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#327730 - 04/08/10 06:50 PM Overreacting?
Jamie45 Offline

Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 7
Hello. I was five years old when I was abused by an older male family member. At first it started as oral sex and then progressed to anal penetration. At times I remember focusing on places and events outside of the room. The pain was great and the smell is something I cannot forget. At times he would have his buddy hold me feet. I felt very vulnerable and afraid, I focused on school to hide my fear and shame, and have actually had a great professional life. During that time though, I lived with a guy a few years older in a nonsexual relationship. It took me 18 years to break free of that dependence. He was kind and caring, but we were not sexual.

This past year, I started dating a guy my age. We have a very good relationship with one exception. The guy wants to constantly tell me about all of the hot sex he had with other guys in the past. From time to time we run into these guys and they share a joke or make a sexual comment. I have told this guy that I no longer want to hear about his sexual past or be subjected to such conversations. His request to engage in a three way with other guys has been rejected. The guy says he loves and cares for me, but these experiences cause a great deal of trauma and anxiety. The acts he describes remind me of my abuse. He thinks I am bring too sensitive and a prude. He claims that his behavior is no different than other gay men. I really want the relationship to work, but the stories and experiences of meeting his old friends, all of which he has slept with, really bothers me greatly. Am I overreacting ?

#327747 - 04/08/10 09:09 PM Re: Overreacting? [Re: Jamie45]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
NO! you're setting boundaries. sounds like some healthy and righteous expectations.

i know that my experience as a survivor precluded me from indulging the 'normal' sexual opportunism of gay culture. i have no regrets for that, because i feel that in many regards that a lot of the promiscuity that happens in the culture is self destructive, and demeaning. that's just my opinion. being abused caused me to be very 'gunshy' in certain respects, a bit of a prude, and perhaps a bit condescending and a wee bit envious of those who did not seem to feel 'convicted' as i about sexual things, but the shame connection stemmed from the abuse, and the moralistic family culture that i was reared in.

recovery has helped me get back in the saddle, and i have learned to tolerate the wide palette of sexual appetites that are 'out there' but i still think it's disrespectful to oogle other people objectively and out loud when you are even semi-committed to another person and in their presence.

i mean, if they do that, that's fine for them, but if it's not what you had in mind as far as relationship material, then perhaps it's best to save yourself some grief and move on before you get in too deep.

warm regards,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#327754 - 04/08/10 09:55 PM Re: Overreacting? [Re: Sans Logos]
Jamie45 Offline

Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 7
Thanks. I love this guy, but hearing about three ways and his random hookups over the years makes me question his ability to have a relationship. He claims that he wants to change and that such behavior is part of his past. Nonetheless, I feels disrespectful and demeaning on my end. I was raised with very solid morals and values, which have served me well. I do not want to walk away from the relationship, but hearing de>

#327782 - 04/09/10 01:58 AM Re: Overreacting? [Re: Jamie45]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Jamie. I definitely don't think you're overreacting. Perhaps one of the reasons I'm single, and have been for two years, is because I refuse to compromise my morality. The idea of having a threesome makes me want to barf. It seems to me like one of the most degrading experiences imaginable. When a man who is interested in me starts oogling other guys in front of me, I lose all interest. Like Ron, I'm a prude. I believe in being committed to one person. That's not a failing though, it's a virtue. For anyone who thinks otherwise, they've been sadly brainwashed by gay culture, or are simply deluding themselves.

I'll never go down the path of gay hedonism. I'm content to be alone and I don't much like sex anyway. As well, I remember a friend who passed away almost two years ago. He was from El Salvador. He started out gentle, naive, inexperienced. He moved to NYC. He became involved with my other friend in an open relationship. Subsequently, he slept around. He had threesomes, and other wild escapades. To make his rent, he advertised on Craigs List a few times. He cried to me once about the sordid things he had done. I tried to help him. I couldn't. He contracted HIV and committed suicide. He divulged to me that, he too, had been sexually abused as a child. He had been abused by a priest.

