory solution.
It hasn't gone for ages.
Sorry for the rant.

#335138 - 07/03/10 12:46 AM Re: The benefits of being a victim [Re: Charlie24]
dodgers62 Offline

Registered: 07/02/10
Posts: 15
Loc: san diego c.a.
i know that playing the victim card has gotten me no where but more shame and more guilt. in which i still find myself tormented as i write . i am desperate to get better, and this is the first time outside my little circle i have began to reachout

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