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#327976 - 04/10/10 10:59 PM Re: Does 'befriending' sex offenders stop new crimes? [Re: Obi]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1577
Loc: New Jersey
I agree with Ken, I think we can't take our personal feelings of wanting to make a abusers life hell and place them above trying to lower the recidvism rate.

"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#327978 - 04/10/10 11:19 PM Re: Does 'befriending' sex offenders stop new crimes? [Re: onlyakid]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Obi I did that. By Ken's definition he was a pedo. His step daughter was 8 when he confessed to it and he'd been doing it for a year or more that he admitted to. That relationship went south by his own actions. I wouldn't do that today. I'd rather not talk about it I'm quite disgusted and ashamed of myself for being so loyal to him for so many years.

There are also the people who abused me physically and mentally. While I was sexually abused by teens and young men having sex with me, I was also sexualized as part of my mental abuse. It was a concerted effort by an almost all black cast to destroy me as revenge against whitey. Which was my name as far as I knew for years. EDIT Literally I did not know my own name.
EDITed this paragraph;
Anyway most of the people who abused me had no interst in sex except that sexualizing me by insisting I take positions on who was attractive and what I'd do in situations I didn't understand etc. then calling me queer or a homo, telling me I liked boys in a way that made it seem wrong. [this really fucked up my ability to make male friends as I came to understand being friends with a male was wrong and I was always on edge because of it, I just figured that out BTW.] I didn't know what queer or homo was but I could tell by the way they said it that I didn't want to be it. All this was known to cause damage later in life so they did it. In fact they would talk about how it was going to harm me to me. I see now knowing that I was going to be ECT'd they felt freed up to do many things.
They were just plain scum not unlike the German's who made the Nazi machine work. How does one name them as a group? Are people like this considered a group similar to the group labeled pedo? Is that what a psychopath is or whats that pother name they called my father? psych something. Those are the main abusers and damagers that come to my mind as I recall things that took place back then. I occasionally get flashes of being sodomized by groups but the memories are mainly of the dehumanizing, the physical torture, and the medical experiments is the only thing I can call them.
I guess I'm only adding rhetoric to my original post which I still stand by.
NO being frindly to a pedo doesn't help us or them.

The distinction Ken mentions is beyond my ability to judge right now but it does make sense the way he explains it and that group might even include a few vampires among them. That doesn't make the myth real, it is only correlative.

Edited by kidneythis (04/14/10 01:37 AM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#328044 - 04/11/10 09:41 PM Re: Does 'befriending' sex offenders stop new crimes? [Re: Obi]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Catfish is correct in his listing that a lack of true empathy is a hallmark of sexual abusers. The kinds of mental gymnastics many use to justify the abuse is evident in their explanations (in some, not all or even most cases) that they are trying to make the victim "feel good".

This is especially evident with those who target pre-pubescent boys who (as Mellifer accurately points out) are in the PROCESS of puberty. It is not an event but a process. The event for a girl will be the day she gets her period; for the boy, his first ejaculation. However, the pubertal process is taking place for months prior to these events.

These indiduals will sometimes abuse the boy with masturbation or oral sex to "make him feel good" as he is experiencing the sexual feelings that come into greater focus at this time. The ability for prepubescent children to experience sexual arousal and feelings from stimulation takes place in the womb and then onward. In normal (i.e., non-abusive, self stimulatory) situations, they may experience orgasms from the stimulation. Or, when someone stimulates their bodies to the point of orgasm, they generally don't know what is going on.

This is insidious in terms of how the child/young teen experiences the feelings and the relationship with the abuser. It is often at the heart of the confusion (including sexual identity) that he experiences. The lack of empathy was exemplified by a 16-year old boy I worked with in a residential treatment program I was at years ago.

When talking about performing oral sex on an 8 yr old boy, he told the group that he used empathy in his offense and thought at the time, "Who doesn't enjoy getting a blow job?" From his perspective (as a sexually mature teenager), the idea of receiving oral sex was perfectly fine. As the other boys in group pointed out to him, the 8 yr old doesn't understand the context and experiences confusion around the pleasurable feelings and this teen was lacking the empathy for the child and his developmental level.

So, empathy is generally lacking. Afterall, anyone who experienced sexual abuse or believed that he was doing something beneficial for the victim is just not there.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#328057 - 04/12/10 12:54 AM Re: Does 'befriending' sex offenders stop new crimes? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I agree with you that one size doesn't fit all when it comes to offenders. Your right that there are different degrees of varying types of manipulation and violence so approaches to the problem need to be specific according to whom we're dealing with.

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

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