I do believe people can recover from being promiscuous. In my heart, I feel my friend would have eventually found his way. But, to be honest, anyone who is still proud of their past conquests doesn't have their head on straight. Is your boyfriend actually bragging about all the similarly drunk, easy men he picked up at bars and took home? Doesn't he have anything else to be proud of? If not, he must think he's pretty worthless.

I don't mean to sound so harsh on your boyfriend. Again, there's a reason I'm all alone and have been for some time. I'm just saying, proceed with caution. It doesn't seem as though you want the same things in a relationship as he does. My guess is, if you compromise, you'll lose far more than you would by losing him. I wish you the best.

#327832 - 04/09/10 02:24 PM Re: Overreacting? [Re: Bewlayb1]
Jamie45 Offline

Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 7
I am very sorry about your friend. It must have been very painful to hear about his experiences. There are times when I feel a sudden sense of panic or self doubt when I am confronted with issues related to sex. I wish I could remove the imprint on my psche, but it seems ever present. On the outside, I appear very well put together. My education and values have provided me with a comfortable and interesting life. Personally, I seem to gravitate to men who either want to control me or corrupt my morals and values. It took me 18 years to find the strength to leave a very controlling and nonsexual relationship with another man. My life was not bad, but I found myself lonely. It was not the absence of sex, but instead the lack of intimacy. Later I found out that he cheated, if it can even be called that, and watched porn regularly.

My current bf simply likes to recall his experiences. He watches porn when I am not present, and likes the fantasy. I cannot stomach it. The scenes are often filled with disconnected guys who just want to get off. There is no intimacy or love. It is a series of acts. One night I tried to watch porn with him, but I had to stop. It did not arouse me at all. Instead, I experienced fear and anxiety, and could not have sex. My bf thinks that watching it regularly will desensitize me. I disagree. I wish I understood why I am not enough. I can objectively and humbly say that I am a very good looking man. I am in great shape, and take care of my body. That said, the best attributes I have are found from within. I have been moral and upstanding my entire life. My mom died when I was a senior in high school, and I promised her that I would always live my life with dignity and integrity. I never took the liberty of sharing my abuse stories with her. She was dying of cancer in her late 30s. I could not add more to her struggle. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I still have not found a way to completely love myself. I am attracted to guys who I believe will not reject me if they ever know my truth.

What I truly want is an honorable man who loves me. I want a monogomous relationship filled with passion. I do not want to think about this man's sexual history or worry that at some point he may think it is appropriate to cheat. I want to believe that my current bf could be that man, but I have doubts. As a result, I am cautious. I do not want to take any risks sexually. Unprotected sex is simply not an option. I do not want to contract an STD or HIV because of someone else's lapse of judgment.

The one aspect of sexual abuse that I detest is the self loathing that arises every now and again. It causes you to make poor choices, and weakens you
mentally and emotionally. I committed to therapy and seeking what is right for me in this world despite my fears. It is a journey, and I am moving through it slowly. I hope this site will continue to allow me to receive kind words and insight like those you have provided. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

#328227 - 04/13/10 06:53 PM Re: Overreacting? [Re: Jamie45]
Aberrant30 Offline

Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
I hope i can help, my S.O. really has trouble with sex in general, he gets freaked out by porn to. Wich is fine with him, and it's become fine with me. We are working threw his sex issues, but i have been senstive to his needs, and sesntive to his desiers. Your guy, seems like a typical gay man, out on the prowel, looking for sex. He needs to aske him self, does he want a boyferind, or does he just want a penis?

"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

#328252 - 04/13/10 10:41 PM Re: Overreacting? [Re: Aberrant30]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States

There are lots of guys out there who don't spend their lives doing sexual sport and accounting. Have you shared your CSA experience with him and talked about your triggers etc.? It seems to me like you can't have shared this with him if he is still making these kinds of comments.



Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips


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