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#327616 - 04/07/10 11:14 AM The only relavent thing...
Damien42 Offline

Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Australia
I think, all of those who blame themselves, who felt, and continue to feel complicit - including me - for the unspeakable situation they found themselves in, ask yourself this - where were you just moments before the abuse started? Living your own life? Absolutely. Where was I? I was just going to sleep in my bed, as usual, normal, safe. Then, a call from an older sibling. No problem - TRUST. Next memory, her kissing me... next memory her forcing me to masturbate her... etc etc etc We need to remember where we were before, who we were.

Fuck complicity. We simply had our trust betrayed, or were simply overwhelmed by the nature of what was being created by another person.

Where were you? Who were you? Do you remember?

#327777 - 04/09/10 01:21 AM Re: The only relavent thing... [Re: Damien42]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 645

I think this is a great way to think of this. The problem I have is in applying it. Sure, I was just living my life, but then my dad brought me into his room and something happened between us. He started touching me. And I responded. I didn't run screaming out of the room. i sat there feeling it happen. Then I wanted the feeling again.

That's where the weird feeling of complicity comes in. He woke something up in me.

I think i'd add something to what you're saying for it to help in my case.

That is that wanting the feeling was OK. That wanting his love, however weird, was OK, too. It's not complicity, in my case like being part of a crime. It's complicity like being part of a weirdness between two people, a thing that shouldn't be but is. He started a turn in our relationship. I want to hate him for it and be really angry, but all I can feel is sadness and loss.

I guess I feel like most of the real warped/wrongness of all this happens later, when we do things with it in our heads. When we think and wonder about ourselves and what it means and all the blah blah we all know so well.

I still just really wish, more than that it had never happened, that my dad had simply said, I'm really sorry about what happened last night. If it bothers you, please talk it out with me and with anyone you need to so it can wash away.

I think when we just say "fuck complicity" that we run into the danger of repressing our feelings of being involved. Somehow to me those feelings need to be resolved. I don't know how to do that yet.

I see the anger behind your words and hear it and feel it, too. I just wonder if i haven't denied the whole thing in a way that hurts.



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